Different causes and Crisis in family matters

1. Different causes and Crisis in family matters Reason is either both couples or one of them: Divine punishment Difference in religion or sects Psychological elements Not abiding with clause of marriage Discovery of an ailment in spouse Reason for crisis are others (parents) Parents Others

6. God has devised laws for everything • Laws exceed from before birth until after death • There are about four thousand laws pertaining to ṣalāt • قال الصادق (ع): للصلاة اربعۃ آلاف حدود (الفروع من الکافی، ج۲ ص ۲۷۲) • ZurarahibnAyun narrates: Once I said to Imam Sadiq (as) that I have been asking about Hajj related issues for almost forty years and you keep answering them. Imam replied: Sacred center which has existed two thousand years prior to the existence of Adam, you want its laws to end in forty years? • یا زرارۃ بیتٌ حُجَّ الیہ قبل آدمَ بالفَی عام ترید ان تفنیَ مسائلُہ فی اربعین عاما (وسائل الشیعۃ ج ۱۱ ص ۱۲) • For eating there are more than one hundred laws in Islam • For sleeping there are more than thirty recommendations • Going to washroom there are about thirty laws.

7. Reason is either both couples or one of them:Divine punishment • عَنْ عُمَرَ بْنِ قَيْسٍ عَنْ أَبِي جَعْفَرٍ ع قَالَ سَمِعْتُهُ يَقُولُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ تَبَارَكَ وَ تَعَالَى لَمْ يَدَعْ شَيْئاً يَحْتَاجُ إِلَيْهِ الْأُمَّةُ إِلَّا أَنْزَلَهُ فِي كِتَابِهِ وَ بَيَّنَهُ لِرَسُولِهِ ص وَ جَعَلَ لِكُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ حَدّاً وَ جَعَلَ عَلَيْهِ دَلِيلًا يَدُلُّ عَلَيْهِ وَ جَعَلَ عَلَى مَنْ تَعَدَّى ذَلِكَ الْحَدَّ حَدّا (الكافي ج‏1 ص59) • Person by the name UmaribnQays said I heard Imam Baqir (as) mention: Allah has not left out anything unaddressed which is a necessity for the people. It is either mentioned in Quran or explained through His Messenger. He has explained the limits of everything and mentioned its reasoning. Moreover, He has mentioned the punishment for those who transgress these limits. • According to Quran sin (ذنب) means that which has repercussion. • A sinner thinks after his sin he is done, but according to Awliya Allah, with sin start the evil consequences which sometimes affect that person, his family, his society and continues in Hereafter. • Some sins have worldly punishments along with after Resurrection.

8. Sins that result in the wrath of the Hereafter • Not keeping up with prayers • Not paying poor rate (khums & Zakat) • Causing corruption in society • كُلُّ نَفْسٍ بِمَا كَسَبَتْ رَهِينَةٌ ﴿٣٨﴾ إِلَّا أَصْحَابَ الْيَمِينِ ﴿٣٩﴾ فِي جَنَّاتٍ يَتَسَاءَلُونَ ﴿٤٠﴾ عَنِ الْمُجْرِمِينَ ﴿٤١﴾ مَا سَلَكَكُمْ فِي سَقَرَ ﴿٤٢﴾ قَالُوا لَمْ نَكُ مِنَ الْمُصَلِّينَ ﴿٤٣﴾ وَلَمْ نَكُ نُطْعِمُ الْمِسْكِينَ ﴿٤٤﴾ وَكُنَّا نَخُوضُ مَعَ الْخَائِضِينَ (مدثر) • About the criminals, (41) [And asking them], "What put you into Saqar?" (42) They will say, "We were not of those who prayed, (43) Nor did we used to feed the poor. (44) And we used to enter into vain discourse with those who engaged [in it], 4. Killing a soul [except when it’s permissible and done for justice] وَمَنْ يَقْتُلْ مُؤْمِنًا مُتَعَمِّدًا فَجَزَاؤُهُ جَهَنَّمُ خَالِدًا فِيهَا (نساء 93) • But whoever kills a believer intentionally - his recompense is Hell

9. Sins that result in the wrath of the Hereafter 5. Usurping the wealth of an orphan • إِنَّ الَّذِينَ يَأْكُلُونَ أَمْوَالَ الْيَتَامَىٰ ظُلْمًا إِنَّمَا يَأْكُلُونَ فِي بُطُونِهِمْ نَارًا ۖ وَسَيَصْلَوْنَ سَعِيرًا (نساء 10) • Indeed, those who devour the property of orphans unjustly are only consuming into their bellies fire. And they will be burned in a Blaze. 6. Consuming interest • الَّذِينَ يَأْكُلُونَ الرِّبَا لَا يَقُومُونَ إِلَّا كَمَا يَقُومُ الَّذِي يَتَخَبَّطُهُ الشَّيْطَانُ مِنَ الْمَسِّ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ بِأَنَّهُمْ قَالُوا إِنَّمَا الْبَيْعُ مِثْلُ الرِّبَا ۗ …..وَمَنْ عَادَ فَأُولَـٰئِكَ أَصْحَابُ النَّارِ ۖ هُمْ فِيهَا خَالِدُونَ • Those who consume interest cannot stand [on the Day of Resurrection] except as one stands who is being beaten by Satan into insanity….But whoever returns to [dealing in interest or usury] - those are the companions of the Fire; they will abide eternally therein. (2:275) 7. Committing Adultery (SurahFurqan 68-70)

