Asperger Syndrome and Marriage

1. Asperger Syndrome and Marriage Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker www.asperger-marriage.info

2. Essential Requirements • Formal diagnosis accepted by both partners • Mutual desire to have a working relationship • Mutual willingness to learn BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach

3. Background • Met at university in 1985 • Moved in together 1989 • Son born 1992 • Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997 www.asperger-marriage.info

4. Chris – Why I Wanted a Relationship • Wanted to share something with someone – though not sure what • Was very lonely – thought that I would be able to talk to someone in a relationship • Also ‘heterosexual male’ • Possibly children

5. Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship? • Limited emotional and time demands from Gisela • Chris’s linguistic ability • Mutual interests – doing same course music / culture political sympathies • Physical attraction

6. Early Days - What Endangered the Relationship? Chris • Unreasonable demands on my time • Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult • Gisela’s untidiness Gisela • Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortable • Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents • But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever met’

7. Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela • Vital Routines– hoovering the working surface • Importance of sleep to Chris • Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris apparently determined not to • Apparent hostility • Deteriorating relationship with parents and children • Apparent indifference to family members’ needs • Unable to use feminine wiles www.asperger-marriage.info

8. Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris • Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not me • I was reasonably happy, could not understand why Gisela was not • Gisela has different ideas of what is important • relationship with the children and people far more important to her than things being in the right place • distressing for me when something is not in the right place • Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I wanted to sleep

9. Diagnosis – Why Important? • Chris – always felt socially handicapped – diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather than it being a personal inadequacy • Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to engage fully in a close relationship – needed to know which

10. Initial Reaction to DSM-IV • Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with AS acted irrationally – and I acted rationally’ • Gisela – Astonished, a description of Chris’s idiosyncrasies

11. ‘There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome’

12. Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’ • Bullying • Severe depression • Nearly ended a marriage • Extremely unhappy relationship with parents • Unable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford • Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and job opportunities curtailed • Difficulties in employment

13. Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ with Asperger Syndrome • Medication • Family

14. Professional Help Available to Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS

15. Other Help Available for Partners in Asperger Marriages • Literature by professionals, people with AS and partners • Support groups – national and local • Internet lists • Extended family • Good friends

16. AS Features Causing Difficulties • Lack of Empathy? • Inability to mind-read • Effects of stress on the AS partner • Communication difficulties– personal and work relationships

17. Non-Spectrum Features Causing Difficulties • Lack of Appreciation of: • stress caused by daily living with AS • need for space • misunderstanding not only one way • Need for reassurance of affection • Need for conversation and social interaction • Need to be understood

18. Essential problem is communication

19. Verbal Communication • Conversation AS partner: • has a lack of ability to initiate • has literal understanding • has no innate understanding of structure of conversation • simply does not know what to say

20. Communication • Conversation structure difficulties • turn-taking • need for processing time causes delay in replying, particularly noticeable over abstract issues, e.g. emotions • MRQQ – manner, relevance, quality and quantity of replies

21. Non-verbal Communication • A real problem: lack of facial expression and other non verbal communication leads to much mutual misunderstanding • Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily misread

22. Coping Strategies • Awareness of differences in communication • Non-AS partner must not become emotional in conversations • Discuss one issue at a time • Try to avoid using metaphorical language • Wait for a reply – it will usually come • Explain the need for a reply if it doesn’t • The intent of the person with AS should be appreciated • Use Instant Messaging and emails

23. Employment Issues • Communication difficulties extend to other aspects of life • AS partner may appreciate help over work issues and day-to-day living

24. Social Issues • Separate social lives need not be detrimental to a marriage • Social occasions based on an activity – concert, theatre or quiz more successful • Purely social occasions should be limited to small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundings

25. Parenting • Chris benefited from watching me – and we agree on strategies with George • George aware of Chris’s AS • Conscientious

26. The Future • Chris’s relationship with his parents is much improved • Still problems with my three children – difficult to redress • Despite practice some situations still very difficult – interviews • Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Divorce’