Choice Words: Igniting Greatness with the Spoken Word

1. Choice Words:Igniting Greatness with the Spoken Word Carolyn L. Jones, MSW Behavioral Consultant for Schools and Parents 503-910-8832

2. What ALL kids need… • Warm, inviting atmosphere • Belonging • Experience success • Explicit teaching of behavioral expectations • Effective supervision • Reinforcement for appropriate behavior • 4:1 positive interactions • Positive relationship with at least one significant adult

3. The Nurtured Heart Approach • This is an approach that evolved out of the challenges faced working with families and teachers of intense and difficult children. • Does an approach really make a difference?

4. The Nurtured Heart Approach • All ages • All levels of severity…ADHD, ODD, PTSD, etc. • This is all about how to therapeutically create a profound level of inner strength and to promote transformation, not just improvement.

5. Beliefs • Intensity is a good thing. • Medications moderate intensity... • The message to the child is: “You can’t handle your intensity…nor can anyone else.” • Everyone needs to be “seen” and to feel that they have worth. • Behaviors are means of “connection” to others.

6. Beliefs • Normal parenting and teaching methods are designed for the average child and often make the situation worse. • The harder normal methods are applied the worse the situation can get despite the best of intentions. • Behaviors that are “rewarded” will be repeated.

7. Helping Every Child to Flourish • And it’s about having powerful ways of making any moment an opportunity to create success. • It is about helping children develop “inner wealth.”

8. The Nurtured Heart Approachis about… • Creating a world of first hand experiences: “Here you are being successful…” • Relentlessly reflecting: “This is who you really are… It’s not a question of whether you can or can’t, you are…” • Helping each child build a new “portfolio”—a new way of becoming…

9. Helping Every Child to Flourish • More than “catching kids being good”... Cast a bigger net • It’s also about how to add new dimension to the opportunity. Finding the success in what IS happening AND in what ISN’T happening.

10. The Nurtured Heart Approach • The approach has three basic aspects: • 1. Super-energizing experiences of success. • 2. Refusing to energize or accidentally reward negativity. • 3. Providing a perfect level of limit-setting and consequences.

11. Toys R’ Us • We are by far our children’s most interesting “toy”. We have, by far, more features. We are the ultimate entertainment centers. • Children are in the process of forming impressions of the world and their effect upon the world. They do this by getting feedback from every interaction.

12. Toys R’ Us • Given traditional ways of disciplining, it is remarkably easy for a child, especially an intense child, to form an impression that this “Toy” is much more animated, interesting, and alive in relation to their unacceptable behaviors.

13. Toys R’ Us • These same “Toys” are relatively boring in relation to positive behaviors.

14. Toys R’ Us • Children experience the truth of what really gets us going • We operate as if we’re interpreted literally but there’s a current underneath the rational • How much are we radiating? • “Thank you” & “Good Job” pale in comparison to the energy radiated in relation to adversity.

15. Be the Prize! • Our emotions, our reactions, our level of our involvement…our energies are the prize. • Children have an uncanny way of knowing where “more” is. • Fortunately we get to choose what we radiate and how we radiate.

16. Nintendo Therapy • It is not an accident that so many children are attracted to games like Nintendo.

17. Nintendo Therapy • While the child is playing the game, life truly makes sense.

18. Nintendo Therapy • The rules are totally clear and predictable and so are the incentives.

19. Nintendo Therapy • Nintendo has a near perfect blend of structure: the positives and the limits are in just the right balance… • The timing is right…always in the moment. • The payoffs are not upside down.

20. Nintendo Therapy • Traditional models of teaching and parenting aren’t anywhere near as clear or as powerful as Nintendo. • Kids are confused about what’s an incentive and what’s a consequence.

21. Nintendo Therapy • Given the right level of structure, children can really play life to win. The structure helps them to use their intensity and energies successfully.

22. Nintendo Therapy • Wouldn’t it be nice if children applied themselves to the game of life with the same zeal? It can be done. • Life is a Nintendo game. We can transpose the same near perfect blend of structure to any other environment.

23. Nintendo Therapy • No Blame: The existing models, methods and beliefs are the problem….not the parents, teachers or child. • It’s rarely pathology…and the child’s really not out to get you…

24. The Quest • As a behavior specialist, I simply want to teach an approach that works. • I am on a “Quest” for transformation, and believe that teachers can be agents of transformation.

