Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management

1. Nadia Breese Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided Welcome!Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management

2. What are Parenting Styles? How you: Respond to your child's needs (warmth and nurture) Demand or control behaviour (how you manage behaviour) Typically broken into 4 groups: Authoritarian Authoritative Indulgent/Permissive Neglectful/Rejecting Demand/Control Low High Indulgent/ Permissive High Authoritative Response (warmth) Authoritarian Neglectful/ Rejecting Low

3. Where does your style come from? • Cultural Norms • Societal Norms (often influenced by Parenting Books) • Internal Working Models (IWM)

4. What are IWM’s? How you were parented affects your parenting • Parent the way you were parented • Parent extreme opposite (Authoritarian-Permissive)

5. Lets explore!

6. AUTHORITARIAN AKA THE BRICKWALL Do as I say! • What it looks like: • Controlling, bossy, rigid rules, all decisions are made for the child. • may use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation • Child’s feelings are typically ignored. • Little verbal exchange • Affection and praise are rarely given • Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it. I’ll give you something to cry about! Why aren’t you more like your brother? Don’t be such a baby! Because I said so! That’s it! No Birthday for you! Not as long as you’re under my roof!

7. Outcomes “Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso Children from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do. • Obedient • High Achievers • Distrustful • Discontent • Withdrawn • Unhappy • Hostile/Agressive • Often Rebel • Higher levels of depression. • Tend to be “sneaky” • Fear or resent parent • Reliant on External Motivators (e.g. payment for good grades/behaviour. “What do I get?”) • Tend to “Follow the pack” • Low Self Esteem • High risk of drug abuse, sexual promiscuity

8. Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)” I’m the “Cool Mom. There are no rules in this house!” • What it looks like: • Discipline is lax or non-existent • No guidelines or structure • Few demands • Emotions rule • Avoid confrontation • Often giving into emotional pressure (e.g. whining, tantrums) • Parents will “bail children out” of learning opportunities • Chaotic Environment • Parents allow their children to do their own thing • Little respect for order and routine. • Parents make few demands on children. • Rarely punish • Non controlling, non-demanding I had so many rules on me as a child, I don’t want to do that to my children. I don’t like to say “No” to my child. The kids go to bed when ever they’re tired, I don’t believe in bedtimes. The teacher is overreacting, he wasn’t being rude, he was just expressing himself. I’m sorry, of course you can go to the party, I don’t like to see you upset.

9. Outcomes Children from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing. • Act “Spoiled” • Rarely learn respect for others • Have difficulty controlling their behaviour. • Inflated sense of self • Difficulty accepting “failure” • High Anxiety • May be aggressive, domineering, and non-compliant • Act impulsively • Poor emotion regulation (under regulated) • Rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged. • Low persistence to challenging tasks • Typically poor performers in school • Have difficulty with authority • Antisocial behaviours • Aggressive • Low Self Esteem • Self-hatred • Repressed anger and rage • Extrinsic Locus of Control • Risk of sexual promiscuity, drinking and drug abuse

10. Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)” • What it looks like: • Parents who neither nurture nor • discipline their children. • Reject or neglect child-rearing responsibilities • Spend minimal time and effort with their child. • They may suffer from drug use, mental health issues, or immaturity • Are unavailable to the child, may not have the time or energy for children because of their own life problems and stresses • Latch-key children I’m too tired to make dinner, fend for yourself Do whatever you want. I won’t be coming to your school play, I have a baseball game that night.

11. Have poor relationships with others. Impulsive Aggressive Low achievement motivation. Antisocial Immature Psychological problems the children tend to grow up to be hostile lack social and academic skills most engage in delinquent behavior Easily conform to peers (peer pressure) At risk for sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, suicide Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around others. They can be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children show little sign of internal controlbecause they lack adults who model these behaviours. Outcomes of the uninvolved parent

12. SO WHAT THEN???

13. Authoritative AKA “The Backbone” You have a choice, you can brush your hair first or your teeth first “You know you should not have done that. Let's talk about how you can handle the situation better next time.” • What it looks like • The Middle ground: • High in Nurture and Discipline • Show pleasure and support of children's constructive behaviour (high in love & affection) • Value freedom along with structure, support and responsibilities • Parents set age appropriate expectations of behaviour, set limits and enforce rules • Appreciation of rights of others • Give & Take Communication: willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions; children contribute to discussion and make some of their own decisions • Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it. • Lots of smiles, hugs and humour • Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities. • Consistent I believe in you You can go to the party, but you need to be home by… You’re grades are down, lets talk about how to solve this. If you want to ride your bike, you must wear a helmet.

14. Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent “Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara Coloroso Children whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success. • Achievement-oriented • Tend to be the happiest, most self-reliant, self-controlled. • Well developed social skills(maintain friendly relations with peers, cooperate with adults, cope well with stress) • Content, friendly, generous • Cooperative • Less likely to be seriously disruptive or delinquent • Self Confident • Well developed emotion regulation • Task persistent • Academic achievement • Intrinsically motivated • Take responsibility for • actions/choices (don’t blame others) • Good problem solvers and at resolving conflicts • Respect for others • Respect for choices • Often cheerful • Self-reliant

15. What’s your style?Parenting Style Quiz Most parents find they have characteristics of more than one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to achieve the best outcomes for your child.

16. How to adopt a “backbone” approach

17. “Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits; neither will their parents.”- Dr. Sears

18. You don’t need to hurt me, to teach me”- Unknown

19. Punishment V.S. Discipline

20. Punishment • Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back” • Used to bully or coerce children into behaving • Behaviours include: • Spanking, shaking, yanking an arm • Hair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to others!) • Withdraw affection, ignore, not speaking • Humiliating the child, ridiculing Positive Child Guidance 2012 p207 “Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso

21. Punishment…implications • Promotes fear, aggression and resentment • Makes children dependent on adults while increasing adult control and authority • Develops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act constructively • Promotes compliance and conformity • External “I don’t want to get in trouble” • Has a negative effect on self-esteem • makes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directed • Addresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s long-term needs • Child doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishment • focuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action

22. Discipline Separates the behavior from the child Helps the child understand and change behavior Adult and child identify appropriate behavior Child understands consequences of behavior Adult encourages problem solving Adult helps child assume responsibility for behavior Explain limits and consequences of misbehavior Considers ability level of child (age appropriate) Models acceptable behavior Accepts child’s need to assert self Sets reasonable limits

23. Discipline…implications Builds self esteem and keeps it intact Respects the child, and models respect Empowers children to understand their behaviour Gives confidence Encourages problem solving Emotionally supports Fosters healthy relationships Builds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I want to do the right thing.” Creates social competence

24. Strategies Discipline; Positive child guidance

25. Positive Guidance • Used to nurture and shape behaviour • Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful manner) to behave appropriately • Behaviours include: • focusing child’s attention on logical and natural consequences • Acknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to follow • Interrupting behaviour that is dangerous • Accept negative feelings but stop negativeaction (e.g. “I understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)

26. “Word your directions to the children in a positive manner. Tell them what you would like them to do, rather than what not to do. This helps them learn appropriate ways of behaving.” Read, Gardner, Mahlu; 1987

27. Positive Child Guidance • Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that” • Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling the child what to do • Focus’ on positive alternatives • Suggests socially acceptable behaviours • Helps to develop self confidence and self control E.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try “You can draw on paper, but not on walls.” LET’S TRY!

28. Change these statements into positive guidance statements. Please, walk. Please use a quiet voice. Your feet need to be on the floor. Please wait until I’m finished talking (and then you can have your turn). You can paint on your own paper You climb up the stairs and go down the slide. Please keep your shoes on. Come this way. Don’t run… Don’t yell… Don’t stand on the table… Don’t talk while I am talking… Don’t paint on Mary’s paper… Don’t climb up the slide… Don’t take your shoes off… Don’t go that way…

29. Language That Sets Limits • Describe the action • State limits • Give reasons • Offer choices

30. Examples “Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (actionand limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your choices are to go into the backyard to run or to walk inside.” (choices). • “Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the wall or net or choose another activity. Which will you do? (choices)”

31. Natural And LogicalCONSEQUENCES

32. Punitive = restricts or controls behaviourwithout addressing the conflict or issue Natural= a spontaneous outcome of a problem or conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's own action. Logical= consequence imposed by an adult but linked to the child’s actions

33. Natural Consequence Logical Consequence The results of the child’s actions that are imposed by the adult. Closely connected to the conflict or issue being processed Purpose is to resolve the problem in a way which teaches the child to take responsibility for their behaviour/action rather than to punish the child Example: A boy accidentally broke something on display while on a school field trip. Instead of being punished, he was asked to write an apology letter and replace the broken item • Automatically results from the child’s behaviour • No intervention from an adult. • Children learn from natural consequences because the consequence is immediate and directly related to the action. Example: If a child puts their shoes on the wrong feet, then their feet hurt (natural) If a situation is neither life threatening, morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let The natural consequence give life to the child’s learning. Parents are often uncomfortable with natural Consequences. LET’S TRY!

34. Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and which are logical consequences (L). Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use. “When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.” If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with. Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck. James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold. It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts. Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My feet are really cold.” Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up. Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to sit in time out and think about what they did. N N L N N L N L Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to get the tape and repair the book. P

35. Thank you & Questions

36. Recommended Resource:Barbara Coloroso • Parent, teacher, and author • International speaker recognized around the world • Areas of specialty are parenting, teaching, school discipline, and non-violent conflict resolution • Has written three best sellers, including : • “Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline,” • “Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change,” • “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”