Straight Guise Straight Men Having Gay Sex Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW

1. Straight Guise Straight Men Having Gay Sex Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW

2. About me: • Psychotherapy, Supervision, Long Distance Coaching • Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist and Workshop Presenter • Certified Sex Therapy (CST) • Ph.D. from Clinical Sexology

3. Why do people suffer from sexual disorientation? • Homophobia • Heterosexual Privilege • Heterosexism • Labeling and Categorizing • Religious and Societal Disbelief and Discouragement • Sexual Abuse and Trauma

4. Trauma-Based Dynamics • Trauma reenactment • Trauma play • Homosexual behavioral imprinting • early sexualization • sexual abuse (overt and covert)

5. Homophobia/Biphobia • From childhood you learn to fear, hate and disgust people who have feelings of love for member’s of one’s own gender • Learn prejudice based on personal belief that bisexuals, lesbians and gays are immoral, sick, sinful or inferior to heterosexuals • Bi/Homo-negative, Bi/Homo-prejudice, Bi/Homo-ignorant • GAY = SEX

6. Heterosexism Assumption that all people are (or should be) heterosexual. • Belief in the superiority of heterosexuality and the inferiority of homosexuality. • Subordinates homosexuality, bisexuality and anything that is NOT heterosexuality • Rights and privileges given to heterosexuals and denied to Lesbians and Gays • Example: Telling people I am Jewish

7. Heterosexual Privilege • Ability to hold hands with, kiss, put your arm around someone of the opposite gender and be safe • Enjoy legal rights such as marriage, jobs and housing. • You are out all the time.

8. Religious and Societal Disbelief and Discouragement These two Iranian teenage boys were hanged for engaging in homosexual sex with one another in Iran.

9. Children

10. Children

11. sexual orientation/identity romantic orientation sexual preferences Sexual fantasies Sexual behavior Distinctions

12. Sexual Orientation Defined • an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, affectional, and/or sexual attractions to specific gender(s) category (APA) • the organization of an individual’s eroticism and/or emotional attachment with reference to the sex and gender of their sexual partner

13. Labels and Categorizing • Heterosexual - predominant and enduring opposite-gendered sexual and/or romantic attraction and arousal • Homosexual - predominant and enduring same-gendered sexual and/or romantic attraction and arousal • Gay/Lesbian - affirmative homosexual identity construct, inclusive of romantic and spiritual affinity for same-gender • Bisexual/Biattractional - Sexual Behavior and erotic feelings toward both sexes • MSM/WSW - “men who have sex with men” (created because of HIV and AIDS) • Questioning - Someone unsure of their sexual orientation and does not know how to self-identify.

14. Kinsey Continuum • It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. The scale is as follows: Rating Description 0 Exclusively heterosexual 1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual 2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual; bisexual. 4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual 6 Exclusively homosexual

15. Lesbian & Gay Identity Awareness • Males know earlier usually by age 13 • Females identity is fluid over time and generally they know by age 19

16. Stages of coming out Lesbian/Gay Vivienne Cass Model in 1979 • IDENTITY CONFUSION • IDENTITY COMPARISON • IDENTITY TOLERANCE • IDENTITY ACCEPTANCE • IDENTITY PRIDE • IDENTITY SYNTHESIS

17. Stage 1 of Coming Out IDENTITY CONFUSION • Recognizesthoughts/ behaviors as homosexual, usually finds this unacceptable • Redefinemeaning of homosexual behavior as kinky, enjoying dirty sex, etc. • Seeksinformation on homosexuality

18. Reparative Therapy • Unwanted Same Sex Attractions • Ex-gay • NARTH • Highly Unethical

19. Stage 2 of Coming Out IDENTITY COMPARISON • Possibility s/he “might” be homosexual • Feelspositive about being different, exhibits this in ways beyond orientation • Acceptsbehavior as homosexual, rejects homosexual identity • Acceptssexual identity but inhibits sexual behavior (ex: heterosexual marriage / abstinence from same-gender sex)

20. Stage 3 of Coming Out IDENTITY TOLERANCE • Acceptsprobability of being homosexual, recognizes sexual / social / emotional needs of being homosexual. • Seeksout meeting other Gay / Lesbian people through groups, bars, etc. • Personalexperience builds sense of community; positively and negatively

