“Offensiveless Defense” with Two Rules

“Offensiveless Defense” with Two Rules

THE ONLY TWO RULES WE MAY EVER NEED for • Bully Prevention • Suicide Prevention • Homicide Prevention • Much less need for Bereavement, Grief, Uncertainty, and Fear

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Problem is …. 1. People hurting themselves as their (seemingly) last line of self defense. 2. People hurting others physically and/or putting down others’ humanness as their (seemingly) last resort when stressed. Parental, spousal, sibling abuse, school bullying, etc.

The problem is: • Not enough parents and teachers bringing up their children with rules against this in the family and in their classes at school. • Suicides, homicides, attempts thereof, and ….Suicide attacks….Terrorism

Solution: Start with yourself: • 1. Take an immutable (i.e. don’t revert back) rule to never again hurt yourself ; not physically and not psychologically. (e.g. even when you make a mistake, don’t call yourself “Stupid”….AND worse yet.) • 2. Take an immutable rule to never again harm anybody else purposely physically and not put down their humanness. (e.g. when someone makes a mistake, don’t call them “Stupid”, etc.- Say instead, “That’s a mistake. Get back on track.”

Without consciously taking these 2 rules, you will seriously hurt yourself and/or other(s) eventually, often resulting in a serious problem.As parents or teachers it’s rarely too late to introduce these two rules to your children or students.

Regarding spankings for young people. There are learning spankings and there are damaging spankings. Before the point of pain, attention is heightened and learning can occur, if you speak rationally and make suggestions while “spanking”. Stop using damaging type of spankings that go into pain, and result in the person shutting-down, becoming resentful, and which impede learning. You know the difference!

Hypothesis- your life will get worse and worse if you do not have and keep these two rules; your life will get better and better if you DO have and keep these two rules.

How Come Hurting Yourself takes away the real who you were meant to be? • Every time you hurt yourself, your unconscious mind takes it as the truth, and tries to make it more true. (e.g. if and when you first smoked, you started coughing and your body told you to stop. You kept going anyway, and after some period of time you probably found yourself with a lit cigarette in your mouth, not remembering when you lit it. Your unconscious mind took over.)

How Come Hurting Yourself chips away at the real who you were meant to be? • Every time you hurt yourself, the “real” you gets buried a bit. Unless there was terrible brain damage, you were born to be flexible, creative, rational, intelligent, loving, and cooperative. • Every time you hurt yourself, distress gets in you and interferes with your flexible creative, rational, intelligent, loving and cooperative actions.

Instead of Hurting Yourself: • For example, instead of calling yourself a name such as Stupid, try a positive direction such as- “I made a mistake, get back on track! That’s not like me!” or if you’re hurting yourself physically, such as smoking cigarettes, don’t kid yourself…If you are continuing to do anything despite negative consequences you ARE hurting yourself. • YOU do really know the difference • Research the best way…for you to stop….to succeed; and never give up.

ARE you Hurting Yourself or the other person if you say Goodbye to a Wrong or Toxic Relationship? • No, you might feel sad. But to feel sad is normal and appropriate- probably right. Right for the other person too, because you’re likely not to be “right” for them if they are not right for you. This frees you both up to look for a better situation. • ONCE YOU SAY THAT YOU WILL ACCEPT A RULE NOT TO HURT YOURSELF, don’t ever go back on it.

When the caretaker (in the teacher or parent role) is irked by a young person- eveb a so-called light spanking or any contact is usually not the best choice: • As the caretaker, you might go to hitting or wringing a coat, pillow, or some such soft inanimate object; even using a belt or stick on such (whatever will provide the most relief for you….AND be interesting for the child to turn away from their irking behavior. • You might even say:

Give details to your otherwise victim. Call what they have done names, but not them names. • “When you (xxxx-exact details so they know the irking part) I get so angry that I want to bash you. But I won’t because I don’t want you to be hurt, dislike me, or stop being cooperative”. • E.g. Drinking too much is assinine, YOU are not assinine.

This displacing performs several functions • Discharges your own irritation • Models offensiveless discipline • (When applied immediately and not all the time as the only response to the child’s behavior) it distracts the young person from their bad behavior. • Gives you time to think of a proactive or redirective response. “Walls are not for writing. Use this paper instead.” “People are not for hitting, hit here (e.g. a pillow) instead.”