25. Taking a Stand • #1:“I refuse to be drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity.” • What is our intention? • Toll booth worker

26. Taking a Stand • Negative attention is like junk food: No nutritional value. Although not intended that way, it makes children weaker on the inside and downloads as failures.

27. Taking a Stand • #2: “I will purposefully energize and nurture successes.”

28. Taking a Stand • #3:“There are still rules, and this is what happens when you choose to break a rule. I refuse to not provide a true consequence when a rule is broken.”

29. Taking a Stand • Negative attention is like junk food: No nutritional value. Although not intended that way, it makes children weaker on the inside and downloads as failures.

30. Taking a Stand • Normal attempts to be positive get defended against. The child inwardly braces with words or thoughts along the lines of “I can’t hear that compliment...It’s not the truth…I’m not a good kid...” They are basing this on the evidence of what has been energized.

31. Shamu

32. Shamu • Lowering the Rope. • Creating successes that would not otherwise exist.

33. Energizing Success • The following techniques will help create a deeply compelling “time in.”

34. Video MomentsActive Recognition • Ordinary moments are windows of opportunity to give children a “verbal snapshot” of what we observe them doing. • Notice both actions and emotions. Use encouragement rather than praise.

35. Video Moments • *Describe back to the child what the child is doing, saying, presenting, without any kind of evaluation—be neutral. • Ex: I notice that you are working hard on your drawing. You have chosen 3 colors, red, blue, green.

36. More on Video Moments… *These are “neutral” moments. *Try to give 10-20 a day (or every 10-15 minutes you are together. *Do not use during delivery of consequences. *Persist even if child reacts negatively.

37. PolaroidsExperiential Recognition • When do we typically choose to teach the qualities and life skills that we value? • How receptive are children to this type of learning?

38. Polaroids • Highlight the healthy aspects of the qualities that you wish to enhance. • Teaching values is like polishing a gem…find the facet and nurture it.

39. Polaroids • Children often do not know how to evaluate their experiences. They need our help. • Ex: I see that you are putting a lot of effort into playing together. You are being so cooperative and that helps our class to be a great place.

40. CanonsProactive Recognition This builds on the first two techniques to highlight when the student is not breaking rules. This is a way to introduce rules to student when they are being successful. Ex: Jane, thank you for staying in your seat while everyone else is working. You are showing respect for your classmates. I appreciate that you are following that rule.

41. Canons • When do we normally choose to teach rules? • How receptive are children to hearing our words of wisdom under those circumstances?

42. Canons • We often give out energy to the rules at the worst possible time…we can easily accidentally reward the child for breaking the rule.

43. Canons • A fresh look at rules: Old rules and new rules. • What kind of rules best helps intense and challenging children. • Clarity…and more success opportunities.

44. Canons • Creating more experiences of success. • Recognition and appreciation when rules are not being broken.

45. Canons • Recognition to self-control and healthy power. • There’s always an underlying effort when rules are not being broken.

46. Canons • These begin to clarify the limits and set the stage for rules and consequences to really have an effect.

47. Creative Recognition • How do we normally make requests of our children? • Advertising options: traditional requests imply a choice. • Eliminate the options and confusion by making clear requests: “I need you to….”

48. Creative Recognition Always remember to reinforce with recognition and appreciation that is a bigger-than-ordinary reaction. • Use simple, clear commands. • Ex. Jim is in the process of sitting in his seat, past the point of reversing his action. “Jim, I need you to sit down.) Once he is down say, “Jim, thank you for sitting in your seat when I told you to. You are helping me to get the class going on time. You are so cooperative.”

49. More on commands • Use simple requests that are do-able. • Be sure the content is clear. • Invite compliance. • Use command language and not a question. • Don’t end your command with “okay?”

50. Making a Fuss • Instead of making a big deal over negativity, make a fuss over the good stuff. • Don’t get drawn into the usual traps: When a child does not comply, we often increase our voice tone , pitch, and volume, displaying frustration and anger. These are “payoffs” in terms of energy. We focus on the negative and show no appreciation. • Ex: “I noticed that you picked up almost all of the toys. I appreciate that you listened and gave a good effort. Now I need you to get the last few toys.”