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The ABCs of Parenting

The ABCs of Parenting. Suzanne Kerns, Ph.D. Assistant Professor Division of Public Behavioral Health & Justice Policy Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences. Let’s start with B. B= behavior Observable / Describable Bs are either “OK” or “not OK”

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The ABCs of Parenting

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  1. The ABCs of Parenting Suzanne Kerns, Ph.D. Assistant Professor Division of Public Behavioral Health & Justice Policy Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences

  2. Let’s start with B • B= behavior • Observable / Describable • Bs are either “OK” or “not OK” • Each family makes their own decisions about what is in each category • Most Bs have a reason, for example: • To get something that you want • To get out of something that you don’t want • Safety/security • Power/control/influence • For most “not OK” behaviors, the reason is understandable, even if the B is not

  3. Think of a B that is relevant to you • Something you’ve been interested in working with your child or adolescent on • Something that occurs while you are around (not only at school) • If the B is complicated (lots of parts), pick one part that you think you could address • E.g., Your child rarely does the chores and gives you an ‘attitude’ when you ask, pick either doing the chore OR addressing the attitude (hint, picking the chore might be an easier place to start!) Hold that B in mind… as we go through our presentation…

  4. What are the As • Fancy name = Antecedent • Normal name = What happens BEFORE a behavior happens • A’s can be for desirable (OK) or undesirable (not OK) behaviors • Some examples for A’s making OK behavior more likely

  5. Some examples for A’s making not OK behavior more likely

  6. Tools for making the most out of A’s • Increase number of positive interactions • Younger children: Child led time • Child choice. Parent observes and comments/reflects. No questions, instructions, judgments. • Tweens and adolescents: Spending time together doing or talking about something your child is interested in • Probably the single most powerful parenting strategy • Why does this work? • Metaphor: Bad Boss Good Boss

  7. It’s all about the A • Positive Opposites • Thinking about your target B…. • What would the positive opposite be?

  8. And a little more about the A • Giving clear instructions • Consider: • Timing – does this request need to be made now? • Importance – is it necessary for the running of the household? • Proximity – am I close to my child/adolescent when I give the instruction? • “Do” language – does the instruction tell my child/adolescent what to do (as opposed to what not to do) • Clear language – Is the instruction succinct? Avoid (when possible) asking as a question, too many instructions, vague instructions.

  9. Examples of As for specific Bs?

  10. But when prevention doesn’t work…. • C = consequence • It’s what happens after the B • Can determine whether the B is more or less likely to happen again • Tips to consider: • What is meaningful to YOUR child/adolescent? (may not be the same as your friend’s child!) • Are you prepared to follow through every time (at least at first)? • Timing – may want to start at a time that’s more relaxed…. (not when you have to get out the door for work) • How do you want to talk with your child/adolescent about it?

  11. C’s work best when… • Planned ahead of time • Calm, consistent, decisive, fair • Linked to the B whenever possible (logical consequences) • For OK B’s: Reward talking nicely with extra phone time; reward homework completion with extra free time • For not OK B’s: Child runs away on a walk so has to hold your hand; child does not turn off TV for dinner so loses TV time that evening • Plenty of opportunity given for ‘positive opposite’ afterwards • If your child is acting up to GET OUT of something, it’s important that the C doesn’t help them to get out of it, accidentally!

  12. Examples of some C’s matched to B’s?

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