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Understanding Shame and Healing Family Dynamics

Learn about the hazards of identifying the sex addict in the family, stages of grief, forgiveness, and family systems theory. Find insights on shame, healing, and fostering healthy relationships. Bibiographical references included.

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Understanding Shame and Healing Family Dynamics

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  1. HAZARDS OF MAKING THE SEX ADDICT THE IDENTIFIED PATIENT by Brenda Garrett and Ken Wells Psychological Counseling Services Scottsdale, AZ 480-947-5739 www.pcsearle.com

  2. Two-Question Name Tag • An experience where you felt “betrayed or lied to” either professionally or personally • An experience where you offended or shamed someone professionally or personally

  3. ANESTHETIZERS • SEX • ALCOHOL • DRUGS • NICOTINE • FOOD • CAFFEINE • GAMBLING

  4. DIVERSIONARY TACTICS • JOB • SCHOOL • SPORTS • TELEVISION • COMPUTERS • EXERCISE • CHURCH • CARETAKING • KEEPING BUSY

  5. Shame • Shame is always based in lies • Shame is always about our core personhood • Shame indents the heart, mind and soul

  6. Shame Shame is a prevailing sense of worthlessness that leads to the false belief I am what I am, I cannot change, I am hopeless. Robert S. McGee The Search for Significance

  7. Five Stages of Grief Denial Bargaining Anger/Rage Depression Acceptance

  8. Five Stages of Grief The Final Stage Acceptance and letter go . . . Intellectual forgiveness Emotional forgiveness Spiritual forgiveness

  9. Family Systems Theory • The theory suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another—families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

  10. Terms from Family Systems Theory that you’ll want to understand • Family Roles • Family Rules • Homeostasis/Equilibrium

  11. Hazards • 1. The urgency of treating trauma and suffering for the partner and children in the family can be diminished. • 2. The sex addict accelerates self-centeredness in treatment, ignoring empathy and the grief process for the partner, family members and others impacted by the addiction.

  12. Hazards • 3. Sex addict will often embrace a victim/martyr role which undermines the cultivation of empathy toward those who have been hurt— • 4. Healing and Financial resources are predominantly allocated to the sex addict—limiting much needed support for other family members, producing toxic relational communication

  13. Hazards • 5. Contributes to collusion between children and offended parent (“us against h/her” mentality)- pressuring the child to choose sides and accelerating shame. • 6. Undermines relational balance (homeostasis) and stalls or even sabotages the healing of relational reactivity which accelerates when left unattended.

  14. Hazards • 7. Prevents looking at the intimacy disabled-ness that both parties bring to the relationship.

  15. Eating the Tears There’s this story about a Volunteer who works with terminally ill children. It goes like this— He said “At the beginning it started pretty simple. I started volunteering in a ward where kids had been horribly burned. He said, ‘I thought I’d just go in there, cheer them up a little, spread around some giggles. Gradually, it developed that I was going to come in as a clown. At first, someone gave me a red rubber nose, and I put that to work. Then I started doing some elementary make up. I got this red, yellow and green clown suit. I picked up some nifty, tremendous wing-tip shoes, about two and half fee long, with green tips and heels, and white in the middle. They came from a clown who had retired and just wanted his feet to keep on walking. It was a little tricky coming in. Some kids, when they see a clown, think they are going to be eaten alive. And kids in hospitals, particularly in burn units, are pretty shaky. Burnt skin or baldheads on little kids. What do you do? I guess you just have to face it. When the kids are hurting so bad and so afraid, probably dying, and everybody’s heart is breaking, you just face it and see what happens after that. I got the idea of traveling with popcorn. When a kid is crying, I dab up the tears with the popcorn and pop it into my mouth, and I pop one into their mouth. Then we just sit around together and eat the tears. Sometimes the most valued thing you can do is just sit together and eat the tears.

  16. Bibliography • Carnes, J. Patrick, PhD, Adams, M. Kenneth, PhD. Clinical Management of Sex Addiction, Brunner-Routledge, New York (2002) • Dayton, Tian, PhD. Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships, Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, Florida (1997)

  17. Bibliography • Hontz, Marilyn. Shame Lifter: Replacing Your Fears & Tears with Forgiveness Truth and Hope. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, Carol STream, Illinois (2009) • Middleton-Moz, Jane. Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise, Deerfield Beach, Florida Health Communicaitons Inc (1990)

  18. Bibliography • Dayton, Tian PhD. Trauma and Addiction - Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emiotnal Literacy. Healthy Communications Inc, Deerfield Beach, Florida (2000) • Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. Death: The Final Stage of Growth. Simon & Schuster Inc, New York (1975)

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