Ch. 7 Listening

1. Ch. 7 Listening (covering) The Nature The Challenges The Components The Types

2. The Nature of Listening • Importance: needed for personal and professional success, most frequent form of communication, and more valued than speaking • Definition:diff. between hearing and listening Hearing is physical- sound waves hit eardrums, causing vibrations which go to the brain. Listening is psychological- making sense of others’ spoken messages (Brain reconstructs impulses then assigns them meaning) Can be mindless-superficial, automatic, “tuned out” when not important Can be mindful- conscious and careful, fully focused, b/c we think it matters Reasons: To Understand & Retain (in classes, at work the boss’ directives ) To Evaluate (judging the quality of message to accept or reject it) To Build/Maintain Relationships (We prefer to communicate w/ mindful listeners. Poor listening weakens relationships!) To Help <Empathic Listening> (with concern/understanding, b/c one asks for help professionally or personally. We seek the counsel of others.)

3. Listening Challenges • Not easy: Takes time, concentration & work due to Overload, Personal Concerns, Rapid Thought (Gap Time) and Noise (physical or mental) • Different Reception: Personal perspective and experiences affect interpretation of messages (Receiving) • Poor Habits: keep us from understanding others’ messages • Pseudolistening…imitating listening only , mind in another place • Stage hogging… focusing only on your ideas/ interests (to hold the floor or demonstrate superiority. Remember “conversational narcissism”? • Selective Listening…respondingonly to what interests you (like talking to a tree) p. 180 • Gap filling… distorting messages by making up info. to fill in gaps they didn’t “get” • Insulated listening…avoiding topics you’d rather not deal with (almost the opposite of Selective Listening) • Defensive Listening… hearing comments as personal attacks (might be insecure or have a weak self-image) • Ambushing…collecting information to use against others (creates defensiveness)

4. Process or Components of Listening • Hearing- physical beginning of listening process (nonselective, earlier def.) • Diminished by physical disorders (get hearing checked, esp. children), background noise, and auditory fatigue (from hearing loud noises ie. Jackhammers, rock concerts. Less hearing frustrates both sender and receiver and can cause ineffective communication. • Attending-psychological process of selecting some cues and filtering out others. If you care about it, you’ll ATTEND to listening. Can be physical problem or just insensitivity. Attending helps sender by increasing long-term recall of details if an attentive listener. • Understanding-4 elements: Awareness (of language rules), Knowledge (of Source), Context of message (intercultural as well as all else), Mental ability of listener (verbal ability, intelligence and motivation) • Remembering-recalling understood information (residual messages b/c forgetting starts immed.) In 2 months, only about 25% is remembered, sometimes impressions rather than exact details. • Responding-An external element of observable feedback, V and NV. WE ARE SENDING & RECEIVING AT THE SAME TIME=TRANSACTIONAL NATURE OF COMM.

5. Listening Responses • Silent Listening: nonverbally attentive w/o oral feedback • If you don’t want the speaker to keep talking. Can be right approach… • in large audiences or to avoid interrupting the flow (a joke) • When helping others (Sonia Johnson’s “hearing into being” women cried when allowed to speak uninterrupted.)

6. Listening Responses -Questions • Questioning: Asking a speaker for more information. “most popular piece of language” (Goodman and Easterly) Sincere, nondirective ?s are more reflective than directive. 1. To clarify meaning (use appropriate NV) 2. To learn others’ thoughts, feelings, wants…”What do you think?” Open - allow a variety of extended answers Closed -allow a limited range of answers (either/or, Yes/No “Were you upset?” 3. To encourage collaboration “Tell me more.” Doesn’t need to be a question. 4. To encourage discovery …a PROMPT ? “What would you do?” 5. To gather more facts/details so you have a better picture “What happened next?”

