Pre-Re-Marriage Workshop for Couples Entering into Blended Families

1. Pre-Re-Marriage Workshop forCouples Entering into Blended Families • “LIVING IN STEP” And Reaching for the Top How and Why we do Our work together:

2. Purpose of Doing this Work Together • Awareness • Understanding • Support and Validation • Strategies and Skills • Implement a Plan that will take you forward • ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE CREATED

3. How We Use our Day Together • Explore some of the Common Issues and Dynamics as a Preparation for your Blended Family • Look at the Priority Issues and Areas you’ve identified and Choose appropriate Approaches

4. ISSUES AND DYNAMICS – Areas for Discussion • So, What’s the Problem? • Dynamics • Myths • Unrealistic Expectations • Differences • Dragons • No Model of the Family • Conflict • Unpredictability • Chaos • Competing Demands

5. SOME THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND • The Main Rule is that there are few Hard and Fast Rules about exactly how to build a blended family….. • Whatever works and you can agree upon, will probably be the best route to take. Negotiation and compromise are key….. • Often it is a matter of trial and error and that’s okay as long as you understand that going in and both agree to support each through the trials….. • The spirit in which you do things, make choices and conduct yourselves is as important as what you do….. • In many respects, you are in uncharted territory because no one has done exactly what you are about to embark on in your unique family situation….. • Choosing to be a “CONSCIOUS” Parent, Partner, Step-Parent, Ex-Spouse is invaluable….

6. Our Goals for our Work and Our Family #2. Couple Strength as the Foundation of the Family • Modeling Good Partnering Skills and a Healthy Relationship • Establishing a Plan around how you communicate, support one another and get time to PLAY, PLAN and Deal with Issues • A PLAN that gets Everyone “some” of what they need.

7. Our Goals for our Work and Our Family #1. Priority Focus on the children and how to navigate this transition with them. • What can we expect? • What to put in place? • What to make an issue of? • What to leave alone? • Where to start?

8. VISION FOR THE FUTURE EXERCISE

9. Stages of Stepfamily Development • Fantasy Stage (sometimes called Illusion) • Romance is in the air; we’ll be one big happy family. • Confusion Stage • Something is wrong but WHAT? The new family isn’t working out the way we had planned. • Crazy Time • The stress and inaction of the previous stage makes it’s way to the surface. • Family members experience pain, anger, dissatisfaction, guilt. • Make or Break Time • Stability • When handled properly, this is a time of coming together • Family Members begin to relate to one another in ways that are more natural and begin to see their own roles falling into place. • Commitment (Acceptance) Stage • The beginning of this final stage means being able to accept change as non-threatening and when you can feel good about saying “this is probably as good as it can get.”

10. CONFLICT • Conflicting Forces of Blood and Sex – Who comes first, my partner or my child? • Conflict of Loyalties: parent vs stepparent re: child, partner vs partner re: ex, child vs stepparent re: biological parent • Colliding Interests and Competing Needs

11. Dynamics around the Individuals • Consider each person in their various roles and the dynamics that surround these roles. • Each role has a particular set of dynamics, challenges and expectations • Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad, Child, Stepchild, Ex-Spouse, Sibling, Stepsibling

12. Children, Teenagers, Young Adults, Adults • Each stage has it’s own individual needs, roles, and developmentally appropriate challenges • Navigating these against the backdrop of loss and disruption brought on by death or divorce, can be difficult enough. • Introduction of the emerging new parental union and subsequent blended family can be a huge transition for any young person.

13. Building and Maintaining Couple Strength • Appreciating Each Other’s Reality. • Being aware of Communication Styles. • Continually nurturing and building the relationship. • Modeling positive relationships for your Children.

14. Tools for Building a New Family • Planning: Vision, Family Plan, Time for Relationships (Time, Money, Energy Grid tool) • The Six “Rs”: roles, rules, respect, responsibility, relationships, rituals (p. 35 of Family Rules)

15. Tools for the New Family (continued) • Building a Joint Vision for the New Family - Getting everyone some of what they need • New Partnering and Parenting: Learn it and Apply it (rule #8 in Family Rules) • Couple Strength as the foundation of the family

16. Ask Yourselves the Following Questions: • What’s in Place and What do we need to work on? How do we plan to work on this together? • Does it Fit for Me? For Us? • Assessing the situation honestly, your individual needs and expectations, getting to know yourself and making your own needs part of the equation are critical. Are you doing this now? • Blind Sacrifice and Denial will get you somewhere – but it’s not a place you would ever want to go. Do you find it difficult to face things head on? Are you inclined to meet everyone else’s needs before your own? Just going through the process of asking yourself these questions raises your own awareness and increases your chances for success in a blended family