10. Some intangible worldly punishments 1. Age of person is decreased (No Qiyas) قال الصادق (ع): من يموت بالذنوب اکثر ممن یموت بالآجال و من یعیش بالاحسان اکثر ممن یعیش بالاعمار • People who die early because of their sins are more than those who die of natural death, and people who because of their good deeds live longer are more than those whose long life was predestined. • Imam told a person who was walking ahead of his father and had his hands on his shoulder, that: لا تمشیَنَّ امام ابیک، لا تجلس قبلہ، لا تدعہ باسمہ • Allah just took thirty years from your life 2. Tawfiqat (some good omens are taken away) امام صادق ؑ : انّ الرجل لَیُذنِبُ الذَّنبَ فَیُحرمُ صلاۃَ اللیل 3. Insan is unable to taste the pleasure of worship/prayers • خدا بہ حضرت داود (ع) وحی کرد: انّ اھونَ ما انا صانعٌ بعالم غیر عاملٍ بعلمہ اشدُّ من سبعین عُقُوبۃً ان اُخرجَ من قلبہ حلاوۃَ ذکری۔

11. Some tangible worldly punishments • Some sins decrease sustenance (روزی) • One who taunts others will be taunted back قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ص لَا تُظْهِرِ الشَّمَاتَةَ بِأَخِيكَ فَيَرْحَمَهُ اللَّهُ وَ يَبْتَلِيَك‏ Do not taunt anyone for their work because Allah will give excuse him from that and give it to you.

12. Unlawful relationship before marriage • Good people are attracted by good people الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ ۖ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ (نور ۲۶) • Indecent woman are for indecent men and indecent men are for indecent woman. Decent women are for decent men and decent men are for decent women. • الزَّانِي لَا يَنكِحُ إِلَّا زَانِيَةً أَوْ مُشْرِكَةً وَالزَّانِيَةُ لَا يَنكِحُهَا إِلَّا زَانٍ أَوْ مُشْرِكٌ ۚ وَحُرِّمَ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ (نور ۳) • No one should marry a fornicator except a fornicatress or a pagan woman. No one should marry a fornicatress except a fornicator or a pagan man. Such (marriage) is unlawful to the believers.

13. Here we run into a question about the marriage of Prophet Lut and Nuh, why did they marry such women? • ضَرَبَ اللَّـهُ مَثَلًا لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا امْرَأَتَ نُوحٍ وَامْرَأَتَ لُوطٍ ۖ كَانَتَا تَحْتَ عَبْدَيْنِ مِنْ عِبَادِنَاصَالِحَيْنِ فَخَانَتَاهُمَا فَلَمْ يُغْنِيَا عَنْهُمَا مِنَ اللَّـهِ شَيْئًا وَقِيلَ ادْخُلَا النَّارَ مَعَ الدَّاخِلِينَ • God has told the disbelievers the story of the wives of Noah and Lot as a parable. They were married to two of Our righteous servants but were unfaithful to them. Nothing could protect them from the (wrath) of God and they were told to enter hell fire with the others. (Tehrim 10) • Here its obvious that these two wives were not unfaithful from the point of illegal relationship, rather they spied on their husband and worked in the favor of unbelievers. • وَضَرَبَ اللَّـهُ مَثَلًا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا امْرَأَتَ فِرْعَوْنَ إِذْ قَالَتْ رَبِّ ابْنِ لِي عِندَكَ بَيْتًا فِي الْجَنَّةِ وَنَجِّنِي مِن فِرْعَوْنَ وَعَمَلِهِ وَنَجِّنِي مِنَ الْقَوْمِ الظَّالِمِينَ • To the believers, as a parable, God has told the story of the wife of the Pharaoh who said, "Lord, establish for me a house in Paradise in your presence. Rescue me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the unjust people. • Whereas wife of Firon didn’t accept Moses at the time she married Firon, actually Musa wasn’t even born at that time, later she brought Iman in him.

14. Some sexual deviations • Self gratification • ناکح البھیمۃ(involves animal) • لواطsame sex marriage • زناAdultery • Some elements which drag Insan towards sexual deviations 1. Dealing with haram music (listening, playing) • قال الرسول (ص): الغناء رُقیۃ الزنا۔dealing with haram music leads to adultery 2. Thinking about unlawful sexual desires • فقال عیسیٰ بن مریم إن موسى نبي الله ع أمركم أن لا تزنوا و أنا آمركم أن لا تحدثوا أنفسكم بالزنا فضلا عن أن تزنوا فإن من حدث نفسه بالزنا كان كمن أوقد في بيت مزوق فأفسد التزاويق الدخان و إن لم يحترق البيت (بحار الانوار ۱۴، ۳۳۱) • Its like building a fire in a house painted white, even if he doesn’t burn the house least it will affect the white paint.

