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The Art of Midlife: Myths & New Realities

The Art of Midlife: Myths & New Realities. Nancy McCaughey Hudson Institute Coaching Certification June 2003. Why Midlife?. My specialization The original idea Turning 50 More questions than answers…. Previous Paradigms.

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The Art of Midlife: Myths & New Realities

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  1. The Art of Midlife: Myths & New Realities Nancy McCaughey Hudson Institute Coaching Certification June 2003

  2. Why Midlife? • My specialization • The original idea • Turning 50 • More questions than answers…

  3. Previous Paradigms • “Contemporary” concepts of adult development date from 50 years ago • Jung - 40 “the turning point” to old age • Erickson - developmental tasks • Levinson - development by decades

  4. Realities of Midlife in the 21st Century Three reasons why midlife is not what it used to be: • “Permanent Whitewater” • Longer life expectancy • By 2004, 76 million Baby Boomers will be 40+

  5. Who Would I Ask? • Anyone between 38-65 • Self-defined in midlife • Sources • Final group: 20 women & 3 men • Eight in 40s • Eleven in 50s • Four in 60s

  6. Interviews • 10 Questions (past, present, future) • Conducted by phone or in person • Average 30-40 minutes • Recorded Results: transcribed, formatted, tallied

  7. Ten Questions About Midlife • What is your definition of midlife? (theory) • When did your midlife begin and how did you know? (reality) • What have been the most significant changes? • What was it like for you? What helped? What got in the way? What did you learn? • How does midlife differ from your 20s and 30s?

  8. Ten Questions About Midlife • Where would you say you are in midlife? Are you in transition? • What is the best thing about midlife? What would you change? • If you were to give this time in midlife a name, what would it be?

  9. Ten Questions About Midlife • When will midlife be over and how will you know? • What are three qualities you want to possess by the time your midlife is over?

  10. Myth #1 You know you are in midlife when you turn the big 4-0!

  11. Reality: Midlife Is More Than An Age First Question: “What is your definition of midlife?” • Only 13% - AGE ONLY • 39% - OTHER INDICATORS ONLY • 48% - BOTH AGE & INDICATORS • Internal - reflection time, new world, values changing • External - kids gone, physical changes, retirement

  12. Theoretical Definition: 61% did give an age or time as their definition 7% in 30s 79% in 40s or “midway” 14% in 50s Their Reality: 100% gave an age when midlife began 7% in 30s 58% in 40s 35% in 50s (mostly 50-somethings) Ages of Midlife

  13. Midlife Is More Than An Age How did you know your midlife began?: • 64% external indicators: career, physical changes, kids leaving/recoupling • 36% internal indicators: time to think, new stage, ability to say no. • Only 4 of 20 women mentioned menopause – never the only trigger • Most of those married rated their relationship “best” in midlife

  14. Myth #2 Midlife is just another transition.

  15. New Reality: Midlife Is Different • “We are unprepared for the • afternoon of our lives” – Carl Jung • Not easier or more difficult than the 20s-30s • 1 to 8 significant external and internal changes (often at same time) within 10 years

  16. Myth #3 When you hit your 40s expect a “midlife crisis” “crisis of confidence or identity occurring in midlife, characterized by the feeling that one is growing old or that life is passing one by.”

  17. New Reality:Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists “Give up on a stable view of things. The view depends on where you are.” - William Bridges • Old model: More stability with age • New model: More than half of each decade group were “in transition” • Harder to discern

  18. Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists “Midlife is really the best place to be.” - Orville Brim, PhD, director of MIDMAC study • MacArthur Foundation’s Successful Midlife Development study • More stressors, but better equipped in midlife

  19. Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists “The way we describe our lives and understand them is ultimately and inextricably connected to the way we live them.” - Mandy Aftel

  20. Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists When asked what midlife was like: • Confusing • Roller Coaster • Scary & So Right • Feeling Empowered • Slow & Steady • Deeply Personal • Fear of the Unknown

  21. Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists • Rebirthing Myself • Spring Cleaning • Yahoo! • Heavenly • The Liberation • The Train Goes On • Engaged Period • Evolving

  22. Myth #4 Just grin and bear it. It’ll pass.

  23. New Reality: There Are No Role Models What helped? #1 spirituality #2 relationships and family #3 friends What didn’t help? • Negative self talk • Fear • Old beliefs and patterns • Not forgiving • Friends who didn’t support my change • Finances

  24. There Are No Role Models What did they learn? • Take care of myself, relax • I am smarter than I think • I know I am valuable • Don’t be afraid – just do it! • I can create it • OK not to be perfect • It’s healthy to laugh and have fun • What’s important is who I am, not what I do

  25. Myth #5 You know you’ve “made it” by your status, accumulations, and bank balance.

  26. New Reality: New Meaning for Success • Top 3 Best Parts – Relationships, family, spiritual life • Top 3 Changes - More time to relax, purposive work, simpler & gracious home environment • $ only for more security “This (health, diet, exercise) is an important focus for the next 20 years so they will be a quality 20 years, if I get 20 years”

  27. Myth #6 When midlife is over, it’s all downhill after that!

  28. New Reality: Midlife Isn’t Over Yet Where are you now? • 40s- most said “in the beginning” • 50s and 60s – most said still “in the middle” • Only one said, “Toward the end.” When will it be over? • 41% - Over by 60 • 47% - Over by 60s or 70s • 12% - Over by 80s

  29. Midlife Isn’t Over Yet How will you know? • Objective indicators: decline of health, physical changes and retirement • Subjective indicators: when it happens, more back than forward, the autumn or winter of life

  30. Midlife Isn’t Over Yet What three qualities do you want to possess after midlife? #1 Loving #2 Compassionate # 3 Passion #4 Wise # 5 Peaceful #6 Joyful

  31. Conclusion: Midlife Is An Art “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Kierkegaard • No simple definition or timing for midlife • “Becoming period” - between doing and being • Each person’s story is a different painting • No formula for success – value comes from what’s learned and shared

  32. What’s Important for Coaching • Give up assumptions • We’re valuable resources • Holistic coaching is essential • Midlife clients mean longer agreements • Help clients write their own definition of success • Help clients embrace the opportunity of midlife • Huge market and resource for repeat bus & referrals • Interviewing is a great way to create a niche

  33. Personal Lessons About Midlife • Just the beginning • What I’ve learned for my own life • A great time to be alive & turning 50!

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