“I” STATEMENTS “YOU” STATEMENTS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS

1. “I” STATEMENTS “YOU” STATEMENTS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS

2. "I" Statements • THE ESSENCE OF APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS IS BEING ABLE TO STATE YOUR CASE WITHOUT AROUSING THE DEFENSES OF THE OTHER PERSON.  • THE SECRET OF SUCCESS LIES IN SAYING HOW IT IS FOR YOU RATHER THAN WHAT THEY SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T DO.  • "THE WAY I SEE IT..." ATTACHED TO YOUR ASSERTIVE STATEMENT, HELPS.  • A SKILLED "I" STATEMENT GOES EVEN FURTHER.

3. "I" Statements • WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING BUT DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HELP, • 'I' STATEMENT FORMULA IS A GOOD STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.  • AN "I" STATEMENT SAYS HOW IT IS ON MY SIDE, HOW I SEE IT. • YOU COULD WASTE INORDINATE QUANTITIES OF BRAIN-POWER DEBATING HOW THE OTHER PERSON WILL OR WON'T RESPOND.  DON'T!

4. "I" Statements • YOU DO NEED TO BE SURE THAT YOU HAVEN'T USED INFLAMING LANGUAGE, WHICH WOULD BE HIGHLY LIKELY TO CAUSE A NEGATIVE RESPONSE • BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW BEFOREHAND WHETHER THE OTHER PERSON WILL DO WHAT YOU WANT OR NOT, • THE 'CLEANEST "I" STATEMENTS ARE DELIVERED NOT TO FORCE THEM TO FIX THINGS, BUT TO STATE WHAT YOU NEED.

5. “I” MESSAGES HELP YOU LIVE ABOVE THE LINE BY HELPING YOU TAKE THE “POWER” TO RESOLVE CONFLICT PEACEFULLY, • BY HELPING YOU TO MAKE THE “CHOICE” NOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE OR PASSIVE, • BY GIVING YOU THE “FREEDOM” TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS TO ANOTHER PERSON, AND • BY LETTING YOU TAKE THE “RESPONSIBILITY” TO HANDLE CONFLICT YOURSELF PEACEFULLY.

6. What Your "I" Statement isn't… • YOUR "I" STATEMENT IS NOT ABOUT BEING POLITE.  • IT'S NOT TO DO WITH 'SOFT' OR 'NICE', NOR SHOULD IT BE ‘RUDE’…  • IT'S ABOUT BEING CLEAR. • IT'S A CONVERSATION OPENER, NOT THE RESOLUTION.  • IT'S THE OPENER TO IMPROVING RATHER THAN DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIPS.

7. What Your "I" Statement isn't… • IF YOU EXPECT IT TO BE THE ANSWER AND TO FIX WHAT'S NOT WORKING STRAIGHT AWAY ,… • YOU MAY HAVE AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION. • IF YOU EXPECT  THE OTHER PERSON TO RESPOND AS YOU WANT THEM TO IMMEDIATELY, … • YOU MAY HAVE AN UNREASLISTIC EXPECTATION.

8. What Your "I" Statement Isn't • WHAT YOU CAN REALISTICALLY EXPECT IS THAT AN APPROPRIATE "I" STATEMENT MADE WITH GOOD INTENT: • IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO DO ANY HARM • IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION • IS SURE TO CHANGE THE CURRENT SITUATION IN SOME WAY

9. What Your "I" Statement Isn't • WHAT YOU CAN REALISTICALLY EXPECT IS THAT AN APPROPRIATE "I" STATEMENT MADE WITH GOOD INTENT: • CAN/WILL OPEN UP TO POSSIBILITIES YOU MAY NOT YET SEE • SOMETIMES THE SITUATION MAY NOT LOOK ANY DIFFERENT YET AFTER A CLEAN "I" STATEMENT, • IT OFTEN FEELS DIFFERENT, AND THAT ON ITS OWN CAN CHANGE THINGS.

10. “YOU” MESSAGES CAN BE PAINFUL AND DO NOT ENHANCE COMMUNICATION • YOU ARE ALWAYS LATE. • WHY DID YOU DO THAT? • YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY • YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A BABY. • YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAIDTHAT!

11. EFFECTS OF “YOU” MESSAGES • PUTS PEOPLE ON DEFENSE • MAKES THEM RESISTANT TO CHANGE • PUTS PEOPLE DOWN • MAKES PEOPLE FEEL UNIMPORTANT • CREATES ANGER

12. EFFECTS OF “I” MESSAGE • IT DOESN’T BLAME OR ANGER THE OTHER PERSON. • IT PLACES THE FOCUS ON “ME”. • IT PLACES THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MODIFYING THE BEHAVIOR ON THE OTHER PERSON.

