Crucial Conversations

1. Crucial Conversations Rethinking Difficult Situations With Parents & Guardians Teresa Galutia / Lakemary

2. How to effectively communicate with Parents, Guardians, and Co-workers through difficult conversations

3. So…WHY do you want to “Effectively communicate with difficult parents & guardians?” What is your “why”?

4. Do you really mean it? Or, are you just saying it because you think it’s what I want to hear? Or because everyone in this room is listening to your answer?

5. Most of us start with the wrong question? • We might get the right answer to the wrong question. • But if it’s the wrong question, it’s not really the right answer. • Right?!!! “Why?” is the RIGHT question

6. WHY? Why should we have this discussion???…

7. For 3 ladies • And…..I can be a difficult guardian! • Parents and guardians feel passionately about the people they support. • We want the best for them, always, every single time. • Because we love them and care about them. • That’s the reason that we seem difficult sometimes. • That’s the WHY for us. It’s personal. I’m A Guardian….

8. Often times, one person’s goals are not so different than another person’s. • But if our WHY is different, it makes a difference in how we look at the situation. • It makes a difference in how we respond to each other. • How we listen to each other. • How we work together, toward what needs to be a common goal. • The WHY unites us all! • We must connect on the WHY. • We have to be unified on the WHY to be successful.

9. That’s the difference. • We have to want it. • We have to mean it. • We have to be real!

10. If you really mean it, and, your Why is the same as mine… I have a secret to share

11. It’s all about relationships! Relationships with the same why! And Relationships built on integrity!

12. Honesty • Truthful/Trustworthy • Values-driven • Ethical • Incorruptible • Respectful • Patience • Sincerity • Honorable • Principled • Responsible • Kindness • Moral soundness • Understanding • Upstanding • Courage/ Vulnerability • Fairness • Modest/Humility • Fidelity/Quality • Forgiveness • Togetherness • Solidarity/Unity • Stability • Strength • Justice • We/Us-focus • Win-Win Approach Integrity

13. We have to enter conversations with the honest intent of sharing real information We only do this in relationships built on integrity. And, when we are self-aware enough to be honest about our own intentions. It’s about building & maintaining this partnership!

14. “Getting your s*** Together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.” With this self-awareness comes personal power….and peace!

15. So….what do those conversations look like?

16. Trust is in the eye of the beholder! • We see trust behaviors through our own filters. • We need to have a common language for trust so we can talk together about what is and what it isn’t. • We must be believable, connected and dependable. • When you understand how your behaviors affect others, it is much easier to gain respect, earn trust, and accomplish mutual goals. First, We must understand trust….???

17. Create an open dialogue where all relevant information, from yourself and others, is out in the open • Create a free-flow of information where people openly and honestly express their opinions, feelings, and articulate their theories • People willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular In any conversation, We want the following:

18. Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences. • This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning and propels our every action. • Activity: Glasses • When 2 or more enter into a difficult conversation, we typically do NOT share the same pool of information. • People skilled at difficult conversations make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the sharedpool of information. • As this pool of information grows, it helps everyone gain more accurate and relevant information so they can make better and more informed choices. To make this happen, we must consider…

19. When the shared pool of information is low • When we purposefully withhold information or meaning • When we let our emotions interfere with a values-driven approach • When we blame others instead of looking to ourselves and how we are contributing to the issue • We sabotage the greater purpose, for our own selfishness • Smart people often do dumb things! If we don’t…Danger! Danger!!!

20. How self-aware are you? • What do you do when talking turns tough? • Do you attack? • Do you avoid the issue? • Do you try to control the situation or conversation? • Do you withdraw? • Do you label the other person with a derogatory label or put them in a negative category to justify your feelings? • You can find out at…. www.crucialconversations.com/sus Your Style Under Stress

21. How do we get there? You might be thinking….I’m tired. I have all these difficult parents & guardians…I’m so tired of having to deal with all this……. So…let’s take a look!

22. 1. Start with heart!