ARE you Hurting Somebody Else if you slap, punch, or otherwise make contact? • You might look like you are, and you might be annoying, BUT you AND the other person (if not already distressed in this area) will know whether you have crossed the line into hurting. Humans know the difference. Thus pillow fighting, can be useful in that it can release anger safely, and be fun. • SO ONCE YOU AGREE TO TAKE A RULE NOT TO HURT ANYBODY, don’t go back on it.

Learn OFFENSIVELESS DEFENSE Use your flexible intelligence in each unique situation to also stop somebody else from hurting you. Do it without going on the offense, without “tit for tat”. It might take all of your intelligence, but it’s worth it. Don’t let fear get in the way of protecting yourself without hurting another. Keep thinking and speaking positively to the other, and don’t shutdown.

Know that People don’t improve with blame, reproach, and attack If you find yourself compelled to “hurt” somebody, it is often similar to the way you were treated badly in similar situations, or as you SAW somebody else badly treated in similar situations. Stop the cycle yourself or get help:

THESE TWO RULES, and Offensiveless Defense, ARE • WHAT YOU NEED FOR SAFETY. • WHAT YOU NEED TO REALLY MANAGE STRESS. Without them your life becomes unmanageable. • NOW, IF YOU START WITH YOURSELF, IS THERE ANY OBJECTION…?

Child on your lap Sometime during Grades 3 through 9 Adulthood before tragedy Slaps you *Slaps self Bullies *Gets Bullied Attracted to terrorist, gang thinking, or involved in tactics of intimidation, plans for assassinations, and attacks to control others *Making harmful choices that lead to addictions, self belittlement; depressed-suicidal thoughts Taking 2 rules vs. teaching 2 rules- 3 Crucial Teaching Times

Study involving question to the eldest of the eldest: If you could go back to ANY age, what age would you choose? Counter suicidal thoughts by taking a rule against hurting yourself “on faith”- then do the work to set your life better- e.g. start searching for endophine production through having fun safely, gaining freedom, gaining competence and being close to others; use positive directions against the distress or addictions; concentrate on being well-rested, well-nourished, well-exercised, and well-organized. Get up; move around; do the next indicated thing; trudge the road to happiness. Taking rules not to hurt self or another can happen anytime- No harm to take them “on faith”

Hurting somebody/others? Counter frustrated, angry and irritable feelings, and aggressive thoughts by taking a rule against hurting anybody “on faith”- then do the work to set your life better- e.g. when the feeling FIRST starts, note outloud : I’m feeling frustrated (irritated) and it’s not your fault.”; apologize immediately if you even slip a little into the realm of harm; ask for forgiveness immediately; hit something soft and inanimate if it helps; with a belt if it helps; stamp your feet if it helps; pray and ask for an alternative course and listen for the internal answer if you can; make sure you are well rested, well nourished, well exercised, and well organized. Tell this person what you would prefer they did; Ask this person what they could better. Taking rules not to hurt self or another can happen anytime- No harm to take them “on faith”

Search under your anger and look for (and express) grief, disappointment and/or fear. It is probably there. • Negative emotions stop clear thinking. • Stop “new” fear (and all its forms from embarrassment to terror) and sadness (and all its forms from minor disappointment to major loss) from getting in you through changing what you say to yourself to positive directions. • Discharge “old” fear and sadness (which already got in you) through the natural physiological methods, as you were born to do…until you are left with the ability to act in a relaxed, rational, flexible, creative and appropriate, loving manner. Instead of an emotionally laden memory, you will be left with an ordinary memory.

Unfortunately, people don’t improve with blame, reproach, and attack • Blame, reproach and attack shuts down a person’s intelligence and cooperation. • Instead of hurting somebody, start by SAYING (if appropriate) or merely thinking, “It’s a good thing that I have a rule against hurting anybody, because when xxxxx happens, I feel like (eg. Saying nasty things….wringing necks, etc.) because to me xxxxx is rude, wrong, etc. However, I want to help the situation to improve.”