15. 3. خلوت با نامحرم Being alone with non-Mehram 4. Looking at non-Mehram and watching indecent movies • قال علیؑ : العین برید القلب • بریدin Arabic literally means mailman/postman, here it does the job of a spy, transferring information. • عیسی بن مریم (ع): وَ إِيَّاكُمْ وَ النَّظْرَةَ فَإِنَّهَا تَزْرَعُ فِي قَلْبِ صَاحِبِهَا الشَّهْوَةَ وَ كَفَى بِهَا لِصَاحِبِهَا فِتْنَة • Beware of looking at non-mehram as it plants a seed in the heart, which paves the path for corruption • امام صادق (ع): النَّظَرُ سَهْمٌ مِنْ سِهَامِ إِبْلِيسَ مَسْمُومٌ وَ كَمْ مِنْ نَظْرَةٍ أَوْرَثَتْ حَسْرَةً طَوِيلَة • A stare is an arrow from the arrows of Iblees thrown towards you, a stare which will be followed by a long grief. • امام علی: لَيْسَ فِي الْبَدَنِ شَيْ‏ءٌ أَقَلَّ شُكْراً مِنَ الْعَيْنِ فَلَا تُعْطُوهَا سُؤْلَهَا فَتَشْغَلَكُمْ عَنْ ذِكْرِ اللَّهِ عَزَّ وَ جَل‏ • Nothing is more greedy and thankless than the eyes among organs, therefore beware and not fulfill all of its requests. It will derive you away from the remembrance of Allah.

16. Some related issues

17. Mixed gathering

18. Difference in religion or sects • A Muslim woman cannot marry an unbeliever regardless if that person is AhleKitab, apostate (Fitri or Milli)

19. Differences for not adhering to the religion

20. Psychological elements: Carnal Desires • Illicit relationships before marriage • Lack of piety after marriage in controlling carnal desire • Some causes of decreased carnal desires: • Economic issues: Financial problems, unemployment, overtime all result in destabilizing healthy relationship between husband and wife. Fear and anxiety make their way in the house because of financial insecurity. As a result spouses become aggressive towards each other. • Physical and mental fatigue • Negative thoughts • Being Unfaithful • Fear and debate over having children

21. Nerveless and ill-fitting honor What is غیرت? • Allah has given us a power called anger. Which can react in different places where it should defend from that which should be defended. Reaction to this defense in specific matters is calledغیرتin religion. Levels and stages of غیرت • غیرت خاص (Specific honor): Anger in places where honor ناموس is at stake, Allah as given this power to the people so that relations are preserved. • غیرت عام (Common honor): Getting angry for everything which belongs to him. Defense from wealth, honor, life, city, boundary… • غیرت عام تر: Aside from the abovementioned, becoming angry for the loss of others, others’ rights, religious rulings. Defending the rights of weak and oppressed.

22. Example of غیرتfrom honorable people: • کانت زینب اذا ارادت الخروج لزیارۃ جدّھا رسول اللہ ﷺ تخرج لیلا والحسن عن یمینھا والحسین عن شمالھا و امیر المومنین امامھا فاذا قرُبت من القبر الشریف سبقھا امیر المومنین فاخمد ضوء القنادیل فسألُہُ الحسن مرّۃ عن ذلک فقال اخشی ان ینظر احدٌ الی شخص زینب Q: If Imam Ali was so brave and با غیرت why did he allow people to enter his house by force, and in result Hazrat Fatima got injured? A: Although Allah says: لا تلقوا بایدیکم الی التھلکۃ and protecting ones life is wajib, but if another wajib which is more important—protecting the religion—it must be given priority. • Dispraising lack of honor: • رسول اللہ ﷺ : الغیرۃ من الایمان و المذاء من النفاق • غیرت علامت ایمان ہے، اور بے غیرتی علامت نفاق • Effects of ill-fitting honor بی غیرتی • Imam Sadiq (as): A house in which haram music is played for forty days, religious honor and respect from the household is taken away.

23. رَسُولِ اللَّهِ ص أَنَّهُ قَالَ الْغَيْرَةُ مِنَ الْإِيمَانِ وَ أَيُّمَا رَجُلٍ أَحَسَّ بِشَيْ‏ءٍ مِنَ الْفُجُورِ فِي أَهْلِهِ وَ لَمْ يُغَيِّرْهُ بَعَثَ اللَّهُ إِلَيْهِ بِطَائِرٍ يَظَلُّ أَرْبَعِينَ صَبَاحاً يَقُولُ لَهُ كُلَّمَا دَخَلَ وَ خَرَجَ غَيِّرْ فَإِنْ لَمْ يَفْعَلْ مَسَحَ بِجَنَاحِهِ عَلَى عَيْنَيْهِ فَإِنْ رَأَى حَسَناً لَمْ يَرَهُ وَ إِنْ رَأَى قَبِيحاً لَمْ يُنْكِرْهُ • Anyone who feels a misconduct in his family and does not address it, Allah sends down different means by which he is given indication to correct that for forty days. Even after that he doesn’t understand and does nothing to change it, his eyes can no longer see good and evil doesn’t seem bad to him. • Places where غیرت is not needed: • In relation to things that are Halal • Ahkam of Defense: • Defending ones wealth • Defending ones soul • Defending ones prestige and honor

24. احکام دین ناموس الھیٰ ھستند • قال رسول اللہ: ان سعدا لغیور وانا اغیر من سعد واللہ اغیر منی • اگر انسان بر ضد نوامیسی که خدا قرار داده عمل کند هتک ناموس الهی کرده‏ است. وقتی انسان هتک ناموس الهی بکند، چنانکه هر غیوری وقتی که‏ ناموسش هتک می‏شود عکس العمل شدید نشان می‏دهد خدا هم عکس العمل شدید نشان می‏دهد. • Everyone protects their عزت and honor • Nobody reproaches the Gardner who puts barbwire and thornes around his garden. • Nobody—out of freedom—leaves the door of their house open all night long. • No treasurer leaves his treasure without protection. • Everything which has more value, requires more protection. • Everything which is delicate , is prone to theft.

