Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends

1. Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends PattiCriswell LMSW Presenter

2. How do I Know if it’s Bullying? • Bullying is About Power • If There’s Not an Imbalance of Power, It’s Not Bullying

3. Why Kids Bully • Low Self esteem • Inflated Sense of Self

4. What Can I Do About It? • BE AN ALLY! • Being an Ally means • -standing up and speaking out • -reporting bully behavior • Don’t mind your own business! • Learn skills to deal with difficult people • “In the end, it is not the words of our enemies we remember, but the silence of our friends” - Martin Luther King

5. What KidsNeeds to Know

6. Bullying is Never OK • Making comments about others clothes, body shape or size, skin color, religion, home or family is always inappropriate. • Don’t take “bully” lessons! • Talk about the “culture” in your home—if you do right, you feel right

7. Skills and Drills For Allies • Never respond to an insult, instead respond to the act of insulting another • Keep it brief-The fewer words the better • Practice, Practice, Practice Teach The “Words to say it” to bullies *What are you doing? What is your deal? *Chill out-Stop-Knock it off-Leave her alone *That’s Rude-Lame-Cold-Harsh-Mean *Why would you say that to her? *That’s messed up! *Let’s get out of here

8. The 4 “W”s What??As if to say “What are you doing?” “What are you talking about?” Asking for clarification in a confused and slightly irritated way WHOA!As if to say “You just crossed a line!” or “I can’t believe you just said that!” surprised and a bit offended WOW…. As if to say “yikes…that’s just wrong…” or “eeesh, not cool” you’re let down and don’t respect what was said Whatever As if to say “I’m out, I’m not being a part of this” can be said as bored and slightly irritated

9. Being an Ally • Use your resources! Assess situation with a trusted adult • Brainstorm ways to support a target and respond to a bully—bring kids together! • Heads up vs. Reporting • Importance of being discreet • Telling vs. Tattling—THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!!

10. Tattling is done to make someone look badTelling is done in the service of others. Telling is done to help someone

11. Big Important Points for Parents • Reinforce difference in Tattling vs. Being and Ally • “Minding your own business” can mean ignoring injustice • It’s important to do something when you see someone being hurt—giving kidschoices • Being “nice” or “staying out of it” isn’t always the right thing to do—sometimes we need to stand up for what is right • Staying connected is the single most important thing parents can do to help

12. Could You Be a Bully? Leaders make other feel good, bullies make others feel bad, leaders retain popularity, bullies generally don’t

13. WARNING SIGNS • Betrayal of friends • Rule setting behavior • The social mediadilemma • Gossip vs. making conversation • Taking advantage of others • General disrespect • Unwanted nicknames, inside jokes

14. Misguided Messages • “Kids will be Kids” • “It was just a joke” • “It’s just part of life” • “just ignore it”** • “She’s just being too sensitive” • “It’s no big deal” • “they were asking for it” • “It’s not my problem”

15. Bully in the Backyard • Take inventory at home with Parents and Siblings—how do adults teach and model how to fight and resolve conflict? Feeling safe is key • Take the Trash OUT- monitoring media • “Making it Right” vs. “Sorry!” • Really respecting differences in others vs. lip service • Talk about what real leadership means

16. Are You Being Bullied? Is there an imbalance of power? If so, how can you restore the balance of power? What have you tried so far?

17. Never, Never, Never Suffer in Silence • Ignoring is a short term strategy only—if bullying persists, do not ignore • Avoid responding to an insult, instead respond to the act of being insulted • Find Your Voice, Use your skills (4W’s!) • Practice Self Compassion every day • Reach out, assemble your allies and use your resources • REMEMBER who you are, remember this is temporary and there are people who care about you

18. What do kids need from Parents? • To Listen –Parents need to resist taking over • Options, what’s helpful/not • Work together to negotiate a solution—Avoid assigning roles! • Assess support in and out of school • Refrain from criticism, pressure or feeling shut down doesn’t help!

19. Respond in a predictable, calm and supportive way, have faith in kid’sabilities. Empower vs. Rescue • Skills!Kids needwords to respond and to warn. Practice/role play at home • Document --Give teachers heads up, warn, and if necessary, go to school officials prepared as possible. • Look at opportunities to bring kids together, host parties and play dates, make home a safe and fun place to be • Again, avoid assigning roles! Carpet square theory

20. Work together with parents to create opportunities to feel confidentTakes risks, and try new things, reach out to new peopleStart to build new friendships through shared experiences

21. It All Counts The way in which we deal with sensitive or sticky situations matters! Learning to set boundaries without being mean is a lifelong skill and the key to healthy and long lasting relationships time, in all you do. Setting boundaries without being mean!!

22. Knowing What to Say • Always, always taking the high road Humility + Confidence = The Magic Combination • Talking about how to handle tough topics with friends in an open, supportive way. Using the “sandwich” method • You can be sensitive without being a victim • Set healthy boundaries • When we reach out to others in need, we become bullyproof

23. Questionsand Discussion Patti Criswell LMSW Child and Family Psychological Services Kalamazoo, MI Western Michigan University School of Social Work Kalamazoo, MI PattiCriswell.com Author of: A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles, What Would You Do?, Friends Making Them and Keeping Them, The Book Club Kit, and Go For It! Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends and A Smart Girl’s Guide to Knowing What to Say