The Explosive Child By: Ross W. Greene, Ph.D

1. The Explosive ChildBy: Ross W. Greene, Ph.D

2. Lagging Skills Bailey Eisinger

3. Lagging SkillsUnderstanding what’s getting in the way of explosive kids is the most important part of helping them.

4. Why Do Kids Explode? • Unsolved problems (who, what, where, and when) • Demands placed on the child exceed the capacity to respond adaptively. • A shift from one mind-set to another. • Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously. • Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem. • Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions.

5. The Waffle Episode • Students, like Jennifer, are distinguished by striking inflexibility, low frustration tolerance, and poor problem-solving skills. • Can you see the enormous difficulty thinking things through when Jennifer became frustrated? • Was there any way for the situation to be handled differently?

6. “Explosive” Kids • Difficulty seeing the “grays”; concrete, literal, black-and-white thinking • Difficulty deviating from rules or routine • Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainty, or novelty • Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution • Difficulty taking into account situational factors that would suggest the need to adjust a plan.

7. George • Dialogue (page 27-28) • These students need to be helped using their words to let us know what’s going on. • Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration in order to think rationally • Chronic irritability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem solving

8. Incorrect “explanations” • He just wants attention • We ALL want attention, so this doesn’t help us understand the way the child is acting. If he’s seeking attention maladaptively then that should tell us that he has the skills to seek attention adaptively. • He just wants his own way • We ALL want our own way. Adaptively getting your way requires lots of skill, which explosive kids lack. • He’s manipulating us • Competent manipulation requires forethought, planning, impulse control, and organization… Explosive kids lack these skills. • He’s not motivated • Kids do well if they can. Rewards and punishment don’t teach lagging thinking skills and don’t solve the problems that precipitate explosive outbursts.

9. Incorrect “explanations” (cont’d) • He’s making bad choices • This says the kid already has the skills to make good choices, if he did, we wouldn’t be wondering why he’s making bad choices! • He has a bad attitude • Well, he probably didn’t start with on; They tend to be the by-product of being misunderstood and overpunished for so long. • He knows just what buttons to push • “when he’s having difficulty being flexible, dealing adaptively with frustration, and solving problems, he does things that are very maladaptive and that I experience as being extremely unpleasant.” • He has a mental illness • Does this mean the kid qualifies for a psychiatric diagnosis? We still don’t know what skills he’s lacking or the unsolved problems are causing these explosive outbursts. “Problems in living” points us in the direction of what really needs to be done.

10. Plans A B C Mary Hodd

11. Plans A and C Defining A Handling a problem or unmet expectation through imposition of adult will. • Badgering, demanding • Yelling, screaming • Confusing, exhausting Defining C Dropping an expectation completely (at least for now). • Decrease in explosions • Eliminating certain expectations

12. Why Plan A Doesn’t Work • Explosive kids don’t have the cognitive ability or skills to react and comply with the demands of another person. • This is the most used plan, and parents end up in a power struggle that results in explosion. • This plan is not recommended for dealing with explosive children.

13. Why Plan C Doesn’t Work • Parents temporarily drop expectations to work on more pressing or demanding behaviors. • This does not work for every behavior, especially dangerous behaviors. • Eventually the problem initially put aside will need to be resolved.

14. Plan B Defining B Involves “Collaborative Problem Solving” (CPS), a process by which you engage the child in resolving a problem in a mutually satisfactory manner. • Collaborative, thoughtful • Caring, understanding, clarifying

15. Why Plan B Works • Parents first collaborate with their child to understand the reasons for the child’s concerns about a problem or issue. • The parent communicates their perspective on the issue. • The parent and child discuss and agree on a solution to the problem.

16. 3 Steps To Plan B Step 1: Empathy Step – A parent asks a question that will allow them to understand the child’s perspective on a problem, then follows with “what’s up?” “I’ve noticed we’ve been fighting a lot about your bedtime. What’s up?”

17. Digging Deeper And Defining Step 2: Once the child has given an answer for his concern, the adult will dig deeper to understand by asking “how so?” or “I’m confused.” Then the parent can voice their concern about the problem by saying, “my concern is…” or “the thing is…” Both parties’ concerns need to be addressed for the problem to be solved.

18. Invitation Step Step 3: The parent invites the child to brainstorm ideas for solutions to the problem. Parents should have no predetermined solution to the problem when entering into Plan B. Each solution needs to be analyzed to be sure it is realistic and mutually satisfactory. The best part about plan B is that kids stop exploding.

19. Lives in the Balance http://www.livesinthebalance.org A website with video lessons on how to use Plan B and excellent ideas from the author.

