Raising Resilient Children: Approaches from Positive Psychology

1. Raising Resilient Children:Approaches from Positive Psychology Fiona FormanB.Ed., M.Sc. Applied Positive Psychology

2. Welcome and Thank You! Resilience is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child!

3. Personal Introduction Personal Introduction • Primary School Teacher, co-author of Weaving Well-Being- www.otb.ie/wwb • Over 30 years of teaching experience, all levels • Currently in role of SEN teacher in Malahide, Co. Dublin • Recently completed an M.Sc. in Applied Positive Psychology –MAPP • Well-Being in Schools Facilitator and Trainer • Personal note – mother of two young adults

4. OpeningQuote I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. -Louisa May Alcott

5. Overview of Presentation • What is Positive Psychology? • What is resilience? • Current challenges facing our children • What can we do? Two part approach – -1. Nurture your relationship with your child-2. Build resilience skills

6. Positive Psychology • ‘The Science of Well-Being’ • Relatively new branch of psychology. • Founded by Prof Martin Seligman in 1998. • Psychology up to that point was deficit-based • Need for more focus and research on the components of mental well-being.

7. Positive Psychology Key Aspects of Positive Psychology: Prevention rather than cure Building people’s strengths (as opposed to correcting their weaknesses) Enhancing levels of positive emotions such as joy, love, hope, gratitude, tranquillity, awe and inspiration Dealing constructively with negative emotions (negative emotions have an important role to play!) Building resilience Building positive and supportive relationships

8. Positive Psychology Reflection: Why is it so important to focus on children’s well-being?

9. Positive Psychology Emotional well-being in childhood is the strongest childhood predictor of a successful and satisfying life in adulthood, with the child’s intellectual development being the weakest predictor. (Layard, Clark, Cornaglia & Vernoit, 2014).

10. Positive Psychology • Higher school achievement • Success in a wide variety of life domains, including relationships and resilience • Higher quality of school life Child Well-Being Outcomes: Happy Children: (Waters, 2011; Karatzias, Power, Flemming, Lennan, & Swanson, 2002; Alexander, 2002).

11. Positive Psychology Weaving Well-Being- Positive Psychology programme Aim: To enhance children’s well-being by teaching them evidence-based skills and strategies from Positive Psychology, to help them to become resilient and flourishing members of society

12. Positive Psychology • 2nd Class – Character Strengths • 3rd class –Positive Emotions • 4th class – Tools of Resilience • 5th class – Positive Relationships • 6th – Empowering Beliefs • Detachable Parent Guide inside with ideas!

13. Current Research • Tools of Resilience – (Mary I. Masters Dissertation) showed • up to 75% decrease on anxiety scores • Enhanced levels of: • Positivity • Confidence • Autonomy • Self-efficacy • Problem-solving • Language of well-being

14. Resilience What is resilience? ‘The flexibility in response to changing situational demands, and the ability to bounce back from negative emotional experiences’ (Tugade et al. 2004)

15. Resilience Why is it so important to focus on developing our children’s resilience? • Resilience predicts a wide range of successful outcomes. • These include -lowered risk of anxiety and depression -greater academic achievement -improved psychological well-being -better relationships (Reivich & Gillham, 2010)

16. Resilience • Good news! • Research shows that we can develop children’s resilience through ‘ordinary rather than extraordinary processes’ • Resilience as ‘ordinary magic’ • The No.1 factor? • A caring, nurturing relationship with a parent or caregiver. • ‘One Good Adult’ - ‘Ordinary Magic’, Masten, 2001

17. Resilience What is it that the ‘one good adult’ does that promotes resilience and well-being in the child? 4s of secure attachment: • Seen • Safe • Soothed • Secure Dr. Dan Siegel

18. Resilience ‘Ordinary magic!’ ‘To make a difference in someone’s life, you do not have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful or perfect. You just have to care’ – Mandy Hale

19. Resilience Three factors affect children’s levels of resilience: • Genetics • Environmental Factors – critical role of parenting! • Resilience skills – we can teach our children coping skills!

20. Resilience • Unfortunately, statistics show that our children seem to be currently struggling in terms of their resilience Worrying statistics: By age 13 years, 1 in 3 young people in Ireland is likely to have experienced some type of mental disorder. By the age of 24 years, that rate will have increased to over 1 in 2. Up to one third of young Irish adolescents and over one half of young Irish adults are at increased risk of mental ill-health into their adult years. (Cannon, Coughlan, Clarke, Harley, & Kelleher, 2013)

21. Resilience No general consensus on what the reasons may be for these worrying statistics A number of recent changes to children’s environments/ life circumstances are involved What are your thoughts on possible factors? We will look at 2 in particular now!

22. Resilience Possible Factors 1. Increased use of technology and screen time • Children’s nervous systems become over-stimulated and stressed, always on – ‘fight or flight response’ • Interferes with sleep • Over exposure to disturbing news • Less opportunities to socialise and to connect with people on a deeper level • Social media – leads to anxiety and low self-esteem because of social comparison

23. Resilience • Safe amount – different for everyone – monitor and adapt as necessary • How they are using screens in important – positive or negative ways • Correlation between increased screen time and increased links to anxiety and depression • Balanced approach!