21. Stage 4 of Coming Out IDENTITY ACCEPTANCE Accepts(vs. tolerates) homosexual self - image and has increased contact with Gay/ Lesbian subculture and less with heterosexuals. • Increasedanger toward anti-gay society • Greaterself - acceptance as Gay & Lesbian

22. Stage 5 of Coming Out IDENTITY PRIDE • Immersedin Gay / Lesbian subculture, less interaction with heterosexuals. Views world divided as "gay" or "not gay". • Confrontationwith heterosexual establishment • Disclosureto family, co-workers • GAY ADOLESCENCE • Lookslike sex addict here but not.

23. Stage 6 of Coming Out IDENTITY SYNTHESIS • Gay / Lesbianidentity integrated with other aspects. • Recognizessupportive heterosexual others • Sexual identitystill important but not primary factor in relationships with others

24. Bisexual Identity Awareness Bisexual women experience first heterosexual attractions and behaviors before their first homosexual sexual attractions and behaviors. Bisexual men experience their first homosexual attractions and behaviors earlier or at about the same ages as their first heterosexual behavior. Females move toward bisexual identity more quickly than males who usually have heterosexual and homosexual behaviors concurrently and over a longer period of time. (D’Augelli and Patterson)

25. Bisexuality • a person's potential for responding with sexual arousal to persons of a specific sex • sexual fantasies, attachments and longings toward both genders • the direction of one's sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes

26. Bisexual • Bi now, gay later! • Really closeted gay men and women • Passing • Heteroflexible • Bromance • Man Crush • Bi-attractional • Bicurious

27. Stages of coming out Bisexual M.S. Weinberg • Initial Confusion -No visible bisexual community -Biphobia and homophobia • Finding and Applying a Label -Am I just kinky? • Settling into the identity -Few seem to ever do this -many ongoing doubts • Continued Uncertainty

28. Bisexual • legitimate orientation (continuum) • bisexual orientation can be experienced as fluid not static • bisexual orientation is seen as stable to both, two distinct gender categories

29. Bisexual • Fritz Klein wrote: “Sexual Behavior and erotic feelings toward both sexes define the bisexual only, while intimacy is found in all kinds of human relations.” Myth that Bisexuals cannot be and don’t want to be monogamous

30. AFFECTION (Male vs. Female) • Engaging in affectionate behavior carries sociological risks for males more than females. • When men decide to display affection or have sex with a same-gender partner, they’re often stigmatized; • While all-female flirtation is sexualized in the media by “Girls Gone Wild,” Howard Stern, and magazines like Maxim and Playboy, all-male sex has ramifications. • If a man has sexual contact with another man, he is thought of as gay. Instead, and wrongly, a man’s sexual behavior inherently reflects his identity.

31. Hazing • Lyndhurst H.S. (N.J.)Football At a football camp in Pennsylvania, one sophomore was allegedly forced to insert his finger into the anus of another sophomore while 20 to 30 other teammates looked on. Two upperclassmen were dismissed from the team, and two others were demoted on the squad as a result of a school inquiry into the matter. No coaches were disciplined. • ______________________________________ The hazing detailed in the school and police investigation included restraining students by holding down their arms and legs, slapping victims' stomachs to cause the skin to turn pink, applying pressure to the victim's rectal area through their clothes using thumbs or fingers -- on one occasion, a toothbrush was used to apply pressure. The allegations also included pulling down the perpetrators' pants and putting their rear ends in the face of victims, and using their hands in the victim's genital areas. Investigators say a boy and four other members of Coopersville High School's junior varsity team slapped a teammate, rubbed his private areas, and put their body parts in his face.

32. Women who have sex with women (WSW) Lisa Diamond, Ph.D., a Harvard University Professor of Psychology and Gender Studies, wrote a book called, “Sexual Fluidity” March, 2009 issue of “O” is about women who have sex with women who are not necessarily gay. Diamond is quoted as saying, “ Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something a woman can control.”

33. Women who have sex with women (WSW) Women tend to have sex with other women based on: Emotional Preference: Emotions influence, if not define, the actual physical act of love. Political Identity: Some people describe their relationship to the rest of society differently than their personal sexual identity. For instance, a woman may have a heterosexual sexual identity, but a lesbian political identity. A situation where, perhaps, her male partner is encouraging her to watch her have sex with another woman.