25. Is it not that antique art hanging on the walls of a museum always says: “do not touch”? • All of these laws and commands are result of sound intellect, and experience. • If you leave a bottle of perfume open it will be gone soon. • If you don’t put your valuables in a box and lock it and keep it away from non-Mehram’s eyes, it might get stolen. • If you don’t put a net in front of the window, unwanted bugs would fly in the house. When you close the entrance of these insects you have protected yourself, not limited or imprisoned. • When you put a barrier or veil in front of your house or room, you have protected your house from the view of non-Mehram, it doesn’t mean you have confined yourself.

26. يَا نِسَاءَ النَّبِيِّ لَسْتُنَّ كَأَحَدٍ مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ ۚ إِنِ اتَّقَيْتُنَّ فَلَا تَخْضَعْنَ بِالْقَوْلِ فَيَطْمَعَ الَّذِي فِي قَلْبِهِ مَرَضٌ وَقُلْنَ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا • Quran also orders us: “Wives of the Prophet, you are not like other women. If you have fear of God, do not be tender in your speech lest people whose hearts are sick may lust after you.” • If you keep yourself protected from dangers, hide yourself from the eyes of onlookers, no one should question you, why? And if they do, then you know what they are saying is illogical. • People say: “Ones heart should be clean” دل پاک ہونا چاہیے is only an excuse to cover up for لا قیدی or lawlessness. From the pure heart nothing but pure should sprout out. بقول شاعر:ھر شاخہ کہ از باغ، برون آرد سردر میوہ ی آن طمع کند راھگذر

27. What isقذف? • It means to blame someone for adultery or sodomy • Punishment for the person doing قذف—man or woman—80 lashes. • Even if someone slanders a dead person, the same ruling will apply. • قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ص مَنْ قَذَفَ امْرَأَتَهُ بِالزِّنَا خَرَجَ مِنْ حَسَنَاتِهِ كَمَا تَخْرُجُ الْحَيَّةُ مِنْ جِلْدِهَا وَ كُتِبَ لَهُ بِكُلِّ شَعْرَةٍ عَلَى بَدَنِهِ أَلْفُ خَطِيئَةٍ (بحار الانوار ج ۱۰۰ ص ۲۴۸) • Whoever associates lies of adultery towards his wife, his own good deeds are removed from him, like a snake coming out of his skin, all the actions are dissolved and for every hair he has on his body one thousand sins are written down for him. • If a person sets a dowry without the intention of paying it, according to a Hadith by Prophet he commits زنا every • How to treat ill thoughts about family members?

28. عورت کی غیرت سے کیا مراد ہے؟ معمولا حسادت۔ • A wife wouldn’t stand husband seeking another wife due to jealousy. • امام صادقؑ: لَيْسَ الْغَيْرَةُ إِلَّا لِلرِّجَالِ وَ أَمَّا النِّسَاءُ فَإِنَّمَا ذَلِكَ مِنْهُنَّ حَسَدٌ وَ الْغَيْرَةُ لِلرِّجَالِ وَ لِذَلِكَ حَرَّمَ اللَّهُ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ إِلَّا زَوْجَهَا وَ أَحَلَّ لِلرِّجَالِ أَرْبَعاً وَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ أَكْرَمُ أَنْ يَبْتَلِيَهُنَّ بِالْغَيْرَةِ وَ يُحِلَّ لِلرِّجَالِ مَعَهَا ثَلَاثاً (الفروع من الکافی، ج۵ ص ۵۰۴) • غیرتin the meaning of protecting ones honor is wajib, but what women seek to prevent their husbands from remarriage is not غیرت rather its jealousy. The reason why a woman can only have one husband at a time, while a man take up to four wives (with conditions). Allah has made this halal for him. Allah is above that He makes a woman غیرتمند in this regard which is allowed for the husband. Q: Can a woman stipulate in the contract to prevent husband for remarriage? A: She can sacrifice her dowry and make a condition that husband will not remarry (while married to her) or will seek permission before doing so and it will be correct if they mutually agree to it.* * All Maraje agree to this, some says Ihtiyat-e-wajib some say wajib to adhere with this stipulation.

29. Does Quran mention more than one wife for the men? • وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَىٰ فَانكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَاثَ وَرُبَاعَ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً (نساء ۳) • “And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one” • This verse of Quran gives permission along with restriction of justice. • وَلَن تَسْتَطِيعُوا أَن تَعْدِلُوا بَيْنَ النِّسَاءِ وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ (نساء ۱۲۹) • You will never be able to maintain justice among your wives and love them all equally, no matter how hard you try. • Permission for up to four wives is a general law, in some instances it was required, like after wars when a lot of men would lose their lives, their widows were left without protection, Islam gave this permission of more than one wife to protect them and provide shelter for them.

