What’s Wrong with this body paragraph?

1. What’s Wrong with this body paragraph? • When people have money, they are able to buy important necessities like food, clothing, and shelter. Food, clothing and shelter make people happy because they are not worried about what they will eat, wear, or where they will sleep. It is important to have food, clothing, and shelter because it will be hard to live if you don’t have these things.

2. What’s Wrong with this body paragraph? • Topic sentence has too many points. • No focus for the paragraph • No explanations • Repeats the phrase “food, clothing, shelter” • Doesn’t really support the thesis statement

3. Body paragraphs are important • Purpose: • To support the thesis statement by providing specific details and explanations that prove the argument in the thesis statement.

4. What is commentary/explanation? • Opinion • interpretation • Insight • Analysis • Personal response • Feelings (your own in a personal essay, the character’s in a literature paper) • Evaluation • Reflection

5. What is commentary/explanation? • When you write commentary, you are “commenting on” a point you have made. • Commentary echoes the focus in your thesis and topic sentences.

6. Read, think, discuss • Driving in the fog to Sacramento was a frightening experience. For example, no signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. Furthermore, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and non of us was allowed to pass him. When I finally reached Sacramento, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

7. Discussion Points • What is the topic of the paragraph? • What sentences are the detail sentences? • What sentences are the commentary/explanation sentences? • What is missing from this paragraph?

8. Compare the first to this • Driving in the fog to Sacramento was a frightening experience. For example, no signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. I panicked at the thought of being stranded along in a strange place. I kept hoping to see a station materialize in the fog and felt incapable of making a decision.

9. Compare the first to this • In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. I realized I had driven on for hours, dreading the never-ending blurring lines on the horizon. I was afraid that the weather would never lift and let me get back on schedule.

10. Compare the first to this • Furthermore, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and non of us was allowed to pass him. It was as though an invisible force field had been thrown up behind the patrol car. No one felt brave enough to dare going around him, and so we lingered behind for what seemed like hours. When I finally reached Sacramento, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

11. Check your own • Take a minute to read your own draft or look at your outline. • Did you include commentary/explanation type sentences? • What do you need to change? • Remember to focus your body paragraph on one topic, and then explain that topic using two details.