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1. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to

3. possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right people.

4. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures.

5. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can look like a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing

6. and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I didn't care what badoo portal randkowy facebook she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try

7. different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out.

8. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations.

9. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays,

10. Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he is interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less

11. Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically.

12. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret test

13. because if a girl did not like facts and science it likely would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances.

14. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans.

15. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several.

16. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.