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Well, that just stinks.

You’re having a birthday, and I have very little I can do in the way of presents or proper (or, even better, im proper) celebration, for a number of pretty obvious reasons. Well, that just stinks.

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Well, that just stinks.

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  1. You’re having a birthday, and I have very little I can do in the way of presents or proper (or, even better, improper) celebration, for a number of pretty obvious reasons.

  2. Well, that just stinks.

  3. So I did some pondering and thought I could either just give you the card with the Hickory Farms gift certificate (that’s a gift that just keeps right on givin’) or I could find some way to explain my idea of how I’d like to spend your birthday. Or my birthday. Or any day ending in “y”. I’d like to tell you a little story with some intermittent pictoral supplementation.

  4. And here it is.

  5. For starters, this whole 1,500 mile distance thing does not conduce to my plan, so for the duration of this presentation let’s pretend that you have come to my place, where we can be free from all those distractions you have.

  6. As our play opens you knock on the door, I answer, and you step inside.

  7. Let’s begin.

  8. This is the first foot-and-a-half or so inside my door.

  9. I figure if I really do my best and show some restraint I might be able to let you get almost this far.

  10. Then I would have to grab you, rip your clothes off, and do you.

  11. Probably right up against the door.

  12. Whew! Been waiting quite a while for that, let me tell you. There will, of course, be more of that later, so let’s get our energy up.

  13. Have a seat. Dinner will be served shortly.

  14. Now, I’ve been practicing cooking a few different dishes other than those I usually prepare so I can whip up something good for you. I’m not sure right now exactly what that dish will be, so what are you in the mood for?

  15. Steak?

  16. Fish?

  17. I also fetch a mean McDonalds, if you prefer.

  18. Well, I’ll figure out exactly what to make by the time such a dinner becomes possible. Just trust that it will be the pinnacle of numminess.

  19. And of course, there will be drinks.

  20. There will be many drinks.

  21. You may want to indulge in some serious escapism via drinkage or you may not. Either way I’ll have a collection ready and you can have whatever you want and I’ll serve it to you and do my best to get you a little tipsy and really take advantage of your lowered inhibitions. So whatever you choose, drink up!

  22. And whether that be champagne kirs…

  23. …some brandy…

  24. … a glass of good wine…

  25. …or a mystery bottle of something clear that’s been sitting in my cupboard for a few years and claims to be whiskey even though it clearly is not…

  26. …enjoy!

  27. And what dinner what be complete without a decedent dessert involving whip cream and/or chocolate sauce and could only be served to one another?

  28. Well, this dinner, apparently.

  29. But I haven’t been completely thoughtless when it comes to the after-dinner indulgence. No, ma’am! How about for dessert you get…

  30. A little bit of this sweet action!

  31. Woo!

  32. Woo!

  33. Woo!

  34. And after I’ve aroused your primal urges to previously unexperienced levels of animal frenzy with my sensuously writhing and desirable bootiness, we’ll retire to a more suitable room.

  35. Ooh, yeah….

  36. Why, those appears to be new sheets! Unspoiled! Clean and fresh and satiny and oh-so-silky and slippery and just begging for some nakedness!

  37. Who are we to say no?

  38. Let’s prepare.

  39. You’ll need the proper attire, for starters.

  40. And in case we run out of ideas (not a big concern of mine, but just in case) we have an instruction manual.

  41. And in this box are a few props that I am not going to reveal to you at this time. There are some things you’ll just have to experience first hand.

  42. And a bottle of Gatorade kept handy. Gotta keep hydrated when there’s exercise and sweating involved!

  43. Let’s put all those things within easy reach and get you on that bed.

  44. And I’ll grab some of this. I want to really give you a good massage and slowly work the small amount of clothing you are wearing off of you.

  45. I’d like to give a good one, but I’m warning you up front, I’m not at all sure how long the massage will last.

  46. It will last until I’m overcome by the feel of your warm naked skin sliding under my hands as I rub them up your legs and over your hips and across your back and down to your hips again and I can’t help but kiss the back of your neck and all over your exposed body and feel your pulse under my lips and I gently bite your ear and see tiny goose bumps raise as my breath moves across the base of your hairline and I slowly move down on top of you so I feel your slippery skin with my entire body and then move off just enough to allow you to roll over and I can taste your lips and feel your naked body move underneath mine and I grab you hard and try to hold onto you as we slide around in the sheets and get a little hotter and a little wetter and more slippery and we

  47. Whoa. I need to take a break from writing for a moment.

  48. Give me just a second here.

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