Michael M. Kocet, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC Healing Circle Leader, Comfort Zone Camp

1. CyberGrieving: Helping Children Express Grief Through Social MediaNational Alliance for Grieving ChildrenJune 20, 2014 Atlanta, Georgia Michael M. Kocet, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC Healing Circle Leader, Comfort Zone Camp Associate Professor & Department chair, Department of Counselor Education Bridgewater State University Bridgewater, Massachusetts mkocet@yahoo.com @drmichaelkocet (508) 531-2721

2. INTRODUCTIONS

3. Presentation Abstract • Social media has played a significant and influential role in society today, impacting ways people communicate and develop social communities. The use of social media is also witness to what can be called "Cybergrieving." Through tools like Facebook, Twitter, Hello Grief, online condolence books, virtual support groups and virtual memorials, children and adolescents are expressing their grief in new ways using technology.

4. Children experiencing grief and loss may be afraid to turn to traditional forms of help, and due to disenfranchised losses (such as suicide and homicide)will seek out virtual communities and resources online for support. This interactive presentation will provide practitioners with tools to assist children in expressing their grief in healthy ways using social media.

5. Objectives • 1) To help participates integrate traditional, as well as post modern theories of grief into their grief counseling with clients and children from diverse backgrounds and contexts. • 2) To discuss ways that children express their grief online, such as through Facebook, Twitter, online condolence books, and virtual funeral services, and other social media and to identify ways counselors can help those who grieve use social media as a positive coping method.

6. Objectives continued • 3) Explore the interventions counselors can use with grieving children and adolescents, such as virtual memorials and online bereavement support groups, including the potential risks and benefits of using social networking sites, blogs, and other technologies to express feelings of grief and loss and possible risks of doing this difficult work in the public domain.

7. Children & Social Media Learning how to meet them where they are at, one tweet at a time...

8. Use of Social Media Every minute of the day: 100,000tweets are sent; 684,478pieces of content are shared on Facebook; 2 million search queries are made on google; 48 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube; 47,000 apps are downloaded from the App Store; 3,600 photos are shared on Instagram; 571 websites are created $272,000 is spent by consumers online (Pring, 2012). Facer and Selwyn (2010) urge educators to focus their attention and research efforts to social media networking sites, as they provide a venue for identity construction.

9. Oftentimes, we may get a sense of children experiencing grief and loss, based on what they are posting or discussing online.

10. By participating in social networking sites after experiencing a loss, children may reduce their sense of disconnection and create valuable connections to peers and others, including the deceased. • “Posting comments on another person’s profile can help deepen an association between individuals, thereby making relationships feel more intimate” (Hieftje, 2012, p.32).

11. Kids and Grief

12. Manifestations of Bereavement In the Lives of Clients (Balk, 2008) • Physical Effects of Bereavement • Behavioral Effects of Bereavement • Interpersonal Effects of Bereavement • Cognitive Effects of Bereavement • Emotional Effects of Bereavement • Spiritual Effects of Bereavement • Clinical Interventions

13. Grief Theories and Models

14. Traditional Models of Grief • -Challenge the notion of linear grieving. • -People don’t grieve in formal stages; we must be flexible with utilizing traditional models of grief.

16. Postmodern Paradigms of Grief(taken from Walter, 2003) • Postmodern paradigms of grief emphasize bond with the deceased can be a resource to enrich one’s capacity for living. • Traditional models/theories emphasize the importance of separation or severing bonds with the deceased, while the new postmodern theories believe in the continuing bonds with the deceased.

19. Tasks of Mourning - Revised (Worden, 2009) • I. To accept the reality of the loss (Not believing) • II. To process the pain of grief (Not feeling)

20. Tasks Continued • III. To adjust to a world without the deceased: External adjustments: Living daily without the person. Internal adjustments: Who am I now? Spiritual adjustments: Reframe assumptive world. • IV. To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life

22. Grief and Meaning Making • Grieving involved reconstructing and restoring a personal sense of meaning and direction in life. • Feelings have a function and are signals to making meaning in our lives. • Bereavement causes one’s identity to be constructed and reconstructed.

23. Continuing Bonds • There is no “normal” way to adapt to the loss of the significant person (Neimeyer, Laurie, Mehta, Hardison & Currier, 2008) • . . . In the midst of dealing with profound loss in our lives, the ability to prescribe meaning to a changed world through spiritual transformation, religious conversion, or existential change may be more significant than the specific content by which that need is filled (Marrone, 1998).

