我怎樣可以陪伴 青少年子女成長呢？

1. 我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？ 周惠賢博士 10.5.2008

2. 快樂成長要素

4. 父母的責任

5. 我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？

6. 了解青少年子女的成長變化 • 青少年與青春期 • 青春期是由兒童逐漸變為成年人的一個階段，通常由十歲左右開始，直至大約二十歲為止。

7. 身高體重迅速增加 • 外表上開始改變 • 第二性徵出現 • 對異性開始好奇 • 對自己的形象相當敏感 青少年的身體變化

8. 開始能夠思考與理解自己和世界的新能力 • 產生新的自我出現 • 可能讓青少年感到無所適從且充滿壓力 思考變化

9. Rice, 1978 把情緒分為三類 • 喜悅狀態(joyous states) 如快樂、愉悅、愛等 • 抑制狀態(inhibitory states) 如擔憂、恐懼、焦慮、厭惡、悲傷等。 • 敵意狀態(hostile states) 如憤怒、憎恨與嫉妒等 • 情緒變化有如天氣 情緒＋ 心理變化 獨立自主是很重要的一個部份，因此而與父母的疏離也是必然的現象。 與父母的親密關係脫離，青少年覺得有點緊張不安、沒有安全感。 造成許多青少年喜怒無常的主要原因。

10. 青少年階段應視為跟父母關係的改變，而非切斷和父母之間的聯繫。青少年階段應視為跟父母關係的改變，而非切斷和父母之間的聯繫。

11. 青少年面臨自我認同的危機來自以下六方面： • 前瞻性或混淆的時間觀 • 自我肯定或自我懷疑 • 預期工作有成或無所事事 • 性別角色認同或兩性混淆 • 服從或領導的辨認 • 意識信念形成或價值困難 心理變化

12. 青少年特有的自我中心現象 • 雖然了解別人和自己的想法可能不同，但常以自己的想法去推估別人想法，認為自己是別人眼中的焦點，而產生了想像的觀點。 • 親子關係緊張 • 青少年追尋獨立自主，若父母的管教方式和期望不能配合青少年發展而調整，很容易產生親子衝突。逐漸不再依賴父母，留在家庭的時間減少。 • 參加朋輩團體 • 重視友誼和建立異性關係，青少年希望被朋黨團體肯定接納，重視親密的友誼，對於培養獨立自主的能力、異性關係的建立等有幫助。 社交發展

13. 我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？

14. 1. The Moralizer • Positives to Build On • Moral compass, trusts instincts • Analytic ability • Detail orientation • Honorable • Continual self-improvement • Can envision perfection • Takes on causes; upholds justice, ethics, and moral principles • Helps others see error • Strives for excellence • Negatives to Overcome • Focuses on what’s wrong • One-track thinking, it’s either right or wrong • Overpreparation, avoids error • Inflexible, rigid, tends to self-righteousness • Moral superiority masks real emotions • Procrastination from fear of error • Indirect anger at being responsible for making the world “right” • Lives with harsh inner critic commenting on performance • Burdened by self-criticism about not meeting internal standards of perfection

15. 2. The Helper Parent • Positives to Build On • Gives invaluable support • Supports authority figure • True altruist (利他主義） • Caregiver • Capable of real connection • Emotional buoy （救生衣） • Empathic • Nurturer • Facilitates potential in others • Negatives to Overcome • Proud of being needed • Constant need for approval • Selective about whom to help • Curries favor • Plays it safe, not a risk taker • Assumes many selves, manipulative • Can become resentful and angry if feels freedom is curtailed.

16. 3. The Organizer • Positives to Build On • Self-Confidence • Reliability • Keeps focus on tasks • Natural authority figure • Goal Orientation • Multitask thinker/doer • Competitive • Drives self and family to succeed • Efficiency • Negatives to Overcome • Image of the perfect parent • Value results, impatient for progress • Pushes down on feelings • Believes own propaganda • Assumes is lived for actions rather than self • Difficulty in opening to feelings • Avoids failure • Wants to be winner or the family to be a winning team-at all costs • Views family as a project, brushes asides feelings

17. 4. The Dreamer • Positives to Build On • Connectivity • Creativity • Empathy in pain • Passion • Compassion • Intensity • Understanding • Authenticity • Intuitive ability • Negatives to Overcome • Feeling special to disguise shame • Melancholia, heightened emotions • Envy that other have what’s missing • Wants the unattainable, egocentricity • Needs to be different, special • Inflating emotions • Feeling unworthy, courts abandonment • Avoids the ordinary, mundane, mediocre • Romanticizes emotions, overdramatizes connections

18. 5. The Observer • Positives to Build On • Rationality • Calmness and balance • Objectivity • Creative synthesizing of ideas • Big-picture thinking • Predictability • Independence • Nonjudging • Restraint • Negatives to Overcome • Requires privacy, guards time and energy • Draws back from personal interactions • Secrecy, overvalues independence • Prefers nonengagement in emotions • Tendency to be minimalistic in the physical world • Lacks spontaneity, emphasizes controlling emotions • Overvalues the self, takes a detached, observing stance • Compartmentalizes, keeps family, work, other areas of life separate • Noncommunicative, interactions can be problematic

