Second Chances: Back From Betrayal

1. Second Chances: Back From Betrayal Ted Klontz, Ph.D., CET II Marjorie Zugich, MA Directors, Onsite Workshops Burton Farbman Suzy Farbman Author, Back from Betrayal

2. What constitutes a betrayal?

3. Adult Children and Betrayal Retraumatization Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel Easier to lie than tell the truth Minimize, people please, “make it ok” Find worth through others Black and white relationships Rigid roles Guess at what normal is

4. Assumptions Ambivalence Move toward commitment Each has a role in the drama

5. “People change and forget to tell each other.”

6. Truth and Intimate Relationships

7. Where Do We Go From Here?

8. Onsite’s Recovery Model Each party shares responsibility Three simultaneous processes Betrayed healing Betrayer healing Coupleship healing

9. Truth and Intimate Relationships

10. The Road Back Is it safe enough to do this?

11. Truth and Intimate Relationships

12. Safety Negotiate a container for the healing process Place to have all feelings Therapeutic work on historical and current betrayals, core wounds Betrayer ends the affair and changes specific behaviors Betrayed gives a behavioral road map and makes room for trust to grow Boundaries agreed upon about intimate contact (emotional and physical) Create timelines, hold evaluation sessions, make modifications to agreements Develop a support system

13. Skills Therapy to address core wounds, clarity about needs and feelings, express feelings, self-discovery skills Act “As if…” Sort what is yours, mine, ours Negotiation skills Emotional regulation skills Relationship skills Managing conflict skills Intimacy building skills

14. Courage To do a fearless self-inventory To commit to a new relationship contract To be honest with myself and my partner To make room to trust again To accept To surrender control of my partner To be clear with my wants and needs To be realistic about my relationship expectations To do the work it takes to be enough… To feel and be vulnerable