Parenting From The Inside Out

1. Parenting From The Inside Out Tiffany Jones

2. http://www.hulu.com/watch/361313/modern-family-shred-and-manglehttp://www.hulu.com/watch/361313/modern-family-shred-and-mangle • What do you think Cam, the dad, did well in handling his daughter’s behavior? What could he have done better? • How would you have handled this situation differently?

3. According to the book, Cam should have.. • First, tried to channel Lily’s behavior into something related. • Realized it’s ok to say “no” to his child. He could follow this by saying, “I understand your feelings, but I’m not going to change my mind.” • If she became upset, let her “have her emotions.” • Set clear limits/boundaries • One thing Cam did well? Kept calm under pressure, rather than losing his temper at Lily.

4. What happens to the brain when people lose their temper : • When parents lose their temper with their children, the higher processes of the mind, located in the prefrontal cortex, shut down. In a sense, he/she literally loses their mind. They experience intense emotions, impulsive reactions, rigid or repetitive emotions and lack in self reflection and consideration for the perspective of others. (156)

6. “The High Road” VS “The Low Road” • High Road (high mode processing) - coherent, rational thought, flexibility in emotional states • Low Road (low mode processing)- loss of temper, rigidity in emotional states. • Muscles may become tense in response to stress.

7. If you feel you are headed for the low road, the best thing do is walk away. • Channel adrenaline into something unrelated, such as working out. • Do whatever you need to do to become calm again, and attain high mode processing. • Take a moment to reflect on what just happened. Did you feel yourself beginning to tense up? What triggered your response? Gain perspective and distance yourself from the situation. • Make sure to come back and confront the situation later with your child, and repair with a clear head.

8. Importance of Understanding Triggers to the Low Road • If you can understand your triggers, you can control going onto the low road before it happens. • You may have been “triggered” onto the low road by past experiences. (Slide Story- pg 157)

9. If you do enter the low road.. • If you do get angry and find yourself on the low road, it is important to go through the repair process with your child following the fight. • If may feel easier to pretend it never happened, but this can create a sense of shameor humiliation within the child. • Repeated instances of fights without repair can result in insecure attachments and low self esteem.

10. Taking time to Reflect. • Do not try to propel the repair process forward and “get it over with.” • Take time to reflect and understand what happened by yourself, to achieve balance. • It’s good to allow children to get out their emotions. They need to be calm and capable of higher mode processing as well to successfully repair.

11. In Reflecting.. • Try to understand why you were triggered onto the low road. What happened in your past that caused you to lose control? • Do not be judgmental of yourself or focus on personal guilt at what just happened. Try to learn from your mistakes for next time, and assume you did the best you could under the circumstances you were given.

12. The Repair Process • Once you both feel calm, it is time to start the repair process. • Younger children: get down to their level, tend to respond well to non-verbal communication, such as hugs. • Older children: May need more distance, then discussion. • Make sense of what happened through storytelling, which helps them to comprehend and learn from the experience(especially younger children). • Role playing is a good tool for all ages. For example, you may act as your child, and he acts as you.

13. Repairing Tips: • Acknowledge difficulties you have with each other • No blame • No judgments or interrogation • Let child talk first • Explain to child that sometimes people do things that are not rational. They can “lose their minds” and then recover them later.

14. Children literally learn what they live • Mirror neurons are nerves cells in the brain that make us prone to copying each other. Through mirror neurons, children mimic what parents do, and emotions as well. • “A parent’s disorienting behaviors will create a state of disorganization, and disorganized attachment, in the child. The child, empathically through mirror neurons and directly through her own fright without solution, enters her own state of inner chaos” (131).

15. THE ABC’s of Parenting • Attune • Balance • Coherence “Children need us to attune to them in order to achieve the physiological balance that enables them to create a coherent mind” (164). • The repair process fosters attuned, balanced, and coherent relationships. The ABC’s can be applied to parenting (or relationships) in general.

16. What “parenting from the inside out” means • “Bringing the inside out”- fostering the communication of emotions between parent and child. • Being empathic to your child’s needs. That is, taking steps to understand their perspective. • Working to create a culture of compassion in your home, in which children feel comfortable expressing their emotions, both good and bad.