17. WHERE TO BEGIN: Getting to Know Each Other • Our Stories • Our Expectations • Our Strengths • Our Challenges • Our Hopes

18. De-Bugging the Relationship: Exercises for Couples • Notion of the Family… • Time / Money / Energy Grid… • Your Job or Mine?? • A/B Reality- Honoring the Differences… • The Lake Placid Exercise… • Walk a Mile in the Other’s Shoes… • “Fite Fair” • Sending and Receiving, Calling a “time out”… • Make it a Date…

19. Getting to Understanding • Explore Families of Origin • Individual Expectations of Marriage and Family ie Do we spend time together as a family or does everyone do their own thing? • What is in common – what is unique? • What do we see as our combined strengths? • What are our Challenges – things to be worked on?

20. Applying What We Know and What We Want to our New Family Our Vision ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

21. The Children (In the Home and Outside) • Remember Who made the choice to combine the families and Who didn’t have a choice in the matter. • Some Things will stay the same; Some Things will Change • Different Sets of Rules can apply to different sub-families • Some Rules and Expectations will apply to Everyone

22. The Children at Home and Outside of the Home • Give them the Time they need to adjust. • Validate their personal fears, anxieties and concerns about the new situation. • Parents and Stepparents focus on relationships; keep your expectations in check; don’t force the relationships.

23. Children/Young People in the Home • Keep parenting and discipline styles as much the same as possible, at least in the beginning; too much change too fast will set off alarm bells for them… • Biological parents continue as Primary Disciplinarian with own children… • Differential parenting can be okay with older children/adolescents; Different strokes for different folks; and how to explain this… • When to make adjustments and exceptions. For example, if a child from one family can make a case for having a similar later curfew and the parent sees no reason why not, then make the change. • Remember, we’re also modeling for our children how to work out our differences, how to be reasonable with other people and how to negotiate change. What better training ground than a blended family?

24. Structure in Your New Home • Develop Guidelines and Common Expectations that Apply to All. • Use the Four “R”s as a guideline for acknowledging individuals, their place and contributions in the Family. • Roles, Rules, Responsibility and Respect • Rituals and Relationships also play a part. • Create Family Memories by making room for everyone without forcing them to comply or take part, especially adult children.

25. FAMILY MEETINGS • Use this as a Time to Present Parents’ agreed upon Rules and Responsibilities. • Replace the word Rules with Expectations or Guidelines if you wish. • Parents invite children’s input but make the final decisions. • Expectations include household chores or tasks. • Respect for each other is expected at the meetings as well as in general. • Explain consequences for not cooperating, doing one’s part or respecting one another. • Let everyone know that family meetings will be a predictable time and place for them to discuss issues. • Explain why this is an efficient and healthy way to keep your new family functioning. A blended family is not unlike merging two corporations where planning and continual cooperation and communication is essential.

26. Family Meeting Format • Rules as crafted by parents will be presented… • There will be changes and Children’s ideas are listened to, respected and taken into consideration… • Adults run the meeting… • Children help decide consequences… • Children are encouraged to discuss what jobs they would like to do… • Respectful behavior or manners are expected at the meetings… • New Issues can be brought up to parents before the meeting; parents decide before hand which issues to discuss; new issues can be discussed or tabled…

27. Design a Family Meeting • Time and Place (predictable schedule is best) • Issues for First Meeting • Explain Reasons for Meeting Together • Establish some ground rules for making meeting fun and productive • ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

28. Value of Establishing “FAMILY RULES and ROLES” in the Household • Come up with some common house rules, roles and responsibilities. • Use your existing or previous family structures as a place to start. • Are meant to impart fairness and to encourage working as a team. Not meant as a power hold by the parents. P. 35 Family Rules

29. The Older Adult Children or Stepchildren The Adult Children’s Issues and Reactions to Re-Marriage • While you the new partners see this opportunity for love as a great unexpected gift and a chance to savor love, your adult children rarely share your unbridled pleasure. “The children often resist the change they know the marriage will bring. And they intensely resent being expected to act enthusiastic about it.” (p xii Stepwars) • Expectations are that adult children have their own lives and do not present any challenges to the newly remarried couple. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

30. The Wedding – Why Isn’t Everbody Happy? • Here comes the complexity!! • At a time when everyone is expected to share the happiness, self-interest and anxiety rule the day. • Biological Adult Children view remarriage for their mother more positively than Biological Children of the Father. • Daughters have more difficulty sharing their father’s with “another woman” and giving up their responsibility for him.