Never give up! Examples of positive directions: 1. There is an elegant solution to every real problem, and I will use all my resources until I find it. 2. If the entire situation is taken into account, every person is doing the very best that he or she can do, and thus deserves neither blame not reproach. This is particularly true of you. 3. From this moment forward, I happily (solemnly) promise never again to treat anybody, including myself, with anything less than complete respect. This will mean xxxxx. Taking rules not to hurt self or another can happen anytime- No harm to take them “on faith”

Child on your lap- even though their force is probably not harmful to you, (or to siblings) still take this FIRST opportunity to teach the child NOT to hurt another or self. Slaps you as hard as they (probably) can-Do not laugh; gently take their offending hand; firmly say NO! Grab a nearby pillow (or similar) and lovingly SAY- “Be gentle with people. Hit here instead.” (He or she will usually bash the pillow for a long or short period of time while you look on) Sometimes/often they will then switch and slap themselves. Slaps themselves as hard as they (probably) can- Do as above-Do not laugh; gently take their offending hand; firmly say NO! Grab a nearby pillow (or similar) and lovingly SAY- “Be gentle to yourself. Hit here instead.” (He or she will usually bash the pillow for a long or short period of time while you continue to warmly look on, with interest.) Teaching these 2 rules- Toddler stage

Sometime during Grades 3 through 9 Bullies-Do not yell; Firmly say “NO!” or “Stop that!” Ask them, or if in the actual situation, ask the most upset person “What happened?” (Listen to their responses and repeat it to the other person- go back and forth without judgment until solution is found by them. If the bullier seems to enjoy intimidating and hurting another, ask: “Did anybody ever do that to you?” (e.g. “pants” you) If yes, say, “I’m sorry that happened to you. (even yell:) It should never have happened, etc.” Teaching 2 rules – Second teaching Crucial Time

Sometime during Grades 3 through 9 Tells you gets teased and/or bullied- Neither baby them nor rush off to GET the offending one (perhaps yet). First ask for the details and listen carefully to their answer and reflect the feelings you think you notice: Say, “You look (sad) (angry) (scared) (embarrassed) and I’m sorry that happened to you. (even yell:) It should never have happened, etc.” Then say, “I have some ideas of what to say and how to stop the bully/teasing.” Let me show you?” Then teach 3-6 offensiveless defense ways while you roleplay him responding with humor (“Very funny!”), facts (“You don’t have to tell me I’m heavy, I’ve got a mirror!”, and looking into their eye while blocking and saying- “You could hurt me and I might hurt you, and then we both might be a wreck.” Take all the time needed until they are ready. Even write the words out clearly for them to practice with you. Teaching 2 rules – Second teaching Crucial Time

This is a difficult time to introduce the rules because the person is no longer being raised by parents or under school authority- Thus the topic needs to be raised by a trusted person. Any adult who is doing anything that is harmful to themselves, including self-denigration, self abusive or suicidal thoughts.Start by saying, “It seems you haven’t yet taken a rule NOT to hurt yourself (physically and psychologically)?” (Listen) Next ask, “Has anybody ever asked you to take a rule to never again hurt yourself?” (Listen- and respectfully and clearly address any and all of their objections to taking such a rule) For a self hating egocentric individual, you might need to ask, “Do you think it would be good for ME to hurt myself? (Listen for them to say no) Well, YOU are a person too. Lastly ask: “Are you willing to take a rule from this day forward not to hurt yourself?” When you get a yes, add: “If you have any trouble keeping it, will you please call on me so we can deal with it?” Teaching 2 rules to an Adult -Teaching the meaning, asking for acceptance.

To rehabilitate an adult already in the criminal justice system or stop one who may be headed that way from later committing battery, assault, acts of terrorism, etc. is the most difficult intervention, and requires full caring and a time commitment by the “teacher”. From an emotionally &/or physically abusing parent or spouse, to the terrorist or gang member who has been trained to think and value tactics of intimidation, attacks, and even assassination to gain control over others, or governments…. Start from where you can. First, get their attention-- preferably before or in the early stages. Then make sure you say that YOU have a rule not to hurt anybody. (Demonstrate on their wrist what that means, if appropriate) Then…: Therapist or trusted person with rapport- teaching the 2 rules to Adults who don’t have them- Getting to Acceptance

Without even learning what is actually meant, toddlers without brain damage can be quite easily redirected not to again purposefully hurt themselves or try to hurt another nonthreatening adult. Since a toddler shouldn’t be alone, it will take an adult who knows how to do the following to teach this: They must first be “caught” in the act of trying to hurt themself or somebody else. This gives the opportunity to intervene and teach. Amount of time usually needed to teach the 2 rules to toddlers who don’t have them- (In my experience and practice)is about 2 to 10 minutes unless there are sibling issues in their setting, then longer (see teaching to young people).

