"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same

1. Quotes "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw

2. Thought Frequency As Pie Charts The relationship The relationship Men Women Sports Sex Sex Pets Men thrashing Going bald Food Things we shouldn’t have eaten Aging Career Having to pee Strange ear & nose hair growth Aging

3. Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. --- ANNIE HALL

4. Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything. ---The Purple Rose of Cairo Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. --- Manhattan Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why. Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes. ---Crimes and Misdemeanors

5. Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and distant. By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace. Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize. ---Interiors

6. Early Attraction Factors • Proximity and attraction (Propinquity Effect) • (The more you see and interact with people, the more likely you’ll become friends with them) • Role of physical distance and functional distance (e.g., common paths, web) Related to the “Mere Exposure Effect” (the more you are exposed to a stimulus, the more you will like it)

7. Results of Schachter’s “Dr. Zilstein study” Nonanxious subjects Anxious subjects Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects’ choice to wait withothersor to wait alone. 20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 # of Subjects The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with othersmore than non-anxious subjects. Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with other anxious peoplerather than those who were not anxious Choose to wait alone Choose to wait with others

8. Attitude similarity and attraction Attraction towardother person (range = 2-14) Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.) 13.00 12.00 11.00 10.00 9.00 8.00 7.00 6.00 As the graph shows, the greater the proportion of attitudes subjects shared with the stranger, the more subjects liked him .00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00 Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person

9. Why such a powerful effect of similarity? A) Cognitive Consistency (We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us) B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs) C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes, interests) D) They will like us also (reciprocal)

10. Application of Similarity Theory Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony [http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions] Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships” Core Traits --- Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group? Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world? Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?

11. Application of Similarity Theory (cont.) From eHarmony Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition, Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with. Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your compatibility profile

12. Repulsion Hypothesis Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening • “Lab” studies Avg. attraction score • Similar attitudes 5.5 • No information regarding attitudes 5.2 • Dissimilar attitudes 2.1 (less attraction) No difference Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic) Description of person Democrat No difference No party affiliation Republican Disliked

13. D S S D S D S S D D D D D S S D D D S D D D S D D S D Reject those who are dissimilar S S S S S S S S End result is that we are left with similar people to interact with

14. The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other theories in social psychology: • Balance Theory Imbalance is motivating • Congruity Theory Incongruity is motivating • Dissonance Theory Dissonance is motivating • Equity Theory Inequityis motivating Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other’s attitudes is quite different Active search process

15. The “Bridge” Study Misattribution of Emotional Arousal • Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled • Low handrails (3 feet) • 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids

16. Misattribution of Emotional Arousal versus

17. Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.) Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content 2) % of men who called female back Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction

18. Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation • Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image • Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males (emphasis on thin as attractive) “Undesirable” Male Equal intake of candy by males and females “Desirable” Male • Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a desirable male

19. Amount of attitude conformity Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation 5 4 3 2 1 0 3.7 0 Undesirable man Desirable man

20. Conversation Style and Relationship Type Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend) Voice Quality Trait Ratings Feminine Babylike High pitch Relaxed Pleasant Submissive Scatterbrained Approachable Sincere • Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a casual versus intimate friend. • No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how things were said, paralinguistic cues.

21. Physical Attractiveness • Advantages: • Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date) • More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent) • Higher income • Higher evaluation of work performance • More lenient treatment in the legal system • Better mental health • Matching Often different in physical attraction Short Length of relationship Couple is equal in physical attraction Long

22. Romantically linked Impression of man Strangers 7.5 7.0 6.5 6.0 5.5 5.0 7.1 6.1 5.9 5.5 Low High Female’s attractiveness

24. Attractiveness as a Business • In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003) • Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in 2002 • Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year • Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles) • 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club membership per year in the U.S.