23. You must work on yourself first. • Start with HEART! Not emotion, but heart! • Begin high-risk conversations with the right motives. • Stay focused on the common goal, no matter what happens. • Know what you want. Know your desired outcome and stick with it. • Don’t let your own emotions side-track what you choose to say or do. • Don’t buy into another person’s unhealthy focus or choices. Don’t let others side-track your desired outcome. • Continue to promote safe dialogue and stay on topic, even when it’s hard for you personally Start with heart!

24. 2. Make It Safe How to Make it Safe to Talk About Almost Anything

25. You must start any conversation with mutual purpose and mutual respect. Without either one of these, it won’t work. • When the conversation gets tough; • when either mutual purpose or respect is not perceived; • when behavior (and words)demonstrate a lack of safety, • step out of the content of the conversation • Make it safe by refocusing on what you really want • Start with Heart and put emotion away. • Apologize when appropriate. • Contrast to fix misunderstanding (what I didn’t mean & what I do mean) • When safety is restored, step back in, and focus on real & respectful dialogue.

26. 3. Listening to others How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

27. View Difficult Parents/Guardians as Having Something to Teach You. • Ask & Genuinely Be Interested In What They Have To Say. • Genuinely Acknowledge Their Concerns & Emotions. • Avoid Emotional Mirroring. (Stay calm even if they are not) • Paraphrase. (Restate what you heard to ensure understanding) • Agree. (Agree when you do) & Look For Those Opportunities. • Build on Agreement. • Compare. (Don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare the 2 views) To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their feelings. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This restores safety

28. 4. Share your thoughts, even when it’s tough How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt.

29. Emotions don’t just happen. • The behavior of others can’t make you mad. • You make you mad. • You and only you make your emotions. • Once you’ve created your emotions you act on them or be acted on by them. • You either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them. • You alone decide how you will behave. It’s a choice. “You make me SOOOO… mad! NOT!!!

30. Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion. • We tell ourselves a story. • We add meaning to the action we observed. • To the simple behavior -- we add motive. • We also add judgement – is that good or bad? • Based on these thoughts or stories we tell ourselves, our body responds with an emotion. Interestingly, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel.

31. Be honest with yourself & then tell yourself to Stop. • Evaluate your thinking patterns? • Notice your behavior. • Get in touch with your feelings • Figure out why you are assigning this meaning to what is being said • Go back to the facts. • And be honest with yourself so you can create emotions that lead to healthy action. How do I stop doing this???

32. Share your thoughts How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

33. Make sure your heart is in the right place. • Maintain safety. Be humble and confident. Keep an open mind. • Share the facts. (laying the groundwork) • Share your thoughts. (It takes confidence to be honest.) • Talk tentatively. (Tell story as a story, not as fact.) • Ask for others’ ideas or thoughts. (Truly desire their input and invite opposing views.) Speak your mind completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what is said and respond to it. Be totally frank and completely respectful.

34. The key to sharing sensitive ideas is a blend of confidence and humility. We express confidence by sharing our facts and information clearly. We demonstrate humility by then asking others to share their views.

35. 5. Move to Action How to Turn Difficult Conversations into Actions and Results

36. Decide how to decide. • Don’t assume that dialogue is decision-making. • Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool. That involves everyone. • Just because everyone is involved in dialogue does not mean they are also involved in decision-making. • To a avoid violated expectations make it clear how decision will be made: who will be involved and why. • Sometimes the line of authority is clear and sometimes it is not. • Make assignments & determine timelines. Set a follow up time. • Document your work. Turn Difficult Conversations into Actions & Results

37. Putting it All Together Changing Your Life by Turning Ideas Into Habits

38. Learn to LOOK at & EVALUATE yourself. • Continually ask yourself if you are in or out of dialogue • Am I fostering silence or anger? Am I playing games or being honest? • Assess yourself. • Make it SAFE. • If you or others have moved away from the free flow of dialogue, do something to make it safer. • Ask a question and show interest, smile, apologize. • Do something so others will feel safe. At first, most people do not move forward on the specific skills. They focus on these 2 main principles.

39. Planning for a difficult conversation

40. Keep trying. One difficult conversation at a time. • When you blow it, admit it. • Don’t expect perfection. • Aim for progress. • And when you succeed, celebrate!!! A parting thought…

41. Thank you!!!