Grab a pillow or something equivalent while fairly loudly and sternly saying “NO!” Do not laugh; gently take their offending hand or foot, and while you demonstrate, say: “ Hit (Kick) here instead.” “Be gentle to me (yourself me, her, him), and bash the pillow instead.” Keep a warm, aware, interested look on your face all the while they hit or kick the pillow, no matter how red or sweaty they get doing it…. Until they are finished and go on to doing anything else except trying to hurt themselves or another. Toddlers without brain damage want to cooperate, and will do as you suggest, as long as they understand what you suggest, and you haven’t distressed them by not keeping the rule of not hurting them.

Learning what is actually meant, and not meant by taking the two rules is the first step. After you are sure they know the definition of the 2 rules, tell them whatever works (without physically or emotionally hurting them of course) Words such as “You are not going to hurt each other (or themself) “It is not acceptable…You will only make (the other person or yourself) worse….It is not the answer…., etc.” This can be enough for some young people, but usually it isn’t. Amount of time usually needed to teach the 2 rules and offensiveless defense to young people who don’t have them- (In my experience and practice)

Teaching offensiveless defense to young people Some young people will need examples of offensiveless defense responses in every emotionally laden situation until they are mature. Others may only need good examples here and there in “dribs and drabs”. Some have had a concerted 3 hour period to “get” what is actually meant, and how to carry out offensiveless defense responses in their hardest areas, and then have been able to carry on just fine from thereon out with no more demonstrations, lectures, etc. needed.

Learning what is actually meant, and not meant by taking the two rules is the first step. Explain that they will only make themselves (or the other person) worse….It is not the answer to their problems and it doesn’t make others behave better by hurting them. However telling others that you could hurt them, but CHOOSE not to, usually has a salubrious effect. Even after acceptance, more teaching is usually needed to learn enough offensiveless responses. (Demonstrations help) Amount of time usually needed to teach the 2 rules and offensiveless defense to young people who don’t have them- (In my experience and practice)

After defining the 2 rules until they can repeat them, tell them it may take time to notice all the ways that you are hurting yourself. Explain that they will only make themselves (or the other person) worse….It is not the answer to making others behave better.….It usually takes adults the longest to both “get” what is actually meant, and even after acceptance, more teaching is needed to learn enough offensiveless responses or how to change. (Demonstrations are often useful. Learning what is actually meant, and not meant by taking the two rules and remembering the 2 rules can be simple and quick (as quickly as you can explain it) for some, or slow and misconstrued by others, even smart adults. Getting to Acceptance usually takes a few examples and questions by the adults. Ask first if it is themselves or somebody else who they think they would have the most difficulty with keeping the 2 rules. Amount of time usually needed to teach the 2 rules and offensiveless defense to adults who don’t have them- (In my experience and practice)

Stopping Adults from Abusing If the adult notes it is somebody else, ask for the first name of someone in their current life who it would be most difficult to keep the 2 rules for. Then plan with them some offensiveless defense responses to come up with a viable plan to help them. By learning this, they will be ready to handle the others in their lives. Give them a role reversal demonstration of your using the plan, and have them write it down, as they will need to practice. Without practice they will forget how to defend without harming. Getting them to exchange their old abusive response(s) to nonabusive suggestions and reactions can take one example, or up to years of cognitive, behavioral, or psychotherapy…. or confinement if they commit violent acts.