30. اور اس چیز کو ہاتھ سے نکلنے نہ دیا جائے اور سوء استفادہ سے روکا جائے تو فرمادیا: اعدلو عدل سے کام لو، پھر کہا لن تستطیعوا ۱۔ اس لیے کہ تم نان و نفقہ میں تو اعتدال کرسکتے ہو(مادی ضروریات) ۲۔ مگر علاقہ و محبت میں نہیں اور نا ممکن ہے (معنویات)، مثلا پہلی بیوی عمر میں زیادہ اس سے محبت الگ، ایک جوان اس سے الگ۔۔۔ ۳۔ مسلمانوں نے خواتین پر ظلم کیے، اور پھر اسکی ذمہ داری اسلام پر ڈال دی، تاکہ وہ بدنامی سے بچ جائیں۔ • رَسُولِ اللَّهِ ص أَنَّهُ قَالَ كُتِبَ الْجِهَادُ عَلَى رِجَالِ أُمَّتِي وَ الْغَيْرَةُ عَلَى نِسَائِهَا فَمَنْ صَبَرَتْ مِنْهُنَّ وَ احْتَسَبَتْ أَعْطَاهَا اللَّهُ أَجْرَ شَهِيد • Allah made Jihad wajib on men of my Ummat andغیرتon their women, whoever among them shows patience in regards to this غیرتand leave this matter with Allah, He will give her the rewards of a Martyr. • عَنْ أَبِي جَعْفَرٍ ع قَالَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَزَّ وَ جَلَّ كَتَبَ عَلَى الرِّجَالِ الْجِهَادَ وَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ الْجِهَادَ فَجِهَادُ الرَّجُلِ أَنْ يَبْذُلَ مَالَهُ وَ دَمَهُ حَتَّى يُقْتَلَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ عَزَّ وَ جَلَّ وَ جِهَادُ الْمَرْأَةِ أَنْ تَصْبِرَ عَلَى مَا تَرَى مِنْ أَذَى زَوْجِهَا وَ غَيْرَتِه‏ • Jihad of a woman is to be patience in front of the problems of the house and husband. Making a living with a spouse who has a good income, who is خوش اخلاق, who know their duties is not a skill, rather it is an accomplishment to make a living with the one who lacks all of these.

31. 4. Not abiding with clause of marriage Q: What is تدلیس? A: It is when man or woman is described in disguise. For example not mentioning some of the defects or mentioning things which this person doesn’t possess. Like saying the boy is a doctor or engineer but really isn’t. And if they hadn’t mentioned these things the marriage would’ve never taken place. Q: What is the ruling on tadlis? A: If tadlis is to cover up some physical defects, the contract can be revoked, the other party has the right to end the contract. Q: If a person marries a widow and later finds out that she faints quite often, and he wasn’t told of her condition, does that count as tadlis? A: It is not considered tadlis if the defect is not mentioned, but rather covered when asked about.

32. Q: Before marriage the boy asked about the girl if there is any defects, he is told the girl is perfectly allright and rather beautiful. Later finds out that girl is cross-eyed, and he wanted a religious/hijabi girl, where this girl doesn’t practice all this, does he have the right to revoke the marriage? A: Contract is correct, but if there was a prior condition stipulated for no defects, and later defects are present, then husband has the right to revoke. • Prior to any relationship, dowry is upheld, afterwards he must pay all the dowry. In divorce prior to relationship, half dowry is paid, after, all is due. Q: Prior to marriage a boy does tadlis by lying about being a doctor or an engineer (or any other specific profession) and knows that girl agreed for marriage because of it and without it she wouldn’t have married him, does the girl have the right to revoke this marriage? A: If there was a precondition in marriage contract about being in a specific profession, or contract is based on this condition, than girl does have the right to revoke. Before any relationship she revokes, no dowry, but after relationship, husband must pay dowry.

33. 5. Discovery of an ailment or defect in spouse • If the following defects are present in woman, husband has the right to revoke the marriage. • Insanity (جنون) even if it is intermittent. • if a person was insane prior to marriage then husband has the right to revoke, but if the wife becomes insane after marriage, he doesn’t have the right t revoke. • Leprosy : Tropical skin and nerve disease • Blindness: Here it means blind from both eyes, so if a person can see from one eye or has an illness where she can’t see at night time only, it will not have the same ruling • Being crippled, even if it is not to the extent of immobility. • Presence of flesh or a bone in the woman's uterus, which may or may not obstruct sexual intercourse or pregnancy. And if the husband finds that the wife at the time of Nikah, suffered from 'Ifdha' - meaning that her urinary and menstrual tract have been one, or her menstrual passage and rectum have been one, he cannot annul the marriage. As an obligatory precaution, he will have to pronounce talaq if he wants to dissolve the marriage. • As some of these things might be treatable, if the woman goes ahead with her own expense for the treatment, right of revoke is dissolved.

34. If the following defects are present in a man, wife has the right to revoke the marriage, according to all Maraje. • Absence of certain organs • Impotent • Right to revoke according to majority of Maraje: • Insanity • Leprosy • Blindness • If above conditions were pre existing, then woman has the right to revoke, after marriage, she doesn’t have the right to revoke. • Important points in regards to the right of revoking: • Choice of revoking is immediate for both man and woman, therefore, if they don’t revoke it immediately, Aqd becomes lazim. Of course not knowing is an excuse (for it being immediate) and the right remains. • Same rules apply for temporary marriage.

35. In following cases neither has the right to revoke: • Epilepsy (Seizures) • اغماء Fainting • عقیمBarren/infertile • Addiction • Hiding real age Q: If a girl lied about her real age and mentioned she is five years younger than her actual age, and later husband finds out, does he have the right to revoke? A: In this quantity, husband doesn’t have the right to revoke, and if he divorces before any relationship dowry is half.

