jak podrywać na tinderze: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but possibly find the

2. love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching

3. for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter.

4. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that can seem like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently.

5. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, for instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much.

6. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For example, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you.

7. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact.

8. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! What is it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.)

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints.

10. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the guy about things he is interested in also. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date.

11. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was sure was my forthcoming death.

12. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress well for that special night. This was also my

13. secret evaluation because if a girl did not like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts.

14. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being Find more information fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening.

15. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in

16. and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.