Leave Me Alone! ”

1. Leave Me Alone!” Part 2: How can we improve relationships by avoiding power struggles? Insights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NC

2. Avoiding Power Struggles When triggered, troubled youth often draw helping adults into destructive power struggles by over-reacting to basic requests with anger, sarcasm, whining, or withdrawal. When staff react in kind, we feed these battles of will and ultimately damage relationships.

3. Stressful Problem Strong Feelings Impulsive Behavior Negative Consequences Conflict Cycle Negative Beliefs (about self and others) Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

4. Stress Increases Feelings Intensify Consequences Worsen Behavior Escalates Conflict Cycle Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

5. Stress Peaks Feelings Out of Control! Consequences Severe! Behavior Explosive! POW! BAM! SPLAT! FULL BLOWN CRISIS! Conflict Cycle Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

6. Let’s read about Andy’s conflict with Mr. Johnson

7. Adult Anger Traps Despite our training, there may be times when we react personally rather than respond professionally to challenging youth. A deeper understanding of our anger traps can help us defend against emotional overreactions in difficult situations, allowing us to remain clear, calm, and focused instead.

8. ANGER TRAP #1 STRESS Leftover stress from other home or work problems makes it easy to overreact angrily to a minor situation we might otherwise be able to handle. 02/16/2011

9. ANGER TRAP #2 EMBARRASSMENT We feel helpless or inadequate trying to manage a challenging situation, then turn our embarrassment to anger. 02/16/2011

10. ANGER TRAP #3 FEAR/SHOCK We feel a natural shock or fear in response to a threatening situation, then turn anxiety into anger. 02/16/2011

11. ANGER TRAP #4 VALUES VIOLATION A core value is violated by an offensive behavior, sparking feelings of deep indignation and righteous anger. VALUES VIOLATION 02/16/2011

12. ANGER TRAP #5 AUTHORITY CHALLENGE We engage in an angry power struggle to establish control or dominance over a defiant youth. 02/16/2011

13. Hot Spot Situation Write about a specific situation with a youth when your buttons were pushed. Describe the TRIGGER SITUATION only. Do not write about what you did. 02/16/2011

14. Active Listening Skills Troubled youth often have difficulty expressing themselves without aggression, avoidance, etc. One of the most powerful relationship-building tools is also the most basic:LISTENING

15. Part 3: How can we improve relationships by using listening skills with troubled youth? Insights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NC

16. Attending +Decoding +Reflecting ACTIVE LISTENING 16

17. Listening Level 1 ATTENDING Good listening is more than just waiting your turn to talk. Good listeners communicate concern and a willingness to help as much by what they DO than what they SAY. 17

18. TABLE ACTIVITY:In table groups:Complete the rating of GOOD LISTENINGversus POOR LISTENINGHABITS 18

19. Listening Level 2 DECODING Much of our real meaning is communicated non-verbally or paraverbally. Good listeners learn to read between the lines and interpret what is NOT said. 19

20. Facial expressions & body language Tone of voice/ inflection Actual words chosen 55% How is REAL MEANING communicated? 38% 7% 20

21. What emotions can you decode? • Angry • Helpless • Frustrated 21

22. What emotions can you decode? • Embarrassed • Defeated • Worried 22

23. Listening Level 3 REFLECTING Reflective listening summarizes what we hear youth saying, including a guess at their feelings. To use this technique, pay careful attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages, then briefly paraphrase what you’ve heard in your own words. 23

24. Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” Create a statement acknowledging Alicia’s feelings without trying to solve the problem. 24

25. Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” “I can see how __________ you are about _________________________.” 25

26. Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” “I can see how UPSET you are about WHAT TANISHA’S DONE.” 26

27. Reflecting Feelings “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.” Create a statement acknowledging Danny’s feelings without trying to solve the problem. 27

28. Reflecting Feelings “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.” “It sounds like you are ____________ about __________________________.” 28

29. Reflecting Feelings “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.” “It sounds like you are NERVOUS about HOW YOUR FOSTER PARENTS WILL REACT.” 29

30. Key Point #4 Key Point #4 At some level, youth in crisis WANT to tell their stories to trusted adults, but seldom say exactly what they mean. Good listeners prove they are trustworthy by truly paying attention, by decoding hidden meanings in body language and facial expressions, and by reflecting back to youth what they seem to be saying.

31. THANK YOU! Dr. Steve Parese For more information about staff training this content, email me SBParese@aol.com or visit: TACT2.com Dr. Steve Parese