36. Reason for crisis are others • Reasons when parents have become the cause of crisis and differences (while being well-wishers) • Marriage at early age: • ھشام عن امام صادقؑ: قِيلَ لَهُ إِنَّا نُزَوِّجُ صِبْيَانَنَا وَ هُمْ صِغَارٌ فَقَالَ إِذَا زُوِّجُوا وَ هُمْ صِغَارٌ لَمْ يَكَادُوا أَنْ يَأْتَلِفُوا (وسائل الشیعۃ، ج ۲۰، ص ۱۰۴) • if we marry our kids at young age is that a good thing? Imam replied: Anytime this takes place there will be less attraction between them, because they didn’t take this decision themselves. • Marriage of kid prior to their bulugh is makruh Q: Does Islam permit the marriage of a girl at age nine and boys at age 15? A: Nine and fifteen is merely the year when they become baligh, and it doesn’t have to be the age when they must get married. • Bulugh has four levels: • In the meaning of taklif, where one must obsevewajib and haram • In the meaning of getting ready for fasts, as long as it doesn’t harm them • Bulugh for marriage, when a girl has exceeded in her bodily growth and to safeguard from any indecency • For financial reasons, so that it doesn’t get usurped.

37. What is the ruling on a marriage in which a father gave his two-year old into marriage with someone , if the daughter after bulugh disagrees and says, “I do not accept this marriage”? A: If that marriage was in the interest of the daughter, then she should accept it. But if it was not (which is usually the case these days) this marriage has no value. • Imposed Marriage • عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللَّهِ ع قَالَ قُلْتُ لَهُ إِنِّي أُرِيدُ أَنْ أَتَزَوَّجَ امْرَأَةً وَ إِنَّ أَبَوَيَّ أَرَادَا غَيْرَهَا قَالَ تَزَوَّجِ الَّتِي هَوِيتَ وَ دَعِ الَّتِي يَهْوَى أَبَوَاكَ (الفروع من الکافی، ج۵ ، ص ۴۰۱) • A person said to Imam Sadiq (as) that I want to marry a girl but my parents want me to marry someone of their choice, what is my duty? Imam replied: marry the one you want to and leave the one your parents chose for you. • Because when you marry someone whom you don’t like from the beginning it will be a great challenge to make this marriage prosper, and wouldn’t be without hardships. Note: This right should not be misused and make one careless of parents’ choice, usually they are doing it for your good, so respect their choice and even if you disagree turn it down with respect.  What is the ruling on a marriage taking place with the permission of mother without the consent of son? A: Criterion for the contract to be correct is the consent of the son and not mother.

38. Some parents make a nadhr (covenant) to give their daughter to a Sayyid, what is the ruling on that? A: Parents do not have the right to make any nadhr for their children. Even if the children make this nadhr by themselves and later regret it, their nadhr has no value. B: Reasons when parents have become the cause of crisis and differences (while not being well-wishers) • A father gives his word to a 39 year old man to marry his 12 year old daughter with him. Father took some money too, now at the time of marriage the daughter disagrees, but the father forces her and threatens her to get married, and the person performing the marriage recites the contract under pressure, and daughter accepts with displeasure what is ruling on such contract? A: Contract without the permission and consent of the daughter is not correct, and if the acceptance was due to pressure, there is no shari value to it and does not require a divorce. • For marriage permission from father or grand father is necessary, but they cannot force their children into marrying someone they want especially when the abhor it. (show کراھت)

39. Reason for crisis are others (other than parents) • Reasons when others have become the cause of crisis and differences (while being well-wishers) • عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ الْحَسَنِ الْأَشْعَرِيِّ قَالَ كَتَبَ بَعْضُ بَنِي عَمِّي إِلَى أَبِي جَعْفَرٍ الثَّانِي ع مَا تَقُولُ فِي صَبِيَّةٍ زَوَّجَهَا عَمُّهَا فَلَمَّا كَبِرَتْ أَبَتِ التَّزْوِيجَ فَكَتَبَ بِخَطِّهِ لَا تُكْرَهُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ وَ الْأَمْرُ أَمْرُهَا (الفروع من الکافی ج۵ص۳۹۴) • Some of my cousins wrote to Imam Jawad (as) about a girl whose uncle had given her into marriage to someone, when she became baligh, she refused it. Imam replied: He shouldn’t force her, she has the right to not agree. • If some family members force a girl to marry someone when the girl doesn’t agree, what is the ruling on it? • Aside from paternal grandfather, no one in the family has guardianship over her, thus cannot force. • Reasons when others have become the cause of crisis and differences (while not being well-wishers) • Some people try to split the couples for various reasons: • Jealousy, envy • For fun, or out of teasing

40. Islam considers that a big sin: • وَ مَنْ عَمِلَ فِي فُرْقَةٍ بَيْنَ امْرَأَةٍ وَ زَوْجِهَا كَانَ عَلَيْهِ غَضَبُ اللَّهِ وَ لَعْنَتُهُ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَ الْآخِرَةِ وَ كَانَ حَقّاً عَلَى اللَّهِ أَنْ يَرْضَخَهُ بِأَلْفِ صَخْرَةٍ مِنْ نَارٍ وَ مَنْ مَشَى فِي فَسَادِ مَا بَيْنَهُمَا وَ لَمْ يُفَرِّقْ كَانَ فِي سَخَطِ اللَّهِ عَزَّ وَ جَلَّ وَ لَعْنَتِهِ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَ الْآخِرَةِ وَ حَرَّمَ (اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ) النَّظَرَ إِلَى وَجْهِهِ ( وسائل الشیعۃ ج۲۰ ص ۴۶) • Whoever becomes the cause of split and confrontation between a couple, anger and curse of Allah is on that person in this world and in the Hereafter. That person deserves to be stoned by Allah (using big flaming stones). And whoever tries to split a couple but they don’t split, rather their life becomes very bitter, anger and curse of Allah is on this person. Moreover, he will not see Allah’s face (probably it means those people who are referred to as وجہ اللہlike Prophet and Masumeen). • This Hadith uses very harsh words to be a lesson so that nobody even thinks about it. • Recipient of Allah’s anger and wrath • Being stoned with flaming stones • Not being able to see وجہ اللہ

