1 / 37

TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK. TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK. Lecture 17a. PROBLEM. C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK BEING RIGHT ASSUME/JUDGE LIGHT - HEAVY. D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM LEARN/ ACCEPT. - MINDFULNESS - FLEXIBILITY - META-TALK.

gomer
Download Presentation

TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

An Image/Link below is provided (as is) to download presentation Download Policy: Content on the Website is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use and may not be sold / licensed / shared on other websites without getting consent from its author. Content is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use only. Download presentation by click this link. While downloading, if for some reason you are not able to download a presentation, the publisher may have deleted the file from their server. During download, if you can't get a presentation, the file might be deleted by the publisher.

E N D

Presentation Transcript

  1. FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17a

  2. PROBLEM C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKBEING RIGHT ASSUME/JUDGE LIGHT - HEAVY D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM LEARN/ ACCEPT - MINDFULNESS - FLEXIBILITY - META-TALK THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-SOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPS CONNECT TALK (SMALL TALK) CHOICE

  3. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK REQUIRES A SHIFT • FROM TRYING TO CONTROL OTHER • TO MANAGING YOURSELF

  4. MANAGING YOURSELF • IS ABOUT THE U.E. OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • Understanding First - suspend judgment • Emotional Self-Management - hot to cool feelings

  5. EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT • CHANGE “HOT” TO “COOL” FEELINGS • COOL YOURSELF DOWN • HEART OVER 100 BEATS A MINUTE - STARTS BIOCHEMISTRY OF EMOTIONAL HI-JACK (Goleman) or EMOTIONAL FLOODING (Gottman) • BREATHE FROM THE DIAGPHRAM - “THE BELLY” • RELAX MUSCLES • CHANGE YOUR EGO STATE - FROM ANGRY PARTENT OR CHILD TO ADULT • CHANGE YOUR VOICE

  6. THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • NOT THIS - CRITICAL/ANGRY PARENT • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • That’s bad Judgmental Points or wags finger • Admonishing Frowns, squints • You should Critical Feet apart, hands on hips • You ought Condescending Slaps, spanks • You never Loud Serious looking • Be quit, good Disgusted, sneering Arms crossed, closed posture • Don’t you Scheming Foot tapping • Ridiculous Comparing Looks up in disgust • You must Demanding Pounds Table • Falikowski in Readings

  7. THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • NOT THIS - Adapted/Angry Child • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • I’m wrong Placating, Sweet Looks innocent • Defiant, rebellious words Angry, Defiant Fights aggressively • No, Make me, I won’t Chip on shoulder • I don’t care Soft Withdraws timidly • Total silence Withdraws angrily • You’ll be sorry Accusatory Looks Hurt • It’s Your fault

  8. THE ADULT EGO STATE: THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • THIS Voice - THE ADULT • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • Asks questions: • How Modulated Relaxed • What Appropriate Thoughtful • Where • Who Controlled, calm Looks up (as if in search of • Straight answers) • It seems to me Confident Brow wrinkles when thinking • Uses “I-messages”: Corresponds Attentive, engaged • I see, hear, understand to feelings • I feel • I wonder • Let’s see what we find

  9. WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

  10. WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

  11. Solve problem not save face - I manage myself not other We both have to change My story is my story - obvious only to me You have your story - obvious only to you I have all the data only when I listen to your story I clarify my meaning only How did we contribute to this situation? ASSUMPTIONS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK

  12. Descriptive language to explain situation I-messagesto tell my story Askquestions to get theirstory Listen Actively to get their meaning OpenAcknowledgement of their story, their situation, humanity GenuineSupport for them & efforts to resolve D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E STYLE ELEMENTS

  13. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17b

  14. Descriptive language to explain situation Non-judgmental Assume as little as possible Present “data” - facts as you see them DESCRIBE

  15. Description Or Judgment • Saying simply “what is” - isn’t easy • 1. John was mad at me yesterday for no reason. • 2. Yesterday night George finished the clean up of the shop. • 3. Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the meeting. • 4. My supervisor complains when I talk with him. • 5. Henry is aggressive.

  16. I-MESSAGES 1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER’S __________________. 2. DESCRIBE THE_________________ YOU’VE OBSERVED. 3. SAY HOW YOU ______________ ABOUT IT. SAY WHAT YOU ___________________________. CONCERNS BEHAVIOUR FEEL WANT TO HAPPEN

  17. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  18. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17c

  19. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  20. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  21. ASKING QUESTIONS OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS TO OPEN UP CONVERSATION: 4W2H QUESTIONS WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW, HOW MUCH BUT NOT “WHY” THEN CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS: PROBE FOR SPECIFIC FACTS AND DETAILS

  22. 1. PROBING - NON-EVALUATIVE REQUEST FOR MORE INFO - TO DRAW OUT 2. TRY TO CAST QUESTIONS INTO THE POSITIVE VOICE RATHER THAN A NEGATIVE ONE. ASKING QUESTIONS "WHY CAN'T WE SOLVE THIS?" AND "HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS?" • IF YOU HAVE TO ASK A NUMBER OF QUESTIONS, GIVE YOUR REASONS FOR ASKING . "I'M NOT SURE I'M CLEAR ON THE WHOLE SITUATION, COULD YOU TELL ME MORE?"

  23. Listening Actively • TWO ELEMENTS OF LISTENING ACTIVELY • 1. UNIDIVIDED ATTENTION • 2. UNDERSTANDING FEEDBACK

  24. Listening Actively UNDIVIDED ATTENTION 1.USE YOUR ______________ AND YOUR ______________ TO SHOW READINESS. 2. USE ___________________ SIGNALS TO SHOW YOU’RE INVOLVED. 3. BE ______________ ABOUT LISTENING. JUDGE THE ______________ NOT THE SPEAKER’S STYLE. BODY EYES PARAVERBALS POSITIVE CONTENT

  25. Listening Actively • Understanding Feedback • PARAPHRASE BACK TO THE SPEAKER HOW YOU THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE SUBJECT IN ORDER TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE REALLY LISTENED. USEFUL OPENING PHRASES INCLUDE: • _____________________ _________________________________ IHEARD YOU SAY SOUNDS TO ME LIKE

  26. Listening Actively • IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU • Be a receptive listener • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONS

  27. DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING: ASK QUESTIONS

  28. Listening Actively • IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONS • DON’T TELL YOUR STORY

  29. DON’T TELL YOUR STORY

  30. THE FOUR “DON’TS” Listening Actively • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING • DON’T TELL YOUR STORY • DON’T GIVE YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE UNTIL THEY ASK • DON’T DEBATE. LET THEM CORRECT YOUR REFLECTION IF THEY NEED TO TO.

  31. OPEN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT • SITUATIONAL • “THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE” • PERSONAL • “I WAS UPSET” • “YOU SEEM REALLY UPSET” • DISARMING • “I’M NO EXPERT, BUT…’” • HYPOTHETICAL • “IF I’D BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TOO….”

  32. GENUINE SUPPORT • AFFIRM THE OTHER’S RIGHT TO DISAGREE • POSITIVE FEEBACK • CONSCIOUS AWARENESS • CLEAR DESCRIPTION • POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

  33. GENUINE SUPPORT • POSITIVE, TIMELY, SPECIFIC FEEDBACK - COMPLIMENT • FEEDBACK FOR IMPROVEMENT • I-MESSAGES, ASK QUESTIONS, ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS, LISTEN ACTIVELY • OFFER SUGGESTIONS

More Related