Dating and Fear in the Age of HIV – I’m HIV Positive

1. Dating and Fear in the Age of HIV –I’m HIV Positive I left 28 years ago. My mother said softly, “This is the worst day of our lives. The next worst will be the day we bury you from HIV. A lot has changed since then. We know now, as we knew then, that being gay does not predict an HIV diagnosis. Infection is far from a death sentence, at least for those who have access to life-saving drugs. And for many people, like my parents, the fear of gays and HIV has been replaced by love and acceptance. But as gay men, we are still ashamed of HIV, whether we are positive or negative. Some would rather have cancer than live with the HIV stigma of the infection, where the diagnosis is filled not only with internalized gay shame but also with guilt: "It could have been avoided if we wanted just a little less.

2. Nationally, an estimated 20% of gay and bisexual men are living with HIV. Some are aware of their condition and receive treatment; others know nothing about it. Whether they know their status or not, there are thousands of gay men living with HIV, hooking up and falling in love. Many seronegative men I know live and love in seemingly happy denial, pretending that HIV is no longer stuck in their sex and dating lives. But the fact is, if you're a sexually active, HIV-positive gay man, you're probably already sleeping with HIV-positive men. You certainly wouldn't know it from casually reading profiles on many dating sites and apps; You may get the opposite impression and allow yourself to be tricked into thinking the infection has gone on a long vacation, like an aging Hollywood star. But unfortunately, many positive men do not feel comfortable disclosing their HIV status openly on HIV dating sites and apps. Some leave the status question blank or even indicate its status as negative. Others may state their condition in advance, but refrain from showing their faces. Some brave souls add a discreet "+" sign to their profile name. The lack of proud and openly positive gay people online in most cities is a missed opportunity for all of us. More open disclosure can lead to better, more informed and safer sex. It would also go a long way to removing some of the shame we have towards the disease. To get there, we need to do more to encourage HIV-positive people and HIV-negative gay men to openly discuss their status and risk online, and to create a dialogue that supports both HIV-positive and HIV-negative people working in difficult conditions or situation. a big challenge to be in a relationship with each other. For those who are HIV negative: We need to address our own fears and shame about HIV and do so together with other people, both HIV-positive and HIV-negative. Only by being honest with ourselves about our fears and our demons can we begin to overcome our own prejudices and We need to ask ourselves how we perpetuate ignorance and shame in our community, regardless of our HIV status, through the actions we take and the decisions we make about dating and sex. Be informed:

3. We need to learn about the risks of HIV in 2012 and understand what it means to have an infection today. And we need to understand, and incorporate into our sex lives, the fact that the risk of transmission is greater with someone who is unaware of their condition and/or not taking medication than with someone who is being treated. There are tens of thousands of serodiscordant couples (positive/negative) who maintain vibrant and healthy relationships that last for years or decades without one passing the virus to the other. With medications that can often (though not always) reduce the virus to undetectable levels, PReP, and basic safer sex practices, it's actually pretty easy to protect yourself and your partner. I understand because I've been there. My younger self struggled to kiss someone I knew was HIV positive. I always knew you couldn't spread HIV through kissing (it's a simple, safe activity), but the irrational mind is powerful. Today I have many friends that I love who are HIV positive and I commit to kissing each one of them.