41. Wrong means to fix the crisis in family matters • Using magic or sorcery • کچھ دعا نویس، دعائیں لکھتے ہیں: کسی کی زبان بند کرنے کے لیے، خوش بختی ، چلہ، محبت، چیزوں کو کھولنا جو بند، جادو کوتوڑنے کے لیے، یا ایسی ہی چیزیں لوگوں کو بیچتے ہیں، کیا ایسی دعائیں موجود ہیں؟ • یہ کام لوگ معمولا اپنے سود و منافع کے لیے کرتے ہیں تاکہ لوگوں کو اپنا شیدائی بنا سکیں • دعا نویسی صرف کسی خاص دعا کو لکھ کر اپنے پاس رکھنا ہےیا اسکے علاوہ بھی؟ مثلا: اُس کاغذ کو جس پر دعا لکھی ہے پانی میں گھولنا، کسی کو کھلانا، یا جلادینا، ہوا میں رکھنا، پتھر کے نیچے دبانا، یا دفن کرنا یا بہتے پانے میں پھینکنا؟ ان چیزوں کاکتنا اعتبار ہے؟ • دعا کو جَلانا مطلقا حرام ہے۔ لیکن دھونا اور پانی میں بہانا وہی عریضہ کی مانند ہے جو کہ کچھ دعاؤں کے لیے صحیح ہے • قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ص لِامْرَأَةٍ سَأَلَتْهُ أَنَّ لِي زَوْجاً وَ بِهِ عَلَيَّ غِلْظَةٌ وَ إِنِّي صَنَعْتُ شَيْئاً لِأُعَطِّفَهُ عَلَيَّ فَقَالَ لَهَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ص أُفٍّ لَكِ كَدَّرْتِ الْبِحَارَ وَ كَدَّرْتِ الطِّينَ وَ لَعَنَتْكِ الْمَلَائِكَةُ الْأَخْيَارُ وَ مَلَائِكَةُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَ الْأَرْضِ قَالَ فَصَامَتِ الْمَرْأَةُ نَهَارَهَا وَ قَامَتْ لَيْلَهَا وَ حَلَقَتْ رَأْسَهَا وَ لَبِسَتِ الْمُسُوحَ فَبَلَغَ ذَلِكَ النَّبِيَّ ص فَقَالَ إِنَّ ذَلِكَ لَا يُقْبَلُ مِنْهَا (من لا یحضرہ الفقیہ ج ۳ ص۴۴۵) • A woman came to holy Prophet and said, my husband is a bit harsh on me, I used magic to tame him so that he’d be nice to me. Am I right in doing this? Prophet replied: Woe on to you, you tarnished ocean and land with this action; (metaphor for making water and land polluted), best of the Angels of Earth and Heaven are cursing at you. That woman went back and became busy in Ibadat—day and night—cut off her hair, wore ragged clothes (so that God may forgive her), when Prophet heard of that, he said: No doubt, her actions are useless.

42. Curse/imprecation instead of logical solutions • Life is shorten for a spouse who curses. Hadith by Imam Sadiq (as): رُوِيَ عَنِ الْحُسَيْنِ بْنِ أَبِي الْعَلَاءِ قَالَ كُنْتُ عِنْدَ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللَّهِ ع إِذْ جَاءَهُ رَجُلٌ أَوْ مَوْلًى لَهُ يَشْكُو زَوْجَتَهُ وَ سُوءَ خُلْقِهَا قَالَ فَأْتِنِي بِهَا فَقَالَ لَهَا مَا لِزَوْجِكِ قَالَتْ فَعَلَ اللَّهُ بِهِ وَ فَعَلَ فَقَالَ لَهَا إِنْ ثَبَتِّ عَلَى هَذَا لَمْ تَعِيشِي إِلَّا ثَلَاثَةَ أَيَّامِ قَالَتْ مَا أُبَالِي أَنْ لَا أَرَهُ أَبَداً فَقَالَ لَهُ خُذْ بِيَدِ زَوْجَتِكَ فَلَيْسَ بَيْنَكَ وَ بَيْنَهَا إِلَّا ثَلَاثَةَ أَيَّامٍ فَلَمَّا كَانَ الْيَوْمُ الثَّالِثُ دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ الرَّجُلُ فَقَالَ ع مَا فَعَلَتْ زَوْجَتُكَ قَالَ قَدْ وَ اللَّهِ دَفَنْتُهَا السَّاعَةَ قُلْتُ مَا كَانَ حَالُهَا قَالَ كَانَتْ مُتَعَدِّيَةً فَبَتَرَ اللَّهُ عُمُرَهَا وَ أَرَاحَهُ مِنْهَا (بحار الانوار ج ۴۸ ص۹۷) • A wife who cursed her husband, Imam said you only have three days to live. When we asked Imam about her he said: She was a woman who trespassed Allah’s boundaries therefore Allah cut her life short.

43. Being impetuous and violentتندی و خشونت • How to control the anger in a husband wife relationship? • A brave person is the one who can prove his/her bravery in front of anger. Bravest of all is one who owns his/her anger. • One who can lessen his anger in front of others, Allah will lessen His anger in front of him. • Wife in the house, not only she shouldn’t get angry but also she should be the force in putting out the anger of husband. HOW TO DO THAT? • Delay your reaction by five minutes. And you will have full control over your anger in few practices. • This practice can replace all the doctors’ treatments and anger pills.

