What NOT to Do in the tinder jak zagadać Industry

1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress).

2. Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's

3. looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that can look like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself.

5. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, for instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality.

6. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was:

7. "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: My CTA goes as follows:

8. "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of the type of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend.

10. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question...

11. Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than

12. dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab

13. drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places The original source do not make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room.

14. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also.

15. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the

16. dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.