Assessing Adults’ Self-Harm If the adult notes it is themself, ask them what they are doing, or point out in a way that they can agree, what it is that is causing them harm. (Physical ways -such as smoking or drinking more than has been found to be healthy-, or emotionally putting themselves down.) Then ask, Are you willing to stop? Your response depends on whether the answer is “yes” or “no”. If they answer “No”, ask if they are saying no because they just don’t know YET how to stop, or is it more serious than that. If they don’t respond yes to “Wouldn’t you think that I (or anybody else you know they respect) should take a rule not to hurt myself?….And you are a person too.” , then they are severely shutdown and at risk. This rarely happens if they are following along with you. If they answer “Yes” ask them if they can “just do it”, or will they need outside help or a plan as to how to do it. Refer them to somebody who can, or if appropriate and you are able, give them a demonstration or a plan, and write it for them to practice or implement so as not to hurt themselves anymore.

What is actually not meant, by taking the two rules: Anything other than actual physical harm or actually saying directly TO THEM that which puts down their “humanness” (e.g. puts down their intelligence, underlying lovability, and underlying ability to be cooperative- separate from any distress patterns).

Because People don’t really improve with blame, reproach, and attack SAY, “There must be an important reason that you are resorting to this (summarize what you see as the bad situation).

At the extreme We have heard of people in gangs killing- in order to have a “tear” tattoo and initiation into a gang. America knows of jihad because we do not follow the ways of the Moslem extremists. Also, for the about 1% to 2% sociopaths and psychopaths in the population, containing or jailing seems to be the only current effective solution. In this examiner’s opinion, using offensive defense, rather than offensiveless defense, leads to more retaliation by otherwise good people as well as leading to others justifying their offensive methods.

It may have worked out better if the training began in early toddler age, or at the second crucial stage, while in school.In the U.S.A., approximately 20% of students report having been bullied (1993 survey of the nature and extent of bully/victim problems in junior/middle and secondary schools); One in five. Bullying and teasing tops the list of children’s school troubles: 86% of 12-15 year olds say teasing and bullying occur at their schools, and rank teasing and bullying as “big problems”, ranking this issue higher than racism, the pressures to try drugs or to have sex.Report in spring, 2001 by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Nickelodeon that: Until then bullying was often overlooked.

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Tension (negative emotions) stop clear rational thinking • Using negative emotions as guides to action creates irrational and imprisoning decisions and damaging actions. • Instead, remind or teach that what is rational, flexible, creative and intelligent is the best guide to action.

Negative emotions stop clear rational thinking • Stop negative emotions from getting in you through changing what you say to yourself to positive directions, as a first line of defense. • If too late, then discharge prior negative emotions that did get into you, by using the natural physiological method, as you were born to do…until you are left with the ability to act in a relaxed, rational, flexible, creative and appropriate manner, without fear, anger, sadness, tension or even boredom.

How come hurting somebody detracts from or takes away part of the good person who they were meant to be? • Every time you hurt anybody else, it adds more distress to them, and they become even worse; especially because it puts negative emotions in them, and crowds out their friendliness and cooperativeness. It also makes their thinking less clear. • Especially in families and at school, most people hurt another because they are trying to get that person to act better. Some people have been hurt themselves so much that they are passing on the pattern, like passing on a common cold. But they need to be stopped without further hurt.

Watch and Listen • Just about every time something goes wrong in life, in a movie or in a book, it is because somebody has hurt somebody or themselves, and they don’t have conscious rules not to hurt themselves or another. • If somebody WANTSto experience hurt, even death, don’t worry…accidents will happen AND nobody has ever lived forever yet.

In homes bullying is often overlooked between siblings, or is used as a method of adult coping with a young person. (This includes physical aggression, verbal assault, as well as being intentionally excluded.)These young people often grow up using a similar poor coping method.

Bullying has often been overlooked at school too. • At school, students report being victims of bullying during school. (This may include physical contact, verbal assault, making obscene gestures or even facial expressions, as well as being intentionally excluded.) • Are exposed repeatedly over time, to intentional injury or discomfort inflicted by one or more people. • Teachers rarely detected bullying, and intervened in only 4% of all incidents. (1999)

Where do most bullying incidents occur? • At school - In places with little adult supervision such as playgrounds and hallways. • Anywhere at home – When somebody feels thwarted, wants to control, or thinks they are infringed upon.

“Offensiveless Defense” with Two Rules