Unencyclopedia and Anthony Mathis Presents: Our Solar System

1. Unencyclopedia and Anthony MathisPresents:Our Solar System

2. MERCURY • In Latin, Mercury is Mercurus • Created in 1620 by GalileoGalilei • On a side note, Jupiter can kickthe crap out of Saturn butMercury can win over Jupiter…if Jupiter is drunk. • The cooling caused by the rapid rotation has solved this problem, making the originally molten ball of metal a machine-inhabitable world suitable for factories • One of the only two planets owned by car manufacturers • Owned by Ford The planet Mercury as seen in 1620

3. Mercury’s Automotive Industry • There’s an annual attempt to kill Harrison Ford to prevent him from taking control of the Ford company • The people of Mercury turn their cow crap and lunar dust into cars and sent to Earth • Though no one in their right mind would buy one of these pieces of crap despite how much their evil spy, Jill Wagner, tries to convince us • PS: Jill Wagner’s hot, despite being a Martian

4. Mercury’s Cars (Milan) • Named after the first Mercurian colony on Earth • Lightning fast rocket ship with 4 reverse mounted plasma cannons • Giant front mounted boy-racer spoiler • Can do 0-250 Mercometres in 5 seconds • 1 Mercometre = ¼ mile/hour • This is somehow due to the fact that Jill Wagner is extremely attractive

5. Mercury’s Cars (Sable) • Basic unit of the Mercurites army • Dumb and basic • Basically a gun, seats, and some wheels

6. Mercury’s Cars (Mariner) • The best weapon in their arsenal • Carries the laser-resistant waterfall grill • A @%$# load of guns • Can also deploy ninjas

7. VENUS • Goddess of love • PS: She’s very pretty • Inhabitants are blond and cute • Created by The Flying Spaghetti Monster for women • No women have moved in yet • Used by men to store Playboy archives • Surface temperature of up to 900 degrees • She’s the hottest planet in our Solar System

8. NASA’s Voyeur Program • For thousands of years, frustrated astronomers and astronauts have been trying to peer beneath Venus's filmy veil of clouds • a.k.a. “the pinky-mauvey short skirt” • As of 2009, the United States is in a race with Venezuela, Vietnam, the Vatican, and the Virgin Islands to be the first to land a probe in Venus's polar region • They face competition from Vanuatu, however, which has been showering her with gifts and has a nicer car

9. Venus’ Acid Rain Problem • Atmosphere consists of mildly acidic material • Mostly perfume and Diet Coke • Acid rain pours constantly from the clouds • Similar to the effects of long exposure to chick flicks and Hello Kitty • A team of astronomers led by Bill Nye has advised NASA that any future astronauts sent to explore Venus should be sure to bring a raincoat and umbrella

10. Venus Vun Vacts • Venus is hot, baby! ;-) • Rhymes with P#%&$ but has a “V” like in V$%#&@ • Chases around the autistic boy toy Mercury • Worshipped by creepy old men, anime nerds on Ah! My Goddess! posting boards • Pours acid rain on all of its inhabitants, sometimes causing them to horribly mutate into r-tards or women

11. EARTH • Earth (or The Earth as it is knownby its self-absorbed inhabitants) • Inhabitants are known simply ashumans • Humans believe that their small ballof rock is the only planet in the entire universe that is inhabited • This is understandable that they wouldcome to such a ridiculous conclusion seeing as how Earth’s inhabitants have never traveled anywhere else • They’ve even ignored the best vacation spots in their own star system • Due to the fact that humans are incredibly dull and spend most of their time watching TV or killing each other • Led to the planet being classified as Mostly Harmless A rather insignificant Blue-Green planet isn't it?

12. Chronology Of Earth • Formed about 5 billion years ago from a giant ball of space dust and cosmological magic • The human’s theory is that some force called gravity pulled all of the space dust and cosmological magic together • “Man, I just like, said, 'let there be Earth,' or something, and boom, it was just there man. Awesome, huh?“ –God (in an interview)

13. Evolution Of Life On Earth • There are two known intelligent life forms that call Earth home • Dolphins and human beings • Dolphins being the more intelligent of the two • Proof of human stupidity is that they do not realize that another sentient and intelligent species has attempted to communicate with them numerous times.

14. Evolution Of Life On Earth( c o n t I n u e d ) • Primordial goo turned into single-celled organisms which eventually became multicellular organisms • Now, this either happened by random chance or an act of God, although both God and Random Chance have denied this in interviews

15. Earth’s Future • Earth’s future is questionable • Earth’s inhabitants seem intent on destroying themselves by whatever means necessary • If the humans aren’t successful in destroying their planet, the sun surely will someday • The sun is due to expand to the point of enveloping the puny little planet • Many galactic powers would be willing to come to the rescue of the sentient life forms on Earth when this occurs if the Earthlings weren't so stuck up • They have failed to establish diplomatic relations with not only the most powerful civilizations in the galaxy, they even ignore their neighbors in the Alpha Proximasystem • This is often viewed as pure bad manners, and civilizations will probably be happy to watch the Earthlings burn within their swollen sun • A new interstellar hyperspace bypass is due to built through the path of Earth

16. Composition and Structure • Earth is covered about 70% in the toxic chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide • better known by it street name 'Water.‘ • Any life form that plans on visiting this wayward little ball of rock should be extremely cautious as it is everywhere • It's even in the air • Only one species capable of interstellar travel has been able to figure out how to survive in Earth's moisture-drenched atmosphere • the Då'Ralänghen from the planet Hercolubus in the Andean Star System • Their adventures are chronicled in a popular Earth film, Signs, directed by M. Night Shyamalan • Easily one of the three smartest humans alive •  The film is terribly biased though and isn't worth the precious carbon film it's printed on

17. Orbit And Rotation • Earth rotates on its axis, creatingthe local phenomenon known asnight and day • Night – occurs on the half of theEarth opposite the Sun • Day – occurs on the half facing the Sun • The Sun provides warmth and light to Earth’s inhabitants FREE OF CHARGE no less Mesmerizing isn't it? Not really...

18. Orbit And Rotation • In humanity's early history, the interaction between the people and the sun was often quite hilarious • Every time night came around, humanity would erupt into mass panic and would commence killing anything of particular value nearby in hopes of appeasing the sun so it would rise again • Little did they know that the day would have come anyway due to the rotation of the planet • the more intelligent species of the planet knew this, but they remained silent as it was just too entertaining to see the humans burn their food supplies, slaughter their most beautiful females, and throw their valuable resources down deep, dark holes • The humans never even tried skipping a day of sacrifices • You'd think that they would at least try it once just to see what would happen and save themselves a whole lot of trouble • Then again, most people who suggested this were usually sacrificed themselves

19. Not Yet Finished

20. Works Cited • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Mercury • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Venus • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Earth