COMMY for MT

1. COMMY for MT A Plea to Irony to Ensure it’s Long Term Success

2. Commy for MT Yes, you read the title right… this is my bid to become the guild's new 25 man raid MT. In the following completely true, completely fair, and obviously unbiased document I lay out why Irony's best hope for future progression is to switch Commy into the 25 man raid MT role and how we can best find suitable roles for other people who have bid for the coveted guild MT role. For ease of evaluation, I will compare Commy vs two of the guild's top tanks, Konery and Ackack, in particular. Disclaimer: Please note that this is merely in jest, I’m not this arrogant and I do highly respect those mentioned (and some defamed) in this document. Well, most of those mentioned at least ( F U HIOX YOU GEAR NINJA!!!)

3. Part One: What Makes a Tank? The online site Dictionary.com defines a tank as follows: • a large receptacle, container, or structure for holding a liquid or gas: tanks for storing oil. • a natural or artificial pool, pond, or lake. • an armored, self-propelled combat vehicle, armed with cannon and machine guns and moving on a caterpillar tread • Slang. a prison cell or enclosure for more than one occupant, as for prisoners awaiting a hearing

4. > Part One: What Makes a Tank? • a large receptacle, container, or structure for holding a liquid or gas: tanks for storing oil. Though Konery and Ackack both store and 'dislodge' large volumes of gas (which are toxic to fellower raiders) Commy has a vast storage of tauren milk proven to build strong muscles, attractive snouts, and can be used to polish armor. WINNER: COMMY

5. Part One: What Makes a Tank? 2. a natural or artificial pool, pond, or lake. One word: Utter. Winner: Commy

6. > > Part One: What Makes a Tank? 3. an armored, self-propelled combat vehicle, armed with cannon and machine guns and moving on a caterpillar tread Boomkin baby. Same armor as bear form AND a damage/healing sensation when needed. “But Ack can heal.” some might say. Those people have clearly never run an instance when Ack is healing because they are still speaking

7. Part One: What Makes a Tank? What if the healers in a raid die, who’s going to hold a raid boss the best? Ackack In this scenario the healers have probably died IRL from Ackack yelling “TOP ME!” @ 180 decibells in vent repeatedly. He’ll hit frenzied regeneration and then become a rug in Stormwind faster than you can say skinner. Konery In this scenario, Konery hits shield wall. What a brave soul, cowering behind a gi-normous shield with a tenacity reminiscent of “Brave Sir Robin” from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. But his undeveloped muscles can only hold up the shield for 15 seconds and then he is tenderized steak. Commy Barkskins, battle rezes all the healers but tells them to sit this one out, mass HoT’s herself, shifts back into boomkin and slays the boss with her mightly dps, self heals, and moonkin armor. After the fight, she crafts some Philosopher Stone to clean the gooey bits of Ackack and Konery left on the boss’ l33t loot. WINNER: COMMY

8. HIOX Part One: What Makes a Tank? But wait ! There’s HIOX !!! Hey Commy! I’m a FULL moonkin so I’m a better tank than you! Hiox, if you had more cloth on you’d be an altar boy WINNER: COMMY

9. Part One: What Makes a Tank? 3. an armored, self-propelled combat vehicle, armed with cannon and machine guns and moving on a caterpillar tread Still not convinced Commy has this category nailed down over Ackack/Konery? Well you missed a KEY WORD in the above definition… CATERPILLAR Yes, that’s right, long, slim and flexible (just ask Hiox about that last one) WINNER: COMMY

10. Part One: What Makes a Tank? 4. Slang. a prison cell or enclosure for more than one occupant, as for prisoners awaiting a hearing Have you seen Commy’s rack? Large enough to store gnome prisoners. WINNER: COMMY

11. Part Two: Pictures Now I realize most of you were educated in American public school, so I know the idea of using a ‘dictionary’ is difficult for you to grasp So let’s try using two things you ARE familiar with: Pictures and Experimentation (unfortunately not sexual or drug but you’ll manage) Since Konery and Ackack were unwilling to duel Commy, we decided to visit M.I.T’s Computer Simulation Department (that’s a big school with smart people for you confused warriors). We asked them to run detailed simulations of what the result of these duels would be, they gladly obliged Let’s see the results… Cautionary Note: The M.I.T programmers falsely gave Commy the ability “ConsumeCorpse”. This does not effect the duel simulations… entirely

12. Part Two: Pictures Ackack Vs Commy Summary of Fight: Things were going quite well for Ackack as his cat dps really was working a number on Commy who had to tank the kittie in tree form. However, out of instinct, Ackack began yelling “HEALS ON ME!!!!”. Commy obliged, and the resulting 10k crit healing touch literally blew Ackack’s head from his body. The following snapshot was taken from M.I.T’s simulation of the fight. Again, consuming corpse was probably a bad idea but at least Ackack’s last few moments of life were visually censored to ease his pain Winner: COMMY