24. Continuing Bonds • Continuing a connection to a loved one beyond death through memories, recording/sharing stories, or continuing their legacy may be beneficial responses to their loss (Neimeyer, Laurie, Mehta, Hardison & Currier, 2008) • When working with children – normalizing, accepting, exploring, and other issues (Sanger, 2009)

25. Cultural Considerations • When working with children from any culture, it is paramount that the expression of grief is authentic – keeping in mind our own ethnocentricities (Rothaupt & Becker, 2007). • Western culture urges a “get over it” pressure. This contradicts the idea that continuing bonds is a healthy, normal part of healing (Doughty, 2009).

26. Normal vs. Abnormal Grieving& Complicated Mourning

27. Complicated Grief • Complicated grief reactions require more complex therapies than uncomplicated grief reactions. • Adjustment disorders, major depression, substance abuse, and even PTSD are some of the common problems of complicated bereavement. • Extended length of time of the symptoms. • Intensity of the symptoms. • Interference caused by the symptoms. • Unresolved grief may appear as a complete absence of grief or mourning, an ongoing inability to experience normal grief reactions, delayed grief, conflicted grief, or chronic grief.

28. Complicated Traumatic Grief • A grief caused by a death that is either objectively or subjectively perceived to be traumatic, • The child has significant PTSD symptoms, including loss and change reminders that segue into trauma reminders that bring forth avoidance and numbing, • PTSD symptoms prevent the child from completing the tasks of bereavement (Cohen et al., 2002 as cited in Searles McClatchy, Vonk, Palardy, 2009)

29. DSM-5 Criteria – Persistent Complex Beareavement Disorder • The individual experienced the death of someone with whom he or she had a close relationship. • Since the death, at least one of the follow symptoms is experienced on more days than not and to a clinically significant degree and has persisted for at least 12 months after the death (in adults) and 6 months (for children): 1. Persistent yearning/longing for the deceased. 2. Intense sorrow and emotional pain in response to death. 3. Preoccupation with the deceased. 4. Preoccupation with the circumstances of the death.

30. C. Since the death, at least six of the following symptoms (12 months after death for adults, 6 months for children): 1. Marked difficulty accepting the death 2. disbelief or emotional numbness over loss 3. Difficulty with positive reminiscing about the deceased. 4. Bitterness or anger related to the loss 5. Maladaptive appraisals about oneself in relation to the deceased (self-blame)

31. 6. Excessive avoidance of reminders of the loss. 7. A desire to die in order to be with deceased. 8. Difficulty trusting other individuals since the death. 9. Feeling alone or detached from others. 10. Feeling that life is meaningless or empty. 11. Confusion about one’s role in life, diminished sense of identity. 12. Difficulty or reluctance to pursue interests since the loss or plan for future. D. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment. E. The bereavement reaction is out of proportion to or inconsistent with cultural, religious, or age-appropriate norms.

33. Types of Disenfranchised Grief • The loss of a partner (within an affair) • Ex spouses/partners • The loss of a same-sex partner killed in war/miltary combat • The loss of a pet • The ending of a long-term friendship • Abortions

34. Traditional Memorials

35. Virtual Memorials

36. How Children Express Grief Online Managing Emotions Cyberbullying Love Anger Venting Retaliation Support Depression Sexting Mourning Sadness #DigitalIdentity

37. Examples of Cyber Grieving

43. Online Condolence Books This Guest Book will remain online until 12/18/2013 courtesy of Akron Beacon Journal. Adrienne L. Ryba, 19, passed away Saturday, December 15, 2012. She was born in Akron, Ohio on June 29, 1993. Adrienne graduated with honors from Highland High School in 2011 and was attending Kent State University majoring in interior design. She was vibrant, artistic, very creative, and loved playing volleyball. Adrienne was a wonderful, loving daughter and sister. She loved and valued her many friendships and was always there to help. Adrienne plunged 50 feet to her death after falling through the roof of a decaying, abandoned warehouse where she and her boyfriend had gone to view the city's lights. Adrienne Ryba was scaling the roof of a former manufacturing plant in Akron, Ohio with her boyfriend and another pair of friends just after midnight on Saturday when the section she was on gave way. Her friends frantically called 911 and first responders forced their way into the building, but Ryba was pronounced dead at the scene after multiple blunt force traumas from the fall. Lt. Rick Edwards from Akron police said it appeared that the group had been drinking alcohol.

44. Postings that cause concern….

47. :

48. Twitter Posting

50. Assisting Bereaved Clients (Taub & Servaty-Seib, 2008) • Provide training about loss and bereavement to teachers, administrators, directors, supervisors, and others who work with grieving clients and students. • Encourage counseling staff to get specialized training. • Provide grief groups, workshops, and educational materials to students and clients about grief and loss. • Establish bereavement policies. • Be sensitive to cultural differences in grief and mourning practices, especially when creating bereavement policies. • Offer tangible support • Refer as necessary