31. Five Furies of Couples and Adult Children • Fear of Abandonment and Isolation • Fidelity to Family • Favoritism • Finances • Focus on Self to the Exclusion of Other p. 7 Stepwars

32. The Five Furies in Blended Families: Definitions • Fear of Abandonment: The fear that you will lose a relationship that you depend upon for emotional and/or financial support and the fear that you will be pushed aside and left in a lonely limbo. • Fidelity to Family: Worry about changes in loyalty. Fidelity problems occur when members of the original family worry that the parent will lose his/her old loyalty after remarriage. The children may also feel that they themselves are demonstrating a lack of fidelity by supporting their remarrying parent. In the new family, either spouse may feel that the new partner is overly committed to his or her old family. Stepchildren also may feel that the new stepparent’s biological family has too much influence. • Favoritism: Concern about who is now number one. Whose wishes get top priority when choices have to be made.

33. Five Furies (continued #2) • Finances: For adult children, fear that they may lose money and or property that they expected to be theirs; for parents, fear that their children care more about their inheritance than about the parent. • Focus on Self to the Exclusion of Others: Anger that a parent or adult child is concerned only about himself or herself and no longer cares about the needs of others. A word to the wise: Learn early on to distinguish between “what you think or feel” and “what you say.” Words can be destructive. As a first step in taming the Five Furies, you must recognize each one accurately and honestly. Only then can you construct an appropriate response. Empathy with other family members can be encouraged by understanding the human needs that are not being met; to be loved and appreciated, to belong, and to have control over one’s life.

34. The Five Furies (continued #3) • Look at Handout of p.8-18 from StepWars which looks at 5 Furies of Parents who are remarrying, and the 5 Furies for Adult children. • What Furies do you expect to be dealing with and with whom? • What will be some of the messages you choose to send?

35. Step Matters: Which Role will You Play? • The Joiner: A proactive stepfamily member who wants connectedness with the new stepfamily. • The Guardian Angel: A Joiner who, in addition, helps a new stepfamily member to become a part of his/her family. • The Unifier: A stepparent or adult stepchild who attempts to make all members of both families feel that they belong the larger single unit. • The Indifferent: A stepfamily member who has little interest in becoming part of a stepfamily. Doesn’t think much about the stepfamily. • The Distancer: A stepfamily member who consciously chooses to have no involvement with the new stepfamily or its members. • The Destabilizer: A stepfamily member who actively attempts to disrupt the building of new bonds between the two stepfamilies. Usually this person feels they have everything to lose and nothing to gain in the new family. Handout, p 41-44 of StepWars

36. Suggestions in the Beginning… • Slow down or just “go slow” from the beginning… • Don’t expect smooth sailing… • Don’t expect the new family to heal wounds or losses from the past; it may actually exacerbate them or bring them to the surface… • Whatever Happens, KEEP TALKING!! • If possible, move to a neutral ground (New Home) *** • Give a lot of thought to planning a new home and the spaces that everyone will occupy (particularly with teens and young adults; space and privacy is everything to them!)

37. More Suggestions…. • Normalize the situations, the feelings and the reactions. Everyone has difficulty with major transitions, this is to be expected and will be accepted…. • Give everyone room to breathe and time to adjust…. • Open up the issues and discussions but don’t force them. Just knowing you are willing to talk about things or understand that they (the children) have their own feelings or thoughts on the matter, that may very well differ from your own, and that you accept that, will make them more open and receptive to you. This will ultimately mean so much more than outward displays of affection that don’t come honestly or easily…. • Remember that children and adult children, are very perceptive; they would rather experience or receive genuine respect or caring than insincere love or a forced display of affection. Their radar is up for people who are real and genuine in their responses….

38. Other “Niggly” Issues • What do we call each other? • How do we approach each other’s children in a way that conveys openness and respect and also seems normal and natural? • Is there anything wrong with treating one’s own children differently when it comes to affection? • Remember, everyone has their own comfort zone with these things and only by talking about it, do we reach understanding.

39. Our Goals for our Work and Our Family #3. A Family Plan that gets Everyone “some” of what they need • Begins with a Vision… • Includes the steps along the way… • Fills in the details of how to reach your Vision… • What specifically are we prepared to do to make this work?

40. What will Help You Get There? • A Solid Plan… • A Sense of Humor… • Much Prayer… • “The serenity to accept the things you cannot change…” • “The Courage to change the things you can…” • “And the Wisdom to know the difference…”