COPING WITH CONFLICT When Relational Partners Disagree

1. COPING WITH CONFLICT When Relational Partners Disagree Chapter 14

2. Relational Conflict: Definition • Conflict— • disagreement • interdependent people • perceived incompatible goals • especially when resources are scarce • and goals are important Conflict is inevitable in close relationships How we manage it matters more than frequency

3. Conflict in Parent-Child & Sibling Relationships Parents/Young children: Issues are related to autonomy/control Possession and rights, Caretaking, Hurtful behavior Rules & manners, Assistance (helped or left alone) Teens/parents: curfews, friends, dating, privacy Siblings: Same-sex siblings competitive Cycles of friendly vs. competitive behavior But usually develop strong bonds as adults Common conflict issues involve space and privacy, possessions and objects, parental attention

4. Conflict in Romantic Relationships Most romantic couples have 1-3 mild disagreements per week, and 1 or 2 serious disagreements per month 16% of married, 35% of cohabiting, and 30% of dating couples can recall at least one violent act in their relationship in past year Topics: division of household labor, jealousy and possessiveness, sex, work, money/possessions, social networks (including in-laws), children

5. Effects of Conflict Negative conflict behaviors have negative effect on relational satisfaction, commitment, stability Low satisfaction/commitment can lead to negative conflict Children who witness their parents in frequent, aggressive conflict are more likely to: have trouble interacting with their peers engage in unproductive cycles of conflict as adults

6. Effects of Conflict Why does parental conflict affect children? Two possible explanations: • Spill-Over Effect: parents who have dysfunctional conflict styles likely have dysfunctional parenting styles as well • Socialization Effect: children model their parents’ conflict styles Underscores the importance of parents managing their conflict constructively.

7. Conflict Styles Competitive Fighting Direct Compromising Collaborating Indirect Indirect Fighting Avoiding Yielding Uncooperative Cooperative

8. Competitive Fighting Competing to defeat the partner/win the argument Win-lose orientation (I win, you lose) Specific tactics include: personal criticism blaming or accusations hostile questioning and teasing presumptive attribution demands and threats

9. Collaborating Focus on creative problem solving Win-win orientation Specific tactics include: staying on topic inquiries about the partner’s feeling support and empathy (active listening) accepting responsibility emphasizing commonalities initiating problem-solving and brainstorming

10. Compromising Part win, part lose orientation Quality of compromise varies based on how mutually acceptable the outcome is Specific tactics include: taking the middle ground splitting the difference alternating appealing to fairness

11. Yielding Lose-win orientation (I lose, you win) Problematic if one person always gives in because he/she feels threatened or powerless (the chilling effect) Beneficial if the conflict issue is more important to one partner than the other Specific tactics include: appeasement (giving in) smoothing over differences passive acceptance of alternative positions

12. Avoiding Sometimes leads to a lose-lose situation with issues left unresolved However, in some cases, avoiding is beneficial. Specific tactics include: denying the conflict being indirect and evasive changing and/or avoiding topics acting as if one doesn’t care

13. Indirect Fighting Passive-aggressive strategies Focus on dismissing or indirectly derogating the partner’s position in an effort not to lose the argument Specific tactics include: ignoring the partner or giving the silent treatment cold or dirty looks rolling one’s eyes sarcasm and contemptuous looks

14. Patterns of Conflict Interaction Negative Reciprocity Set off by hostile behaviors (e.g., sarcasm, criticism, name-calling, yelling, accusations) However, partner’s perceptions of hostility (negativity) is the key Aggression begets aggression & complaint—counter complaint Patterns that promote defensiveness and divert couple away from the issue(s) Gunnysacking, kitchen-sinking, bringing in third parties Most couples do it, but satisfied couples also have positive behaviors (5 positive for every 1 negative)

15. Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont. • Common Couple Violence • Form of negative reciprocity: violence as way to vent emotions and try to control the conflict • Tends to be reciprocal • Involves mild forms (pushing or throwing objects) to very severe violent behavior (hitting, beating, using a weapon) • Repeated common couple violence (every 2 months or so) • Isolated common couple violence (one time but not in past year)

16. Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont. • Demand-Withdrawal Interaction Pattern • Increased demands—more withdrawal • Increased withdrawal—more demands • Problems of punctuation (who is the cause—effect?) • Changes can lead to greater satisfaction • Women MAY do more demand and men more withdraw • But the reverse in violent relationships

17. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Gottman’s (cascade) model includes the sequence: Complaints and Criticism Contempt/Disgust Defensiveness (mind reading; whining) Stonewalling (more common for men than woman) Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont. Figure 14.2, p. 346—Example of cascade

18. Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont. • Accommodation • People tend to retaliate against destructive behavior • Accommodation = ability to overcome this initial tendency and instead engage in cooperative behavior • Couples in satisfying, committed relationships more often use accommodation

19. Explanations for Conflict Patterns Emotional flooding Button pushing Empty threats Communication skill deficits Argumentative versus verbal aggressiveness Ineffective listening Effective listening: Let partner speak, Take partner’s perspective, Don’t jump to conclusions, Ask questions, Paraphrase what partner says (but don’t sound patronizing) Attributions Internal (External), Stable (Unstable), Global (Specific)

20. Patterns of Attribution in Relationships: (see Fig. 14.3) • Satisfied/Happy Couples Partner’s Behavior Partner’s Response Your Attribution Internal Stable Global Positive Positive External Unstable Specific Positive Negative

21. Patterns of Attribution in Relationships: • Dissatisfied/Unhappy Couples Partner’s Behavior Your Attribution Partner’s Response External Unstable Specific Negative Positive Internal Stable Global Negative Negative

22. Ten “Rules” for “Fair Fighting” 1. Avoid gunnysacking & kitchen sinking. 2. Do not bring other people into the conflict unless they are part of the conflict. 3. Attack positions, not people (no name-calling, button- pushing, or violence). 4. Avoid making empty relational threats. 5. If necessary, postpone conflict until emotions cool down. 6. Try to understand partner’s position by practicing active listening and avoiding mind-reading. 7. Use behavioral complaints rather than personal criticisms

23. Ten “Rules” for “Fair Fighting” 8. Try to accommodate rather than get defensive when you feel like you are being attacked. (Hard to do) 9. Try to validate your partner’s position by expressing agreement and positive affect rather than stonewalling or escalating conflict. 10. For every one negative statement or behavior, use five positive statements or behaviors.