7. Listening Responses, cont. Counterfeit ?s: disguised attempts to send messages; more directive, but not all bad (NV behavior makes sincere ? counterfeit ) • Traps: Looking for agreement ; leading ?s w or w/o tag lines, signal a desired response. “You think so, don’t you?” Tries to back you into a corner. (Affect memory-after seeing videos, if asked leading questions, fewer details were recalled.) • Statements: Emphasizing words can make a? a statement.-“Are you going to let her borrow it?” OR turn it into advice- Are you going to let him get away with it?” • Hidden Agendas: Strategic set ups- ”What’re you doing Saturday afternoon?” “Nothing.” “Good! I need help moving.” (Creates defensiveness!) • Search for Correct Answers: Looks for preferred answer. “Does this make me look fat?” ”What should I wear?” BE CAREFUL! Unchecked assumptions assumes something is wrong. Use perception – checking!

8. Listening Responses cont. • Paraphrasing- restating in your words the message you think you received (perception checking) w/ only 2 possible interpretations & a request for clarification. It’s mindful b/c restating and clarifying. It can reduce intensity in a discussion. *USE: Facts:. Be sure before you react. This takes practice but is worth it! Be NEUTRAL. Summarize facts & ask for clarification & ADD Personal Info.: Include speakers thoughts, feelings, & wants. Can mix paraphrasing w/ other listening responses. Don’t overuse! (Time factor) NONJUDGMENTAL, OTHER-ORIENTED RESPONSES: ▪ Empathizing- Identifying w/ the speaker. Requires sincerity, identifies emotion & perception like paraphrasing, but has less evaluation and agreement. It legitimizes feelings w/o agreeing. (perspective taking, emotional contagion, & genuine concern) DO NOT: 1. Deny the right to their feelings. (“You shouldn’t feel like that.” ) 2. Minimize the significance of the situation. (“It’s only a test.”) 3. Defend YOU. (“Not my fault!”) 4. Bring anyone down. (“That’s nice if you like that sort of thing.” No “rain on my parade” idea, it allows all joys and all sorrows) <opal ring story>

9. Listening Responses, cont. ▪ Supporting: Sincerely reflects how YOU feel about THEM (expressions of care, concern, affection, & interest in times of stress or upset.” (Burleson, 2003) Women= more support responses; men= more advice or diversion of topic, but both respond to comforting messages if feel highly personal w/NV immediacy (eye contact & touch) Types: Agreement Offers to help Praise Reassurance DiversionBe sure to match other person’s needs,: be sincere, make sure the other wants it, focus on NOW not the future.

10. Listening Responses w/ more Input & Direction • Analyzing-INTERPRETING A SPEAKER’S MESSAGE, IT SOMETIMES HELPS CLARIFY, BUT CAN CREATE MORE PROBLEMS • You may be wrong or unclear; Sharing your analysis may create defensiveness (the person may need to work it out.) • How to do? Be tentative! Be SURE you are correct or can confuse a person more. Be sure the other is ready! (receptive) Be sure your motive is only to help not show off your analysis or make another feel bad for not looking at it this way. • Evaluating- JUDGES OTHER’S THOUGHTS OR BEHAVIORS, IMPLYING YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO JUDGE. (Do only if requested & no put downs) • Remember: the other’s presenting image may need protection! It can arouse defensiveness by threatening the self-concept. • Advising- Telling someone what to do, it can be asked for clearly “What should I do?”, ambiguously “What do you think of her?”, or not at all. • ADVICE is not always helpful: may be bad, allows others to avoid responsibility for decisions, not always wanted (you suggest there’s something wrong w/ the person) • Before offering: Make sure it’s wanted; the person is ready to accept it; it is correct (check the facts); the receiver won’t blame you.

11. Listening: Which response to use? • Begin with less directive, more reflective ones to be safe. • Consider 3 factors: • Situation- match response to the nature of the situation/problem • Other Person- Open to receiving help & regards your support as valuable • Yourself- Consider your weaknesses as well as strengths (skills and motivation) It takes practice, but it’s worth it! You’ll have more quality relationships at work, at home, etc. ! 8) (We probably all need to work on it .)