20. Communication Heather Meysembourg

21. Communication • Communication is an important component in relationships • Communication can help reduce stress • Communication can help eliminate conflict • A good resource when working on communication is a family therapist • Can help make fundamental changes in the way family members communicate with their child

22. Communication Patterns • Speculation: • Vicious cycle of drawing erroneous conclusions about each others motives or cognitives • Family members spend more time on trying to prove themselves right rather than focusing on the main issue • Setting a family rule that each person is only allowed to comment on his or her own thoughts and motives

23. Communication Patterns • Overgeneralization: • To draw global conclusions in response to isolated events • Many explosive children react strongly to these statements and lack the skills to respond appropriately • Important to use “I” statements such as “I do not like it when you scream at me” • Stating feelings rather than speculations will result in the child being less explosive

24. Communication Patterns • Perfectionism: • When family members fail to recognize a child’s progress and focus on an old version of the child’s capabilities • Driven more by parents’ anxiety rather than the child’s lack of progress • Ross Greene states, “perfectionism is usually counterproductive with a child who may actually have been trying hard to stay on track or who may feel enormously frustrated by his parent’s unrealistic expectations”

25. Communication Patterns • Sarcasm: • Can either be unnoticed or extremely frustrating because the explosive child may not have the skills to figure out the sarcasm • Avoids the main issue because child either does not notice or because the child spends more time trying to understand what was meant

26. Communication • Over time the goal is to be able to communication with the explosive child in a way that demonstrates : • Self control during discussions • Staying on topic • Recognizing when discussions are not going anywhere • Getting the discussion back on track • Dealing more adaptively with things that are frustrating to both in the conversation

27. Parent Communication • In order for a child to learn/express appropriate communication skills, the child needs to witness it in others • Parents need to reach a consensus on how they want to approach problems with child • Child might have to handle 2 different set of expectations • Important for adults to put their own difficulties aside • Create support systems • Seek professional help when needed

28. Kids Do Well If They Can! Sonni Sellner

29. Flexability • Frustration tolerance • Problem solving

30. “Here’s the important point: the kids about whom this book is written do not choose to explode any more than a child chooses to have a reading disability. These kids lack crucial skills for handling life’s challenges.” - R. Greene (p14)

31. Parents Can Make A Difference! -Understand why your child is exploding in the first place -What are the triggers? -Identidy specific lagging skills.

32. Schools and Teachers Nicholas Zwick

33. Schools and Teachers Many of the same techniques that are used at home are also the techniques that are used in school when helping with an explosive child.

34. Schools and Teachers The most important thing to do in a school for an explosive child is to create a User Friendlier School Environment.

35. User Friendlier School Environment • A user friendlier school environment is one in which all the adults who interact with the child have a clear understanding of his or her unique difficulties. • In a user friendlier school environment, the adults try to reduce the overall demands for flexibility and frustration tolerance being placed on the inflexible explosive student.

36. User Friendlier School Environment • A user friendlier school environment is one in which adults try to identify specific situations that may routinely lead to inflexible explosive episodes. • In a user friendlier school environment, adults read the warning signals and take quick action when these signals are present.

37. Family Matters Serafina Scholl

38. Family Matters Helping the Family and the Inflexible-Explosive Child

39. Maladaptive Family Communication Patterns • Makes it hard for families to discuss important issues • Can cause meltdowns • Sibling fights are at their worst • Grandparents need to be on the same page as the parents

40. Siblings • There is sibling rivalry in all families but in families with inflexible-explosive family members other children may not understand why one child gets more attention than them • It is important to include all siblings in the process of helping out their inflexible-explosive brother or sister • Siblings might actually like helping out and knowing that they are making a difference for their brother or sister

41. Never-Together Policy and Safety • In order to help all involved in the family, siblings may have to stay away from each other for their own personal safety. • Examples • 1. Do not sleep in the same room • 2. Do not eat together • 3. Do not watch TV together • 4. Do not sit next to one another in a car

42. Example of Never-Together Policy • Mother: But Danny’s sister loves him so much. I can not imagine depriving them of each other’s company. • Me: (Ross Greene, author): I can. Safety is more important than having Danny and his sister be together right now. It’s our responsibility to make sure she’s safe no matter how much she loves him.

43. Sibling Deterioration • Sometimes, sibling behavior that was once perfect is now “going down the toilet” • Ross Greene suggests that some individual therapy may be necessary for brothers and sisters who have been traumatized by their inflexible-explosive sibling or who may be manifesting other problems that can be traced back to the old family atmosphere.

44. As A Parent, What Can I do ? • It is important for parents to really determine what goes in baskets A, B, and C. Realize the wonderful capabilities that your child does have, but do not ask them to do more because the time just may not be right.

45. Parents, Take Care of Yourself Too! • It is ok to feel bitter. You think you are going to get this perfect child and it does not work out that way. • Seek out of a therapist that can help you with problems of explosiveness, drinking, or ADHD. • You and your child will need to work together. A better you and a better child is a great team!

46. Grandparents In the Loop! • You may feel like you do not want to tell the grandparents what is going on. However, it is important that you do so that everyone is on the same game plan. It will be better for the child and everyone else. No confusion!