Teaching with Love and Logic

1. Teaching with Love and Logic Jim Fay and David Funk

2. 3 Rules of Love and Logic • Use enforceable limits • Don’t make threats • Provide choices within limits • The easiest student to boss around is the one who thinks the teacher is reasonable and takes control only when necessary. • Apply consequences with empathy • Effective teachers apply consequences with empathy and understanding as opposed to anger and lecture.

3. Enforceable limits • The I- Statement • Don’t tell them how to run their lives • Instead tell them how you will run yours Instead of “don’t you talk to me that way…” Try “I’ll be happy to listen to you when your voice sounds like mine”

4. Turn your Garbage into Gold

5. Provide Choices Within Limits • Always give them choices that would make you happy whatever they choose. • Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow them to experience the consequences of that choice • Never give choices when a child is in danger • If the child does not choose within ten seconds make the choice for them • Delivery is important. Try to start sentences with: • You’re welcome to _____ or _______ • Feel free to _________ or _______ • Would you rather _______ or ______? • What would be best for you _____ or ________?

6. Savings Account The more choices you give them, the more likely they will let you lay down the law when needed. Each choice you give them is a deposit into a control account In order to make a withdrawal you must have made deposits Even small choices count To maintain a positive balance you need to deposit more than you withdraw

7. Apply Consequences with Empathy • Children learn from their mistakes when: • They experience consequences for their mistakes and • Adults in their environment provide empathy • Bad choices have natural consequences • When we scold and reprimand the student they will respond with anger toward us rather than feel sorrow for the consequence • Consequence + empathy = learning

8. Finding time for discipline Meet with kids on your time, on your terms, with short, sweet interactions. Ask brief questions that help share the thinking Give them and you cool down and think time “in the mean time, try not to worry about it” Empathy, prompt, and leave. Let them own the problem Keep doing mini follow ups, giving them think time between each until THEY come up with a solution.

9. One sentence interventions • Make short neutral statements about the students. • Steve I noticed you like baseball cards • Do this a few times a week for three weeks • Make sure there are no value judgments even positive ones “I like…” • This helps them know that you care about them and gets them on your side • “can you… just for me?”

10. One on one Have a short heart to heart where you simply state the problem behavior and what it does to you as a teacher. Then ask if there is something you can do to help the student correct the behavior. Stay on topic. Acknowledge their blame comments and excuses then go straight back to the issue. “that’s probably true, but what we’re discussing here is your behavior in class”

11. 4 Principles of Love and Logic Maintain Self -Concept Share the control Share the thinking Balance consequences with Empathy

12. Maintain Self-Concept Reinforce effort not ability. Separate performance from value of an individual. Help students to recognize their strengths and use those to overcome their weaknesses. Unconditional acceptance of the worthy person, even while rejecting the questionable behavior.

13. The three legged table of Self-Concept • I am loved by the “magic” people in my life. • One of our strongest desires is to be loved for who we are not how we perform • The Magic people are those involved in our caretaking and learning. • I know more about my strengths than my weaknesses. • Especially in education our weaknesses are pointed out to us so often that we may think that is all we have. • We do not want kids to ignore what they need to work on, but if they do not learn what their strengths are, their weaknesses become defeats. • I can handle the consequences of my own behavior. • Learning from consequences is a struggle that can cause pain, but surviving the struggle is a great self-concept builder. We learn that we are capable.

14. Changing Self-Concepts • Use eye contact, smiles and appropriate touch. • These are primary bonding mechanisms that have worked throughout history. • Allow kids to own their feelings. • We often rob them by saying “ I’m so proud/disappointed” when we say “you can be proud of that” we allow the feeling to be theirs and not dependant on others • Let kids experience consequences of their behavior. • Consequences produce internal pain which encourages an internal locus of control • Find something unique about each child and share it with them. • Be sure to use positive descriptive statements rather than value judgments

15. Sharing Control • From coercion to manipulation to cooperation. • Provide genuine choices that effect the person making the choices. • Never offer a choice that you are not really willing to give them. • When we give them some control over themselves they are less likely to try and exert it over others like the teacher and the class.

16. Cycle of Defiance

17. Sharing Control • When you catch yourself using this cycle, own up and don’t keep whipping a dead horse. • “I think I may have just blown it. I just realized that I am trying to make you work, and you keep telling me I can’t make you. I’m not feeling good about what I’m doing now. Would you give me some time to think this through?”

18. Consequences with Empathy • Make the consequence as close to the time and place of the infraction as possible. • Give the child an opportunity to be involved in the solution/decision making. • Administer consequences with calm interest • Give the students an opportunity to develop a new plan of behavior. • Let the students make their own value judgments • Demonstrate problem solving techniques • Allow students to feel empowered

19. Consequences with empathy • Three R’s Reasonable, Related, Respectful • Identify the problem • Identify whose problem it is • Show empathy • Offer a positive relationship message

20. Consequences with empathy • The difference between consequences and punishment is where we interpret the pain emanating from. Consequences result in pain coming from the inside; punishment results in pain coming from the outside. • Kids will respond positively to a penalty when they see a logical connection between their behavior and what happens to them as a result of that behavior. • Allows the teacher to be the “Good Guy” while the questionable behavior becomes the n”bad guy”

21. Shared Thinking • Thinking is shared when other principles are used properly • Use of questions can encourage thinking in the proper direction. • We need to be aware of the way we question and the level of question that we ask. • It takes no more effort to ask a synthesis question than to ask a content question. But a synthesis question requires much more thinking on the learner’s part.

22. Questions that work • What would you like to happen? • Would you like my thinking on that? • Is it possible that…? • How do you feel about…? • Is there any chance that…? • How do you suppose that might work out? • What do you think I think? • On a scale of 1 to 10 how good a decision do you think that is? • Would you like to hear what others have tried?

23. 4 step responsibility training • Give the student a chance to act responsibly. For example whether to bring homework on time. • Hope that the student makes a mistake. When the homework doesn’t come in, empathize but offer no alternatives. • Stand back and let the consequences, along with liberal doses of empathy, do the teaching. Students need to learn that their mistakes hurt them. Empathy reduces the chance that they’ll focus on anger toward the teacher rather than their choices • Give the same task again. This sends the message that they are capable of learning from their mistakes