44. Correct solution to fix the crisis in family matters • First solution: Seeking help from Allah and tawassul with Awliya Allah • A woman came to Imam Sadiq (as) and asked him, O Imam my husband does not like what should I do? Imam replied: علیکِ بالصلاۃ اللیل • After a while she came back and thanked Imam and said: My husband from that time on started liking me to the extent that cannot be compared to anyone. • Imam said: God have mercy on the woman who gets up in the morning and wakes her husband up, and husband who does the same to his wife, and they pray Namaz-e-Shab.

45. B. Second solution:Putting yourself in their shoes يَا بُنَيَّ تَفَهَّمْ وَصِيَّتِي وَ اجْعَلْ نَفْسَكَ مِيزَاناً فِيمَا بَيْنَكَ وَ بَيْنَ غَيْرِكَ وَ أَحِبَّ لِغَيْرِكَ مَا تُحِبُّ لِنَفْسِكَ وَ اكْرَهْ لَهُ مَا تَكْرَهُ لَهَا لَا تَظْلِمْ كَمَا لَا تُحِبُّ أَنْ تُظْلَمَ وَ أَحْسِنْ كَمَا تُحِبُّ أَنْ يُحْسَنَ إِلَيْك‏(بحارالأنوارج 74ص 205 وصية أمير المؤمنين إلى الحسن‏) • Imam Ali said to his son: “O my son understand my will correctly, make your nafs a scale between others and yourself, like for others that which you like for yourself, and dislike for others that which you dislike for yourself. Do not oppress anyone the same way you don’t want to be oppressed. Be kind to others the way you would want them to be kind to you. عَنِ الصَّادِقِ ع قَالَ لَا تَغْتَبْ فتغتب [فَتُغْتَابَ‏] وَ لَا تَحْفِرْ لِأَخِيكَ حُفْرَةً فَتَقَعَ فِيهَا فَإِنَّكَ كَمَا تَدِينُ تُدَانُ (بحارالأنوارج 72ص248) • Do not back bite, or someone will backbite you. Do not dig a hole for your brother, lest you fall in it your self. Because how you treat others, you’ll be treated the same way.

46. Story of a woman who learned from her 12 year old son. She would get into fight with her mother-in-law, and asked her husband to choose between one of them. One day this son said to his mother I won’t get married, because what will I do when my wife asks me to choose between you and her? C. Third solution:Talking with mutual understanding (تکلم و تفاھم) • Spouses must understand if they don’t want to be with one another, or make compromises to reach mutual understanding, even if all the Prophets would come and advise them, it’s not going to make any difference. • In order for them to make mutual understanding the ruling hakim in the house, they must pay attention to the following: • No one is Masoom (infallible): therefore possibility of mistake exists in either one of them, even repeatedly.

47. Whoever makes a mistake or lapses, leave it to that they have admitted their fault, apologized and promised to not repeat. • قال امیر المومنینؑ: المعذرة برهان العقل(غرر الحکم، ص 447) • Apologizing (after a mistake) is a sign of a wise person. • Accepting the apology right away even if the mistake has happened before قال امیر المومنینؑ: شر الناس من لا يقبل العذر و لا يقيل الذنب (غرر الحکم، ص 447) • Worst of the mankind is the one who doesn’t accept the apology to end the differences and disputes (person who holds grudges). • Note: Not all apologies should be accepted. • After dishonor • If one harms another physically…

48. In doing اصلاح(reconciling) or mentioning ones defects, following must be adhered: • Before mentioning defects, mention some good habits and positive things about that person, and thank him. • When mentioning defects don’t bombard them, rather mention one thing at a time and correct it. • Make sure the time and place is appropriate. • Don’t mention defects in front of others (strangers) • قال امیر المومنینؑ: نُصحُكَ بَين الملإ تَقريعٌ [تفريع‏] (غررالحكم) Imam Ali (as) said: Giving advice in public is destroying ones personality. • Before you mention someone else’s defects, count your own shortcomings or else it won’t have any effects. قال امیر المومنینؑ: أَكْبَرُ الْعَيْبِ أَنْ تَعِيبَ مَا فِيكَ مِثْلُهُ (نھج البلاغۃ قصار353) Biggest vice is the one who counts others defects while he possesses the same himself.

49. ۞أَتَأْمُرُونَ النَّاسَ بِالْبِرِّ وَتَنسَوْنَ أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ تَتْلُونَ الْكِتَابَ ۚ أَفَلَا تَعْقِلُونَ(بقرہ 44) Would you order people to do good deeds and forget to do them yourselves even though you read the Book? Why do you not think? • Event when Hazrat Isa (as) had to use HazratYahya (as) for punishing someone. D.Seeking guidance from scholars and people with experience • قال امیر المومنینؑ: جماع الخير في المشاورة و الأخذ بقول النصي(غررالحكم) All the goods lie in consulting and acting on the advices of well-wishers.

50. Exhorting and advising ۞ وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ ۖ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا... وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّـهُ بَيْنَهُمَا(نساء 3534 & ) Admonish women who disobey (God's laws), do not sleep with them and beat them. If they obey (the laws of God), do not try to find fault in them. If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if they desire reconciliation choose arbiters from the families of both sides. God will bring them together • what is نشوز? Literally it means: elevated land and in terminology it refers to rebellion (flying high) • Allah says: فعظوھن exhort them, advice them, if you fear rebellion from them.