Steve Hayes & Russ Harris ACT World Con, 2011

1. Caring, Connection & Contribution: An ACT Approach to Friendship & Community Steve Hayes & Russ Harris ACT World Con, 2011

2. First: a bit of fun

3. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 1: Shock Wow! That was amazing! What the hell was that? How do you do that? Do you have to cry?

4. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 2: Denial Metaphor Abuse Dr Phil impersonations I don’t think you’re really committed – maybe you should consider medication!

5. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 3: Bargaining If only I could be like Kelly Wilson… Read more books Attend more workshops Pray that this time it works

6. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 4: Depression I can’t do it! I’ll never be as good as Kelly Wilson! I’m a fraud I don’t give a shit about the data - it doesn’t work for any of my f#@%ing clients!

7. I’m in the same boat as my clients! The ACT Practitioner’s Journey And I can even disclose it to them! Stage 5: Acceptance In fact I can even charge them money for listening to me talk about my own issues! Fused! Avoidant! Stuck!

8. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 6: Commitment Realise you haven’t finished reading any of them! Join the cult! Buy an ACT textbook So you look for one that’s a bit simpler Buy another ACT textbook Buy yet another ACT textbook Buy 3 more ACT textbooks

10. MadeEven Simpler By Steven C. Hayes, PH.D.

11. MadeEazee-Peazee Japaneezee By Kelly G. Wilson, HI.PPY.

12. Madeso f--king easy that even George Bush could do it! By John Forsyth

13. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 7: Evangelism Tell everyone you know how ACT is the best thing since sliced bread. Especially your CBT colleagues! Make your partner read an ACT book.

14. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 8: Obsession See ACT everywhere

15. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 9: Isolation & Withdrawal People stop inviting you to dinner. Friends and family stop talking to you. Your partner sarcastically refers to you as ‘the guru’ .

16. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 10: Salvation Then you discover the worldwide ACT list-serve. A bunch of ACT-obsessed geeks who are just as f--cked up as you. In some cases, even more so. (e.g. Kelly)

17. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 11: A Rude Awakening There’s an email from Steve Hayes. And you can’t understand a word of it. Oh no! It’s RFT!!!

18. The ACT Practitioner’s Journey Stage 12: Shock, Depression & Denial What the f#@% was that?!! I’m so stupid!! F#@% this RFT stuff – I’m sticking to ACT

19. Now getting back on track … ‘Community’ Latin: Cum = with, Munus = gift ‘Friend’ Old English: ‘Freond’; from ‘Freogan’ = to love, to favour

20. ACT = LOVE L = Letting go O = Opening Up V = Valuing E = Engagement

21. Two Communities Outer: the world around us Inner: the world inside us

22. Icebreaking Exercise: pt 1 • First, get into pairs • Introductions: Who are you? What do you do? Why are you here? What do you most deeply care about with regard to others? What is the biggest barrier to being with others? • 3 minutes max, per person • When the chime goes, pause; be silent; follow the instructions

23. Icebreaking Exercise: pt 2 • Now into groups of 4 – i.e.2 pairs each group • Each member of the pair introduces the other (without interruption) for 1 minute MAX – specify what they care about, and their barrier • When the chime goes, pause; be silent; follow the instructions

24. ‘Give And Take’ What do we want to get from others, and what do we want to give? Vividly recall 2 memories: a) A moment of great loneliness/yearning b) A moment of great friendship Discuss: what does this reveal about what you want to get, and what you want to give

25. ‘Give And Take’ Based on the previous exercise, write down some key values, for friendship/community: how do you want to behave & what do you want to stand for in your relationships?

26. Mindfulness & Relationships Mindfulness of the hand How did your relationship change with your hand? What is the relevance of this exercise to your closest relationships?

27. The Three Cs Caring Connection Contribution

28. The Dark Side of Caring • How do we get hurt? • How do we respond? • Why is it so hard to be with others who are hurting?