24. Resilience 2. Self-esteem movement: Linked to decreased resilience in children, as the emphasis on avoidance of negative feelings such as disappointment, means that children don’t learn how to cope with them in a safe way. Authentic self-esteem is not ‘bestowed’ on children, it is built through experience and dealing with challenges (Seligman, 2007; Storr, 2017) https://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/children-self-esteem_b_1822809.htm

25. RESILIENCE • Parenting styles -trends towards parenting styles becoming more intense and over-protective – stressful for children – more pressure • Children becoming more and more anxious and afraid of failure or of making a mistake • Trend towards over-protection in schools also – avoidance of disappointment – no medals for Sports Day, for example – participation certificates • Hit their first big failure, disappointment or challenge – not able to cope

26. What can we do? Research on factors that build resilience in children: • Having a supportive, nurturing relationship with a caring adult • Being able to develop skills and abilities • (Werner, 1993)

27. What can we do? 1. Take every opportunity to nurture the parent-child relationship, without over-protecting! 2. Build skills

28. What can we do? Familiar with many of the ways to enhance and develop a nurturing parent-child relationship – 4 S’s • Seen • Safe • Soothed • Secure

29. What can we do? Approaches from 3 areas of Positive Psychology: • Enhance Positive Emotions • Manage and cope with Negative Emotions • Build your child up through nurturing their unique Character Strengths

30. What can we do? Enhance Positive Emotions • 10 specific Positive Emotions have been identified and researched through the field of Positive Psychology (Prof. Barbara Fredrickson) • What do you think they might be?

31. What can we do? Positive Emotions: love, joy, pride, tranquillity, gratitude, awe, amusement, inspiration, hope and interest!

32. What can we do? Why? Benefits of a high amount of daily, low level Positive Emotions: • Increased psychological well-being • Increased physical well-being • Better working memory • Improved learning outcomes • Enhanced creativity • Less stress • Better relationships • Increased resilience (Fredrickson et al.,2003 )

33. WHAT CAN WE DO? Research: Ratio of a least 3: 1 of positive to negative emotions is needed for flourishing. (Diehl et al., 2011). It is the presence of daily positive emotions, rather than the absence of negative emotions, that is predictive of well-being and resilience! Thriving and resilient people have a high level of positive emotions daily, which buffers them against the effects of negative emotions. (Diener, Sandvik & Pavot,1991).

34. What can we do? The Power of Positive Emotions!

35. What can we do? • Remember that micro-moments of daily Positive Emotions nurture our children and ourselves! • ‘To Do’ list versus ‘To Feel’ list! • Choose a number of Positive Emotions that you’d like to experience more of with your child • Write a list of simple activities which generate them for you as a family • Do them regularly! • Necessity, not a luxury!

36. What can we do? Rainbow Moments! • At the end of each day, ask your child to share 3 good things from their day • Write them in their Rainbow Moments notebook • Small things that they might not otherwise notice! • Savour them! • Video on the website www.otb.ie/wwb

37. What can we do? Manage and cope with negative emotions • Instinct – to protect our children from negative or uncomfortable emotions - disappointment, worry, frustration, jealousy, sadness, anger, failure Examples- all children getting medals/certificates at Sports Day to avoid disappointment etc • Leads to children being unfamiliar with these emotions and unable to tolerate them • Children need to learn to experience these emotions ‘safely’ – with support

38. What can we do? • This trend towards ‘overprotection’ is done with our children’s best interests at heart! • Balanced approach needed –common sense! • Building resilience is done gradually – almost like ‘Psychological Vaccination’- small doses!

39. What can we do? • Allow your child to experience these emotions safely - help them to practise and build their resilience skills • Don’t rush in to try to ‘fix’ the situation unless it’s critical to do so – can this be used as a learning experience - a ‘safe’ way to deal with disappointment? • Prepare your child for possible disappointments, failures and challenge • Normalise a certain amount of stress – challenge v. threat

40. What can we do? Talk and listen to your child, validate how they are feeling …disappointed, frustrated etc Show your child that you believe in their ability to cope Teach them that all emotions are okay and can be dealt with rather than avoided! Be a good role model in how you deal with disappointments and challenges yourself!

41. What can we do? Build your up child’s inner resources through nurturing their unique Character Strengths • If we want our children to feel strong, competent and resilient, we must focus on and nurture their strengths. • Where to start? • Positive Psychology has identified 24 Character Strengths linked to well-being and resilience (Peterson & Seligman, 2004) • We have all of them to a greater or lesser degree • Identifying and using our Top 5 is linked to increased levels of self-confidence, well-being and resilience • www.via.org

42. What can we do? What are the 24 Character Strengths?

43. What can we do?

44. What can we do? Nurture Character Strengths: • Comment and praise them on their use of particular strengths • Ask them what strengths they used today • If they are feeling worried or nervous, remind them of a time they used their strengths in the past, e.g. bravery, perseverance, creativity etc and ask them to remember how it felt • Discuss the family’s use of strengths • Discuss what strengths they might need when they are about to face a challenge or disappointment

45. What can we do? • Finally! • As well as providing support, we can build our children’s Resilience Skills. • One practical way to do this is through helping them to develop ‘Compassionate Self-Talk’ • Help them to tune into what they are saying to themselves at times of stress, disappointment or failure

46. What Can We do? • Children can be very, very hard on themselves at times. • Just like adults, they can be their own worst critics and judge themselves very harshly. • They may be constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling that they don’t quite measure up. This can start at an early age, and the pressures and challenges of modern life can make this worse as they get older. • Constant, critical self-talk like this can lead to low self-esteem, low confidence, increased anxiety and low self-worth.

47. What can we do? Compassionate Self-Talk Phrases: • I don’t have to be perfect, I’m fine just the way I am • I don’t have to be the best • My best is good enough • I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else • These feelings will pass • I don’t have to be amazing!

48. What can we do?

49. What can we do? New book coming soon!

50. What can we do? Supporting an anxious child: • Normalise! • Important for children not to worry about worrying! • ‘Our minds are amazing, but they’re far from perfect!’ • Worry time – 10 minutes each evening • Healthy Distraction! • Harness the power of Positive Emotions • Remind them of their Character Strengths!