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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was scared. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love

2. of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing

3. So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing).

4. All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may look like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself"

5. Now, a part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure.

6. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of example, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.

7. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows:

8. "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend.

10. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. Where you have your date determines about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But first a question...

11. Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled Learn here 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes:

12. Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway.

13. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?"

14. No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.