13. Part Two: Pictures Konery Vs Commy Oh, I can already hear it now “Warriors get owned by Druids in duels, no fair!!!” cries Konery while nursing at his mother’s utter. For this duel, to even things out, M.I.T ran a simulation of Commy vs Konery while Commy was still a baby moonkin/resto hybrid. A snapshot of M.I.T’s simulation looks like this: The snapshot you see here may look like the egg Commy’s moonkin form hatched from, but it’s actually Konery’s left testicle. This testicle was a remaining piece of Konery after Commy’s insect swarm made Konery scratch himself with his “big threat generating” main hand. Again, the ‘consume’ ability for Commy was a bad choice and explains the ill shape of Konery’s dismembered testicle. Morbid. WINNER: COMMY

14. Part Two: Pictures Commy vs Bob To make this match fair, M.I.T allowed Bob to play all of his character’s at once to defeat Commy. However, the whining emitted by Bob’s character’s was so loud it overheated the sound card of M.I.T’s supercomputer and the simulation had to be shut down Winner: Bob's Whining

15. Part Two: Pictures Matches That Didn’t Happen Smashtacular/Grok/Scofeld: M.I.T asked Smash for the right to simulate a duel between him and Commy, however, he was too busy getting tea bagged by Konery during a raid to answer. Scofeld was too busy drying the nail polish on his hooves while AFK in AV and could not answer our request either. Grok declined the request as he hadn’t written his self-dictated, mandatory 5000 daily lines “I want to be Ackack.” Guidelin/Lustywench/Expiration: M.I.T requested the right to have these individuals face Commy while in prot spec and prot gear. However, even the geniuses at M.I.T were unable to get a cell phone signal through the bubbles they had placed over each other during a Hogger raid with Last Exiles. Padthaii was last heard gurgling on his own bloody cursing Irony and muttering something about Magtheridion. Fortunately they had beat Sooji and his new guild to Hogger “Sorry Sooji I know you expected better raiding…” his new GM was heard saying Evolym/BloodyEvil – Tremlin/Soki: M.I.T went off topic with comparing tanks and decided for fun to pit married couples against Commy. However, Evo was too traumatized from the vulgar actions of Jadalla and BloodyEvil was in fact BloodyWorkWeirdHours. Soki was too busy mind controlling Tremlin and pyroblasting him with his own spells much to the delight of the other mages. “MAX HIT THIS MOFO! Who’s your momma?!” Divinicus/At: In an interesting idea, M.I.T proposed pitting Commy’s own arena partner against him. However, they hung up on Divinicus during the phone request half deaf and mysteriously convinced that rogues and warriors were OP. At was busy trying to find a better druid to arena with.. .. And obviously failing. Ame: M.I.T knew Ame would probably beat Commy and merely asked her to log onto her Troll and ‘shake it’. She kindly did for 2G (double what Coldphoenix had paid her in Kara one night)

16. Part Three: Further Evidence Need more evidence? Try these well known facts: • Commy bugged Prince out in bear form when he growled (true story lol) True story. Barbara Walters interviewed Prince shortly after…. ..

17. Part Three: Further Evidence I shit my pants and had to find an infernal to wipe myself on and burn the evidence Prince, how did it make you feel when Commy growled at you in bear form? Veni, Scyler’s Priest, and Bob But I thought that Irony has you on farm status? How did you beat them? Who were the other healers? Enough said. But then Irony came after me again with Ackack as MT and I used my infernals to incinerate the bear dander he left behind when I crushed him Commy was too busy laughing at bugging me out to heal and the other healers spent all their time trying to heal my debuff in vain “You’re at 1HP and I can’t heal you!” they kept yelling… idiots..

18. Part Three: Further Evidence Need more evidence? Try these well known facts: • Commy soloed A’lar for 38 seconds. GG other Tanks. • Commy has both solo healed and solo tanked a heroic in the same day while pure moonkin. When’s the last time Ackack or Konery healed off spec (or on spec for the matter) GG other Tanks • Warriors Taunt…Ackack Growls… Commy pelvic thrusts in moonkin form. Which do you think draws the attention and anger of a raid boss the most? GG other Tanks.

19. CONCLUSION Commy is clearly the best MT for the guild. This report hereby recommends the following: • Guild bank is to be given to Commy in it’s entirety since he’s clearly the only person that can help this guild progress • Every weekend is “Double Honor Commy Weekend” for which people must donate all their BG honor to Commy • Irony officers are to put in a petition to change the names of Ackack and Konery to “CareBearCub” and “CuteCalf” • Ackack and Konery are now demoted to running as waiters for mages in raid. Delivering water to Commy on a tray (Konery’s shield) as quickly as possible (Ackack’s travel form) will help raid go smoothly and put Konery and Ackack in jobs which will most benefit the raid (i.e Commy)

20. COMMY for MT COMMY OR FAILURE, WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?