13. COMPONENT OF “I”MESSAGE • THE OTHER PERSON’S SPECIFIC BEHAVIOR • THE RESULTING FEELINGS YOU EXPERIENCED • WHAT NEW BEHAVIORS WOULD YOU EXPECT FROM THE OTHER PERSON (OPTIONAL) • THE IMPACT OF THE OTHER PERSON’S BEHAVIOR ON YOU

14. “ I “ MESSAGE EXAMPLE • WHEN YOU TAP ON YOUR DESK WITH YOUR PENCIL, I FEEL UPSET BECAUSE I GET DISTRACTED AND HAVE DIFFICULTY TEACHING. • WHEN I TRY TO HELP YOU, AND YOU DON’T SAY ANYTHING, I FEEL CONFUSED, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY HELP.

15. COMPONENTS OF “I MESSAGES” • THE SITUATION WHAT IS HAPPENING? EXAMPLE: THE PEOPLE YOU LIVE WITH DO NOT GIVE YOU YOUR PHONE MESSAGES.

16. COMPONENTS OF “I MESSAGES” 2. DESCRIBE THE PERSON’S BEHAVIOR IN SPECIFIC BUT NONJUDGMENTAL TERMS. EXAMPLE: WHEN YOU DO NOT GIVE ME MY TELEPHONE MESSAGES…

17. COMPONENTS OF “I MESSAGES” 3. POINT OUT THE SPECIFIC WAYS THAT PERSON’ BEHAVIOR AFFECTS YOU… EXAMPLE: I DON’T HAVE THE INFORMATION I NEED.

18. COMPONENTS OF “I MESSAGES” 4. TELL THE PERSON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR THAT “OWNS YOUREMOTIONS.” EXAMPLE: THEN I FEEL FRUSTRATED.

19. COMPONENTS OF “I MESSAGES” 5. TELL THE PERSON WHAT YOU WANT HIM OR HER TO DO… EXAMPLE: SO, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD WRITE DOWN MY MESSAGES.

20. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • POINTING THE FINGER AND USING 'YOU' MESSAGES PUTS BLAME ONTO THE OTHER PERSON.  • WHEN WE FEEL SOMEONE IS BLAMING US • WE OFTEN BECOME DEFENSIVE.  • ONCE PEOPLE BECOME DEFENSIVE OR ANGRY, COMMUNICATION USUALLY BREAKS DOWN.

21. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • WHEN TO USE: • WHEN WE NEED TO CONFRONT OTHERS ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOUR. • WHEN WE FEEL OTHERS ARE NOT TREATING US RIGHT. • WHEN WE FEEL DEFENSIVE OR ANGRY. • WHEN OTHERS ARE ANGRY WITH US.

22. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 1.  LISTEN • HOW TO LISTEN • FIRSTLY - DO NOT INTERRUPT • REPEAT BACK TO THE PERSON WHAT THEY HAVE JUST SAID (TRY TO PUT IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS) • USE 'AHAA ETC.' TO REINFORCE THAT YOU ARE LISTENING • MAKE SURE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE SHOWS THAT YOU ARE LISTENING • DO NOT GIVE ADVICE (UNLESS ASKED FOR)

23. EXAMPLE LEADER SENTENCES: • WHAT I'M HEARING IS.... • DID YOU SAY.... • SO YOU RECKON.... • I UNDERSTAND THAT.... • SO YOU SAY THAT....

24. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 2.  USE "I" AND NOT "YOU' • EXAMPLE LEADER SENTENCES: • WHEN I'M.... • WHEN I.... • I THINK THAT I.... • I FEEL THAT I.... • MY CONCERN IS....

25. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 3.  REFER TO THE BEHAVIOUR NOT TO THE PERSON • EXAMPLE LEADER SENTENCES: • WHEN I'M SHOUTED AT I.... • WHEN I'M SWORN AT I.... • WHEN I'M PUSHED AROUND I.... • WHEN THE SOCKS ARE LEFT ON THE BED I.... • WHEN I THINK I'M NOT BEING HEARD I.... • WHEN THE TOYS ARE LEFT ON THE FLOOR I....

26. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 4.  STATE HOW THE BEHAVIOUR AFFECTS YOU • ASK YOURSELF ...  • HOW DOES THIS BEHAVIOUR AFFECT ME OR MAKE ME FEEL? • EXAMPLE LEADER SENTENCES: • I FEEL UNAPPRECIATED WHEN.... • I'M WORRIED THAT SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG IF… • MY CONCERN IS THAT.... • I GET REALLY ANXIOUS WHEN.... • I GET REALLY SCARED WHEN.... • I FEEL HURT WHEN.... • I FEEL TIRED WHEN....

27. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 5  STATE WHAT YOU NEED TO HAPPEN • EXAMPLE LEADER SENTENCES: • I NEED TO.... • I WOULD LIKE.... • WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN IS.... • IT WOULD BE NICE IF....

28. Non-defensive Communication • FOR CHILDREN THERE IS A SIXTH STEP WHICH INCLUDES A CONSEQUENCE.  • HOWEVER, IT IS RECOMMENDED NOT TO USE THE SIXTH STEP UNTIL THE SECOND TIME AROUND.  • IT IS ALSO AT THIS TIME THAT THE TYPE OF CONSEQUENCES CAN BE DISCUSSED WITH THE CHILD IF THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH.  • OTHER WAYS OF GETTING CHILDREN TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN BEHAVIOUR IS TO USE THE "WHEN .... THEN .... " STATEMENT OR A BEHAVIOURAL REWARD CHART. • FOR EXAMPLE • "WHEN THE TOWELS ARE PICKED UP THEN YOU CAN GO AND PLAY."

29. NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION • STEP 6.  STATE THAT THERE IS A CONSEQUENCE TO THEIR ACTIONS • IF............      THEN............ • FOR EXAMPLE: • IF THE TOWELS CONTINUE TO BE THROWN ON THE FLOOR THERE WILL BE NO WATCHING SIMPSONS TONIGHT.

30. OVERALL EXAMPLE 1 • STEP 1  LISTEN & REPEAT  • SO YOU THINK I INTERRUPT ALL THE TIME? • STEP 2  USE "I" NOT "YOU"   • OK ... BUT WHEN I'M ... • STEP 3  BEHAVIOUR     • SHOUTED AT ... • STEP 4  AFFECT OF THE BEHAVIOUR      • I NEED TO FEEL AS IF I'VE BEEN UNDERSTOOD SO PLEASE DON'T SHOUT AT ME AND I WILL TRY NOT TO INTERRUPT.

31. OVERALL EXAMPLE 2 • STEP 1 • LISTEN & REPEAT                    • SO YOU'RE SAYING I NEVER SEE THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU DO AND YOU FEEL UNAPPRECIATED? • STEP 2  • USE "I" NOT "YOU"  • OK ... BUT WHEN I'M ... • STEP 3  • BEHAVIOUR  • SWORN AT ...

32. STEP 4  • AFFECT OF THE BEHAVIOUR               • I FEEL PUT DOWN AND HURT ... • STEP.5NEEDS                                               • I'D LIKE NOT TO BE SPOKEN TO IN THAT WAY ... • (FOR CHILDREN) • STEP.6  CONSEQUENCES                        AND IF I CONTINUE TO HEAR YOU SWEAR IN THIS HOUSE THEN ...

33. QUIZ TIME  • CASE STUDY • DEFINE A CASE PARTICIPANTS HOT TOPIC / CONFLICT • GIVE AN AGRESSIVE “YOU” STATEMET • FOLLOW THE STEPS & GIVE AN ASSERTIVE “I” STATEMET

34. ACTIVE LISTENING Also called Empathic Responding

35. Active Listening • Put your own needs aside • Provide empathy and acceptance • Help the person clarify the problem and feelings • Do not offer solutions

36. How Can We Listen Actively? • Non-verbal: • Posture • Gesture • Eye contact • Nodding • Smiling • Minimal encouragers

37. How Can We Listen Actively? • Verbal: • Voice tone • Parroting • Clarification • Paraphrasing • Reflecting • Probing • Open-ended questions

38. Empathy • Communicate a sense of understanding of the other person’s subjective world. • Act as “if” you were in their shoes

39. Empathy • Use words that express emotion: Examples: concerned angry afraid overwhelmed frustrated jealous confused happy

40. Empathy “I have to work to help support my family, I’m trying to do well in school, and I’d like to go out with my friends, but it isn’t easy.” What could YOU say to this person?

41. Empathy Possibilities: 1. Well, just keep at it. You will be fine 2. I work and go to school too. If I can do it you can do it, too. 3. You sound overwhelmed. 4. It sounds impossible.

42. Empathy Correct answer: You sound overwhelmed. Why? Because you are trying to get into the other person’s real feelings. You are attempting to let them know you truly understand and empathize.