Catherine Soehner Associate Dean, Research and Learning Services

1. Be Brave: How to Hold a Difficult Conversation even if you are terrified Catherine Soehner Associate Dean, Research and Learning Services

2. About the Process • Based on my experience and what has worked for me • Requires a bit of self evaluation • Guarantees: • You cannot change anyone else • You will change

3. Difficult Conversations • Telling someone they will not be re-hired • Telling someone they are not performing adequately. • Telling someone I need them to do something that they don’t want to do. • Telling someone I need them to stop doing something that they like to do. Maybe something that they feel entitled to do.

4. What makes them difficult? • They might react badly (anger, emotion, retribution). • I might be rejected (by the individual and their friends). • I might do it badly and make things worse. • I might get angry or defensive.

5. Process for a Difficult Conversation Preparation • Get Clear • Gather Resources • Develop your Messages • After the Conversation • Write it up • Keep it up • During the conversation • State the Facts • Ask • Listen • Repeat Back • Set Expectations • Compliment and Set Expectations • Pay Attention

6. Difficult Conversation with Jane Jane is a tenured librarian who is regularly late for her shifts at the reference desk. While this has been going on for many years, no one has approached Jane about the problem. Her co-workers complain and their morale is lowered because they are constantly covering for her. Just last week you observed Jane arriving late for her 8:00am shifts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

7. Preparation –Get Clear • Why do you need to have this conversation? • Why do you need to have this conversation now? • What might happen if you don’t have this conversation? • What expectations do you have of Jane? Do you have similar expectations of others in the unit?

8. Preparation –Gather Resources • What documentation might be relevant to this conversation? • What other people might be productively consulted before having this conversation? • What personal information about you or Jane might be productive to consider in preparing for this conversation?

9. Preparation –Develop Your Messages • Distinguish between what you feel like saying from what would be productive to say. • Keep the focus on what you have observed. • As you set expectations, find a balance of directness and compassion. • Talk to your supervisor • Talk to your Human Resources department

10. During the Conversation – State the Facts • Present the facts as you observed them • Avoid, “It has come to my attention.” • Avoid, “Always” and “Never” Example: “Last week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I noticed that you were late to your 8:00am shift at the reference desk.”

11. During the Conversation – Ask Examples: • “Can you tell me what happened on those days?” • “Can you tell me what might have been going on for you?” • “Can you tell me a little bit about that?”

12. During the Conversation – Listen Photo by Jonathan Powell

13. During the Conversation – Repeat Back • Repeat what you think you heard. • Ask for clarification. • Be compassionate and non-judgmental. • Ask, “Is that right? Is there anything else?” Example: “Ok, so what I’m hearing you say is that on Monday, you lost your keys and couldn’t find them. On Wednesday, you had a child care issue. Usually your spouse takes care of these kinds of emergencies, but Wednesday he had an important meeting so you were left to deal. Those moments can be difficult. And on Friday, you overslept and didn’t hear your alarm. On Monday you didn’t call ahead, but on Wednesday you called to say you would be late. Is that right? Is there anything else?”

14. During the Conversation – Criticisms What if what I hear is a criticism of how I handled something? • If the criticism is accurate and something that I can change, I will admit to it right away and promise to change. • If I can’t decide or if I think they are wrong, I will likely say, “I need to think about that.” • Whenever I can say, “you are right”, I do it.

15. During the Conversation – Set the Expectation Your conversation will be different at this point depending on whether you are addressing: • A consistently high performer who has slipped up OR • Aconsistently low performer who has slipped up again Example: “I understand that life is complicated and things come up, and I expect you to be on time for your desk shifts.

16. During the Conversation – Compliment and Set the Expectation • Give a compliment, if you can. • Set the expectation again. • Don’t say anything you don’t mean. Example: "Jane, you are an excellent instructor and the help you provide at the reference desk is fantastic, and you cannot be late for your desk shift. We need you, Jane. You bring valuable expertise to the reference desk. And I expect you to be on time.”

17. During the Conversation – Pay attention • Limit small talk • Limit distractions • Use immediacy cues • Manage time

18. After the Conversation –Write It Up • Thank you • The facts and the expectations • Anything the employee agreed to do • Anything that you agreed to do • Correct any misunderstandings • By a particular date • Keep Human Resources in the loop

19. After the Conversation – Keep it up • Improvement? Congratulations! • No improvement? Keep repeating the process. Photos by elmyra

20. After the Conversation – Keep it up – Be Persistent • Watch for improvement • Continue having conversations • Write them up • Watch for a pattern to emerge • Follow the direction of Human Resources to implement disciplinary actions

21. Difficult Conversations • Telling someone they will not be re-hired • Telling someone they are not performing adequately. • Telling someone I need them to do something that they don’t want to do. • Telling someone I need them to stop doing something that they like to do. Maybe something that they feel entitled to do. • What are examples of your difficult conversations?

22. Your turn… • There are five librarians who report to you, including Annie and Tony, in a college library. • Annie coordinates library research sessions for a large high school group each semester. • Annie has asked that everyone volunteer to help with these research sessions with the high school group. • You asked each of your librarians, including Tony, to volunteer to help. • You noticed that after the sign-up deadline, all of your direct reports have volunteered except Tony. • Basics about Tony: 5-year employee, reliable for individual assignments, well-liked by one other librarian.

23. Preparation –Get Clear • Why do you need to have this conversation? • Why do you need to have this conversation now? • What might happen if you don’t have this conversation? • What expectations do you have of Tony? Do you have similar expectations of others in the unit?

24. Preparation –Gather Resources • What documentation might be relevant to this conversation? • What other people might be productively consulted before having this conversation? • What personal information about you or Tony might be productive to consider in preparing for this conversation?

25. Preparation –Develop Your Messages • Distinguish between what you feel like saying from what would be productive to say. • Keep the focus on what you have observed. • As you set expectations, find a balance of directness and compassion. • Talk to your supervisor • Talk to your Human Resources department

26. During the Conversation • State the Facts • Ask • Listen • Repeat Back • Set Expectations • Compliment and Set Expectations • Pay Attention

27. After the Conversation –Write It Up • Thank you • The facts and the expectations • Anything the employee agreed to do • Anything that you agreed to do • Correct any misunderstandings • By a particular date • Keep Human Resources in the loop

28. Wrap Up • You will change as a result of having these conversations • Confidence, Strength, Integrity • Develop an invaluable skill to be an effective leader and manager • Your ability and willingness to hold these conversations has a reverberating effect through your department, College/School, University, and State

29. “You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)