29. Morning Tea, day 1

30. Smiling Meditation Adapted from ‘Radical Acceptance’ by Tara Brach

31. Stories that isolate/separate • What stories isolate/separate you? • the role you’ve been conditioned to play? • the role you think you’re supposed to play? • the role you play to hide away? • the role you play to gain approval?

32. Barriers to intimacy Fear: of rejection, hurt, betrayal, entrapment, obligation, abandonment etc. Avoidance of ‘vulnerability’ Fusion with conceptualised self The 2 cardinal sins (according to Steve Hayes): ‘looking good’ and ‘being right’ Others?

33. Evolutionary Aspects Social needs vs social risks Vulnerability: the price of admission to intimacy Are you willing to pay? In pairs: what are you willing to make room for, in the service of intimacy?

34. Willing Vulnerability: pt 1 Accept a compliment? Speak highly of yourself? Share in pairs: your 5 best attributes/greatest qualities In the listening role, what qualities do you want to embody, knowing the speaker is vulnerable? When the chime goes, pause and follow instructions

35. Willing Vulnerability: pt 2 Share in pairs something you’re embarrassed or ashamed of – something that contradicts the qualities/attributes you identified in part 1 In the listening role, what qualities do you want to embody, knowing the speaker is vulnerable? When the chime goes, pause and follow instructions

36. Getting Practical • How can ACT help clients with ‘intimacy issues’? What are some practical interventions?

37. Afternoon tea day 1

38. Self-compassion • From Kristin Neff • 1.Mindfulness • 2.Kindness • 3.Common Humanity

39. Attachment Theory • Taken from: A Behavioural Perspective on Adult Attachment style, Intimacy, and Relationship Health – by Abigail Mansfield & James Cordova • John Bowlby-Attachment and Loss - 1969 • Attachment relationships have survival value because they keep infants close to caregivers who can provide protection

40. Bids For Nurturing • Closeness, companionship, comfort, protection, caretaking, reassurance. and sustenance • Caregiver - 3 possible responses to a bid: • Reinforcement, punishment, ignoring • Ratios of these responses lead to different attachment repertoires

41. Attachment Repertoires • High reinforcement, Low ignoring, Low punishment • ‘Secure’ • Generally positive, healthy, intimate relationships

42. Attachment Repertoires • High reinforcement, High ignoring, Low punishment • ‘Preoccupied’ • Yearn for attention • Predisposed to be clingy, fearful, jealous • Potentially dysfunctional and depressogenic

43. Attachment Repertoires • High reinforcement, Low ignoring, High punishment • ‘Anxious-Ambivalent’ • Fear, anger, desire to run away from potential nurturers; vigilant monitoring of partner • Often most at ease when alone

44. Attachment Repertoires • Various other patterns: eg ‘Fearful-Avoidant’ & ‘Avoidant-dismissive’

45. Self-compassion & Attachment • Self-compassion: positive reinforcement of your own bids for nurturing (As opposed to ignoring or punishing them) • You form a secure attachment with yourself and the ‘community within’ • Provides a foundation for secure attachment to the community outside • Intimacy with myself  intimacy with others

46. Intimacy & Acceptance • What is ‘intimacy’? • What is the ultimate form of interpersonal acceptance? • Compassion • The ultimate form of intrapersonal acceptance? • Self-compassion • How does this differ from self-esteem?

47. The Self-Esteem Trap The Power of Self-Esteem

48. True or False? • Increasing your self-esteem will improve your performance • People with high self-esteem are more likable, have better relationships, and make better impressions • People with high self-esteem make better leaders

49. ALL FALSE! Ref: The American Psychological Society Task Force on Self-esteem Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, Vohs Psychological Science in The Public Interest – Vol 4, 1st May, 2003

50. True or False? • High self-esteem correlates with egotism, narcissism, and arrogance • High self-esteem correlates with prejudice & discrimination • High self-esteem correlates with self-deception, and defensiveness when faced with honest feedback