19. 6. The Questioner • Positives to Build On • Local, sticks with the agenda • Responsible. Endures • Protects the underdog • Questions incisively • Logical • Rational • Clear-thinking • Troubleshooter • Skeptical • Negatives to Overcome • Fearful, scans for danger • Fear can be paralyzing, undermining • Struggles with authority issues • Doubtful of self and others: “Yes, but……” • Self-sabotaging, fears that success brings hostility • Defensive, afraid of own and others’ anger • Suspicious, devil’s advocate,

20. 7. The Entertainer • Positives to Build on • Optimism and upbeat attitude • Entertaining storyteller • Plans, visions, dreams • Multioptional thinker • Upbeat energy and fun • Egalitarian • Renaissance thinker • Interconnective conceptual ability • Sparks energy and excitement • Negatives to Overcome • Trouble with commitment, seeks other options • Escapes from difficult personal interactions • Evasive, skates over the hard parts • Feels immune to others’ pain and conflict • Addicted to change for change’s sale • Feels entitled by own mental gifts • Tends to live in a future fantasy world of many options • Overly creative imagination, charms, and disarms, smooth talker • Avoids (emotional and mental ) pain

21. 8. The Protector • Positives to Build on • Take-charge leadership • Forges a path for others to follow • Ability to confront • Directness • Protective of underdogs • Shares intimacy when it’s safe • Seeks justice and upholds truth • Loyal to trusted people • Empowers others, uses force on behalf of others • Negatives to Overcome • Excessive behavior, can’t maintain stability • Authoritarian, controlling, rigid • Blames others for own miscalculations • Denial of limitations, seen as weaknesses • Damaging, direct anger, tests limits • Keeps a lid on vulnerability, controls being hurt • Being vengeful wards off vulnerability and hurt • Extreme – no middle ground • Lag time in acknowledging own feeling

22. 9. The Peacekeeper • Positives to Build On • Loves unconditionally • Energy on behalf of others • Accepts others • Good listener • Fair – sees all points of view • Able to help others access feelings • Tries to keep family dynamic nonconflictual • Supportive • Predictable • Negatives to Overcome • Stubborn, avoids anger and conflict • Procrastination • Asleep to him- or herself, runs in neutral • Contains own energy by inertia • Loses own position, passive, not an initiator • Slow to express anger. To know own feelings • Difficulty, tamps down emotions, drains energy • Prefers the familiar, problems with prioritizing

23. 1. The Moralizer • State your criticism gently, repeating that it’s constructive feedback, and that you love them unconditionally • Practice letting go; practice being imperfect; a mistake is simply a mistake • Try not to see Fun as a Temptation for “Wrong” behavior

24. 2. The Helper • Telling your family what you need - say “ I need help with this.” • Use your gift of giving judiciously – give only when your help is asked for • Be yourself – Find time to be alone. • 3. The Organizer • Be aware that you exaggerate positives and neglect negatives. This can lead your children not to trust you. • Operate at your children’s pace. Allow them to be human being, and not human doing. • Stop seeking approval.

25. 4. The Dreamer • Develop inner equanimity • Try to keep yourself focused on that and not always be pulled away when things feel ordinary • Avoid depression- when your attention goes to what’s missing, count the positives in your life. • 5. The Observer • Be aware that you tend to share little of yourself; successful relationships are a two-way street. • Develop social skills – Your children need you to be their models. • Share your gifts of rational thinking, of keeping a cool head in a charged situation. You are invaluable in a crisis.

26. 6. The Questioner • Be aware that you may be projecting your fears and emotions onto your children. (Ask your family for help in sorting out real dangers from imagined threats) • Learn to trust your children. • Find a process to overcome procrastination • 7. The Entertainer • Your preference is to equalize authority. Your children need an authority figure • Don’t avoid painful emotions and situations • Once you have the plan, commit yourself to a course of action.

27. 8. The Protector • Structure your authority so it’s not too rigid and controlling • Try to less blunt, not less truthful. There are 10 ways of saying the same thing • Embody the idea of containment, of not allowing your energy spill over and consume everyone. • 9. The Peacemaker • Don’t bury your anger, it will explode later and can be harmful to your children. • Learn to make decisions for yourself, voice your own opinion, notice when you defer to others. Your children are aware that you don’t take the lead. • Stop stubborn, try to put yourself into situations where you can safety engage in conflict.

28. Attentional Focus • error / how corrected • Needs of others • Tasks • What’s missing • Acquiring knowledge • Scanning for hidden dangers • Pleasant plans and future options • Power and control • Other’s agenda

29. Gifts • Moral compass • True altruism • Leadership on behalf of others • Creativity and uniqueness • Rationality • Logic • Optimism • Harnessing energy to empower others • Universal love

30. Avoidances • Error • Own emotional needs • Failure • Ordinariness • Connection • Deviance (being seen as different) • Pain • Vulnerability • conflict

31. Growth Path • From critically and judging to serenity • From pride to humility • From self-deceit to honesty • From envy to equanimity • From hoarding to allowing • From fear to courage • From no limits to restraint • From excess to trusting sufficiency • From being asleep to oneself to right action

32. The End