34. Mostly Straight Men • New York Times (June 4, 2010): “Professor Savin-Williams [of Cornell University] says that his current research reveals that the fast-growing group along the sexuality continuum are men who self-identify as “mostly straight” as opposed to labels like ‘straight,’‘gay’ or ‘bisexual.’ They acknowledge some level of attraction to other men even as they say that they probably wouldn’t act on it …”

35. Men who have sex with men (MSM) • This term comes from the HIV epidemic where men were having sex with other men and not identifying as gay. • On the DL (Down Low)

36. Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men (SMSM) Straight men who have sex with other men do so not based on the guy or the image of the guy. Rather, they are turned on by the sexual act with the guy. In other words, the guy is irrelevant, the sex act and release is the turn on.

37. Categories of why men have sex with men (MSM) Openly Gay Closeted homosexual Hetero-Emotional and Homo-Sexual Men Bisexual Sex in Prison Humiliation Power and Control BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism & Masochism) Fetishism/Partialism (penis, foot, spit, muscle, etc.) Sexual Survival: living on the streets Financial Domination

38. Categories of men have sex with men (MSM) Homosexual Imprinting Men who are sex workers/male escorts Sex for Money Men seeking intensely arousing but shameful experiences First Sexual Experience Availability/Opportunity Father Hunger Narcissism Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity Cuckolds Exhibitionists Hazing continued on next slide…..

39. Why men have sex with men (MSM) • Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD): • This is not a formal diagnosis and is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the individual is preoccupied about being homosexual when, in fact, they are heterosexual. They experience intrusive thoughts that they might be homosexual and feel compelled to engage in certain behaviors that make them think they are gay when in truth they are straight.

40. HETERO-EMOTIONAL & HOMO-SEXUAL • Thiswould be a person who self-identifies a heterosexual (straight) • This person would be heterosexually interested romantically and otherwise in opposite gender • Sexualattraction to same-gender is often mistaken as gay or about homosexuality

41. Treatment • Desire is for the sexual act--not the man. • BEACH TEST

42. Criteria to differentiate straight men from gay/bisexual men • Youthful Noticing • Homophobia • Beach Test • Who Do you Want To Wake Next To In The Morning?

43. A man sexually acting out homosexually may be a result of a few things • Repressed homosexual feelings too shameful to accept • Beginningstages of coming out (Stages 1 or 2) • A manre-enacting historic sexual abuse by male perpetrator (Homosexual Behavioral Imprinting) • Progressedsexual addiction where the levels and risks have increased • Stage 5 of coming out where a Gay man is living out his postponed adolescence and the sexual behaviors appear obsessional and frequent but mirror that of a teenager.

44. AROUSAL TEMPLATE • Each of us has an arousal template • This templates builds on preferences • Embeds what we learn and are told about sex and manifests into our sexual belief system and our sex and love maps

45. Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity • “Tell me how you were loved as a child and I will tell you how you make love as an adult.”

46. Core Sexual Scripts • Arousal Template • What turns the client on sexually • Here is where the details are very important. • You cannot be shy about asking or hearing the sexual activity.

47. EROTIC INTELLIGENCE • Sex becomes men’s way of being affectionate not just with women but with other men. There is no other way other than sports, drinking, drugging, fraternity and working to have male bonding. • Eroticizing male-male interaction allows for touch and intimacy with another man using eroticism as the bond.

48. EROTIC INTELLIGENCE • Erotic Intelligence/Arousal template reveals a man’s identity • Embedded in people’s sexual fantasies and desires is a person’s core identity. Fantasies reveal important information about people. • They are to be interpreted like dreams. The facts and things that go on are symbols and metaphors. • The story line is extremely important to the person’s sexual desires and fantasies. • Ignore no details

49. AROUSAL: Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael Bader • Your sexualfantasies are a result of your psychological makeup. • “The details of the fantasy sometimes offer clues” into that persons childhood or history.

50. Male Rape • Men have fantasies and desires to rape other men to show dominance • Erotic rage toward other males. Angry at fathers who might have abused them. • Victim turns into victor.