Leading with Courage and Nerve

1. Leading with Courage and Nerve • Los Ranchos Presbytery Pastor’s Retreat

2. Michael Kinnamon, general secretary of the National Council of Churches in the U.S.A., says Christians today must be both humbly bold and boldly humble in their proclamation of the Gospel and must realize in a skeptical age, that our language and our actions must be commensurate. In an age of cynicism, persons anticipate betrayal while they yearn for integrity.

3. To be humbly bold and boldy humble, the late Edwin Friedman says we must demonstrate leadership with “nerve” (healthy self-differentiation). A Failure of Nerve. Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. New York: Seabury Books, 2007 (revised).

4. Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times – Being Calm and Courageous No Matter What. Herndon, VA: Alban Institute, 2006.

5. Why do we lack courage and nerve? • We live in a time of “chronic anxiety.”

6. Some common sources of anxiety… • Finances • Sex and sexuality • Pastor’s/Staff Leadership Style • Loss of key lay leaders • Decline of congregation • Growth of congregation • Staff conflict • Transition of staff • Worship • Changes to physical plant • Harm done to a child

7. In a time of anxiety, we focus on… • fear over courage • comfort over challenge • good feelings and accommodation over tension and dialectical engagement • being reasonable over adventure • shrinking resources over innovation and change. The result is we lose our nerve as leaders.

8. So why do we not have nerve? • 1. We want to be nice just like Jesus. • 2. We do not trust God in our call to lead. • 3. We want to study everything. • 4. We tolerate toxic behaviors.

9. 1. We want to be nice just like Jesus. • So we allow our most dependent members to set the agenda and adapt constantly toward weakness rather than strength, thus leveraging power to the recalcitrant, the passive-aggressive and the most anxious members of the group rather than toward the energetic, visionary, imaginative, and the motivated.

13. “Actually, religious institutions are the worst offenders of encouraging immaturity and irresponsibility. In church after church some member is passive-aggressively holding the whole system hostage, and no one wants to fire him or force her to leave because it wouldn’t be the ‘Christian thing’ to do. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Synagogues also tolerate abusers because it wouldn’t be ‘the Christian thing’ to do.” Edwin Friedman

14. 2. We do not trust God in our call to lead. • We so devalue the process of individuation that leaders rely more on others’ expertise than on their own capacity to be decisive. Many consultants and professional coaches contribute further to this denial of individuation by offering solutions instead of promoting their clients’ capacity to define themselves more clearly.

15. 3. We want to study everything. • An obsession with data and technique that has become a form of addiction and turns leaders into data-junkies and their information into junk yards. As a result, decision-makers avoid or deny the very processes within their groups that might contribute to their institution’s “persistence of form.”

16. 4. We tolerate toxic behaviors. • A widespread misunderstanding about the relational nature of destructive processes so leaders believe that toxic forces can be regulated through reasonableness, romanticized Christ-like love, insight, role-modeling, inculcation of values, and striving for consensus. This prevents leaders from taking stands that set limits to the invasiveness of those who lack self-regulation.

17. The result is a failure of courage and nerve as leaders. • Leaders lack the distance to think out their vision clearly. • Leaders end up running from crisis to crisis. • Leaders are reluctant to take well-defined stands, if they have any convictions at all. • Leaders are selected who lack the maturity and sense of self to deal with sabotage.

18. Undifferentiated leadership • Reactive, instinctive, defensive, thoughtless behavior. • 1. Accommodates, pleases, or acts to take care of the others’ pain. To maintain a relationship, the leader gives in and gives up self; is anxious about losing the approval of others. • 2. Focuses outside of self. To stay close to others, the leader pays attention to the actions and feelings of others, not her own. How someone else will react is more important than how she can take a position.

19. Undifferentiated Leadership • 3. Connects emotionally. To sustain a relationship, the leader reacts to anything that might disrupt or threaten it. • 4. Sets vague, nebulous goals. To have a direction depends on the moment. The climate and goals change with events and moods. • 5. Seeks security. To feel safe, the leader acts hypercautiously so as not to upset anyone.

20. Spiritual Leadership as Differentiated Leadership • “A ‘differentiated self’ is one who can maintain emotional objectivity while in the midst of an emotional system in turmoil, yet at the same time actively relate to key people in the system.” Bowen, Murray. Family Theory in Clinical Practice. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1978. p.485.

21. Differentiated Leadership • Intentional, responsive, responsible, thoughtful behavior. • 1. Takes a stand. The leader works on self-definition based on values; knowing what she believes, the leader takes positions. • 2. Focuses on self. The leader can see how he contributes to a situation; being self-aware, the leader makes changes in his own behavior; has the capacity to step back and see his own interactions with others.

22. Differentiated Leadership • 3. Stays connected to others. The leader relates to others by listening, exchanging ideas, and working toward goals; greater capacity for cooperation and altruism. • 4. Sets clear goals. The leader knows where she is headed; not sabotaged by others’ reactivity because she lives with a purpose in mind; stays on course. • 5. Seeks challenge. The leader seeks adventure; she knows that tension stretches a person’s growth and stimulates the imagination.

23. Key: Non-anxious presence The non-anxious presence is an anomaly, never a full-blown reality. It is the capacity to… • Manage our own natural reactivity; • Use knowledge to suppress impulses and control automatic reactions; • Keep calm for the purpose of reflection and conversation; • Observe what is happening, especially with oneself; • Tolerate high degrees of uncertainty, frustration, and pain; • Maintain a clear sense of direction.

24. What are non-anxious practices? • Being thoughtful before acting • Staying calm and poised • Using “I” statements • Maintaining awareness of self • Focusing on larger purposes rather than winning an argument • Asking questions.

25. When dealing with reactive people who are attacking you, remember that justifying, explaining, or any verbal defending will simply add fuel to the fire. Withdrawing and blaming have the same effect. • Breathe. Stay present. Pray for the person and for yourself. Try to listen. JED