Self-Sabotage - Azz-ert Urself!

1. I was recently asked how parents can talk to their children about mental health. That question hit home for me because no one talk with me about mental health when I was growing up. I often felt sad as a kid and was told to be strong or not allow the devil to use me. I tried both, but most of the time I still felt incredibly sad. I had episodes where I withdrew from family and friends spending hours and sometimes days alone in my room. No one seemed to notice or care. I slept a lot and had feelings of hopelessness. I contemplate suicide on numerous occasions. I attempted once too by taking a bottle of Tylenol as a teenager. I hoped that I wouldn’t wake up. When I did wake up, I felt angry believing I could not do anything right—not even take my own life. I had many more episodes and even another suicide attempt. The last one was at 26, which was after I had slit both of my wrists and taking some deadly prescription medication.

2. Don’t let this be your child. Talk to them about mental health. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that close to 2 million children from the ages of 3-17 have been diagnosed with depression. Sadly, there could be many more children who experience depression that have never been diagnosed or treated. Additionally, children in this age group also may experience attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, and behavior problems. Some may experience comorbidity, which means that they can

3. experience two or more of these disorders at once. In other words, it is important for you to talk to your child(ren) about mental health. How? Here are a few tips on how to discuss mental health with your children. 1. Talk with them and not at them. 2. Communicate with them in a developmentally appropriate way. 3. Support instead of trying to diagnosis them. 4. Affirm their experience. 5. Hold space.

4. 6. Get professional help. Tips for Talking Talk with them. The biggest complaint I receive from children and teenagers about their parents is their parents do not listen to them. They often report that their parents will overtalk them, ignore them, or try to fix them. I model for these children how to communicate to their parents their personal experience. Other times, I hold family therapy sessions where I assist the child in communicating with their parents. It is disheartening when, even with the support of a therapist, some parents will talk at their children. Children sincerely want to trust and feel safe to talk to their parents. Often, however, some do not feel safe because their parents demonstrate their own insecurities about mental health to their children. Communicate in their language. Barriers to communication can exist in the parent-child relationship. It is the parents’ responsibility to tear down those barriers not the child. Have regular conversations with your child about their life in general. These regular conversations will make it easier to have difficult conversations such as ones about mental health. This does not mean trying to use all the cool

5. kid jargon to chat. Doing so will make the conversation awkward and counterproductive for you and your child. It means communicating with them in a way appropriate for their developmental age. Using language like “OCD” or “depression” with an elementary age child is not ideal nor helpful, for instance. Instead, asking about or describing behavior that you are observing is more useful. Click here to get more info:-Setting Boundaries For example, an appropriate question for a 3rd grader you suspect may have some fear of germs could be “I noticed that you wash your hands every time you touch something. Can you tell me why?” Likewise, an age-appropriate question for a high school student could be “You haven’t been going out with your friends and you’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Are you feeling like yourself? Is there anything bothering you?” Both style of questions gives the child an opportunity to confirm what if anything they are experiencing rather than assign meaning to the behavior. Support your child. It seems natural to want to try to “fix” things for your child. Yet, this can also be counterproductive. A child who is experiencing emotional distress likely will become more distress if they feel like their parents are interrogating or assessing. Leave the assessing for a mental health disorder to a trained professional. Instead, listen when your child is communicating with you. Keep in mind that communication is not simply words. Your child may be communicating when their appetite, sleep, schoolwork, friends, socialization, and interests

6. drastically change. Support them by paying attention and giving feedback like what I listed in the previous section. Further, do not create a problem that may not exist. Talk with your child about what you are observing and allow them to communicate what that behavior means. Affirm them. Establish an emotionally safe environment for your child, which can contribute to their willingness to be more willing to open to you if they needed to. When they do, refrain from being dismissive or reactive. Instead, show them compassion and acknowledge that you have heard what they have communicated to you. If you do not fully understand, ask them to share more, but do not invalidate their experience. Hold space. Let your child know that you have a true open-door policy. If you ask your child about changes in their behavior and mood, and they say nothing is wrong, accept their answer. But continue to monitor them from a distance. Also, share with them that they can talk with you anytime day or night about how they are feeling when they are ready. Once you create the safe space, be prepared for your child to seek you out at some point, even if it’s not about mental health per se. (Note: Everything relates to our mental health).

7. Get professional help, if necessary. Accept that getting help may be necessary. Going to see a doctor or a professional can be scary for anyone. Anyone includes your child. It is important to explain to your child before taking him to an appointment why he is going. When should you seek professional help? I suggest seeking professional help if you have serious concerns about your child’s mental health only after you have tried to address it with all the above tips. I offer comprehensive therapy and coaching services at Azz-ert Urself! MindSET Coaching & Coaching. You can find out more about these services here. Keep in mind if there is an imminent concern to contact emergency services in your local area. One of the best ways to communicate with your child that you are seeking professional help for them is to be honest. Share with them the concerns you have and how you tried using the above tips to address those concerns. Let them know that you are seeking professional help for these reasons 1) So that you can ensure that you are addressing the situation appropriately; 2) To help improve the communication between you and your child; and 3) To give your child a place where they can talk to a third party to address anything they need to discuss without you. Talking with your child routinely about what is going on with them is important to their mental health and development in general. Just showing genuine concern can help boost their self- esteem and their willingness to seek you out if they do experience challenges. Lastly, make promoting good mental health a family not child conversation.