25. Misattributions of Friendly Behavior Routine Conversation Female Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as flirtatious and seductive Male Female Observers Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner; females as promiscuous Male Sexual lens Interaction

26. Communication/ consolidation Relationship continues The life cycle of a relationship Buildup Deterioration and decline Attraction Ending Important variables influencing attraction Triggering factors: Proximity, Similarity, Erotic love etc… Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self-disclosure, Communal concern, External supports Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to dissolution Low: Relationship in stable state High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption High: Heady feeling of romantic love Emotion

27. Social Equity Theory Loss of freedom, $, time, etc. • Costs (Inputs) • Benefits (Outputs) Companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc. • Comparison Level (e.g., a standard) Other person in a relationship, yourself in the past, an ideal • Comparison Level for Alternatives Evaluation of the value of other partners

28. Gender and the Personal Columns Males Females Offer Seek Offer Seek Money Job information Personality traits (e.g., sincerity) Money Status Career Young Physically attractive Physical attractiveness

29. Relationship Breakups U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting (California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana). Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006. • Who identifies more problems? • Who initiates most breakups? • When are the partners most likely to remain friends, when the male of female initiates the breakup?

30. Relationship Attributions (cont.) Key role of wife’s attributions: 1) negative attribution for spouse behavior, 2) negative behavior toward spouse, 3) her behavior impacts her assessment of relationship satisfaction, 4) husband’s behavior affected by wife’s behavior Wives’s attributions may be the barometers of marital satisfaction. Their attributions may influence their marital satisfaction across time, whereas husbands’ attributions only reflect their marital satisfaction Expectations Attributions Relationship Satisfaction

31. Liking Love Separate constructs or along a continuum? Liking Loving

32. Sample Liking Scale Items When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood. I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted. I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job. In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person. I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment. I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect. _____ is one of the most likeable people I know. _____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be. I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.

33. Sample Love Scale Items I would do anything for _____. I feel responsible for _____’s well being. I feel very possessive toward _____. If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable. If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out. I would forgive _____ for practically anything. In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____. When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her. I would be hard for me to get along without _____.

34. Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends IndexWomenMen Love for Partner 89.5 89.3 Liking for Partner 88.784.6 Love for Friend 65.355.1 Liking for Friend 80.5 79.1

35. Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches • Individual subjective reactions to cues in an interaction • Active search/detection process for cues Relationships • Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g., baking a cake example)

36. Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches (cont.) • Future possibilities • Strategies Thoughts about interpersonal interactions Evaluation of interaction as good, average, poor • Who is told? When they are told? • What is said? Why they are told? Narratives/stories about relationships • Difference in perceptions; memory for facts

37. Marriage, Health and Longevity Health & Longevity Happily married High Unhappily married Unmarried Low Men Women

38. Gender Differences in Mate Preferences Men % Monet spent % Monet spent Women 40 30 20 10 0 40 30 20 10 0 High Budget Low Budget Physical attractiveness Social status Physical attractiveness Social status

39. Gender Differences in Sexual Behavior % “yes” Females 100 90 80 70 60 50 40 30 20 10 0 Males 0 Go to apartment Sexual invitation Go on a date

40. “No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain Love marriages Arranged marriages 90 80 70 60 50 40 0-1 1-2 2-5 5-10 10+ Years of marriage

41. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Intimacy Liking Consummate Companionate Romantic (Intimacy & Commitment) (Intimacy & Passion) Passion Fatuous Commitment (Passion & Commitment) Infatuate Empty

42. Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular Love Theory ˜ Intimacy Component ˜ I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____ I have a warm relationship with _____. I am able to count on _____ in times of need. ˜ Passion Component ˜ Just seeing ________ excites me. I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____ My relationship with ___________ is very romantic. ˜ Commitment Component ˜ I know that I care about _____. I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____. Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.

43. Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love

44. Sternberg’s Love Story Approach* • [Based on past experience and personality] • Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues • Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all • one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all • needs • Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and • princess) • War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser • * Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model

45. Sample Items --- Adult Attachment Scale* • I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on others [Trust] • I often wonder that my partner does not really love me [Anxiety] • I am nervous when anyone gets too close [Closeness] • I know that others will be there when I need them [Trust] • I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like [Anxiety] • I am comfortable having others depend on me [Closeness] • * Source: Collins & Reid (1990)

46. Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues • Jealousy --- • Men Sexual infidelity (60%) • Women Emotional infidelity (83%) • Communication --- • Demand-withdraw interaction pattern(Females wish to discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions) • Sex • Children • Money • Different expectations