Do’s and Don’ts

1. Do’s and Don’ts • Victims • Perpetrators • Witnesses/Children

2. Do’s and Don’ts • Do No Harm!

3. Do’s and Don’ts • Faith Trust Institute has three goals: • Safety for the woman and her children. • Accountability for the abuser. • Restoration of the individuals and, if possible, relationships or mourning the loss of the relationships. Faith Trust Institute

4. Do’s – Victims • Believe • Her description of the violence is only the tip of the iceberg. • Assure • The abuse is not her fault. • No one deserves to be abused. • God is not punishing her. • It is not God’s will for her. FaithTrust Institute, adapted

5. Do’s – Victims • Support • Give her referral information and resources. • Empower, but remember that you cannot rescue the victim. • Respect her choices. Encourage her to think about a safety plan. • Protect her confidentiality. • Help her with any religious concerns. • Pray with her, if she wants to.

6. Don’ts – Victims • Do not: • react with disbelief, disgust, or anger at what she tells you. • minimize the danger to her. • blame her for his violence. • recommend marriage or couples counseling. Individual counseling is appropriate. • recommend marriage enrichment, mediation, or a communications workshop.

7. Don’ts – Victims • Do not: • send her home with just a prayer and directive to submit to her husband, bring him to church, or be a better Christian wife. • encourage her to forgive him and take him back. • encourage her dependence on you. • approach her husband and ask for “his side of the story.” These actions will endanger her.

8. Do’s – Abusive Partner • Do: • warn the victim if he makes specific threats towards her. • name the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that only he can stop it; and you are willing to help. • refer him to a program that specifically addresses abusers. • assess him for suicide or threats of homicide.

9. Do’s – Abusive Partner • Do: • address any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions he may have. • find ways to collaborate with community agencies and law enforcement to hold him accountable. • pray with him. Ask God to help him stop his violence, repent, and find a new way. Give him referrals.

10. Don’ts – Abusive Partner • Do not: • approach him or let him know that you know about his violence unless: • The victim wants you to. • She is aware you plan to talk to him. • You are certain that his partner is safely separated from him. • go to him to confirm the victim’s story. • meet with him alone. Meet in your office or public place where others are present.

11. Don’ts – Abusive Partner • Do not: • give him any information about his partner or her whereabouts. • be taken in by his minimization, denial, or lying about his violence. • confuse his remorse with true repentance. • forgive an abuser quickly and easily. • send him home with just a prayer.

12. Don’ts – Abusive Partner • Do not: • be taken in by his “conversion” experience. • advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences of his violence. • provide a character witness for this purpose in any legal proceedings.

13. Do’s and Don’ts Questionable Responses to Victims • You feel it is necessary to get both sides because… • You want to be fair. • You are afraid that she may be exaggerating. She may be the cause of the problem. • You make an appointment with both of them. • Bad idea. This is dangerous. Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P.

14. Do’s and Don’ts Questionable Responses to Victims • Your bias is to save the marriage. So… • You encourage her to be forgiving. • Give her tips on how not to avoid antagonizing abuser. • You recommend marriage counseling. • You pray with her for healing the marriage. • Bad ideas. These actions do not provide help.

15. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Be aware. • Investigate the possible presence of DV with the victim privately. For example, at sacramental registration, confession… • Be sensitive to any sign of DV––physical, emotional, or economic––and investigate.

16. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Ask questionsand probe. • If she is angry, ask why. • Does he hit you? • Does he use bad language directed at you? • Is he jealous, controlling? How so? • Are you afraid? What causes your fear? • Does he share money with you? • Do you have anyone to talk to? • Does he threaten you? • Are the children safe? How are they treated?

17. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Validate. • I believe what you are telling me. • I can sense how difficult this must be for you. • You are not crazy. • You are not alone. • I care about you and your children’s safety and well-being. • I respect your choices. • When you are ready, we are here to help.

18. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Motivate. • How is this affecting your children? • Do you want your sons to grow up abusers and your daughters to be submissive to abusers? Thatis what they are learning. • Do you feel weak and powerless? Would you like to feel stronger? • Do you feel depressed? Would you like to feel hope for the future?

19. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Provide spiritual direction. Be prepared to speak to issues such as: • Why does domestic violence happen? • Why has God abandoned me? • I do not feel God’s presence. • I do not believe in God.

20. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Provide spiritual direction. Be prepared to speak to issues such as: • I am worthless. • I am ashamed. • My sin has caused this. • I will never trust or love anyone again. • I will never get out of this relationship. • He will kill me.

21. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Victims • Help • Accompanying her through steps she chooses: • Calling to shelters. • Visiting the police station. • Making a safety plan. • Obtaining legal protection. • Maintain contact • Provide your phone number.

22. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Abusers • Be prepared. He is likely to be: • Right about everything. • In denial. • Jealous or envious. • Righteous, arrogant, and narcissistic. • Angry, simmering, and explosive. • A liarand self-absorbed. • Lacks remorse and refuses advice. • Be careful. Abusers tend to be charmers.

23. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Abusers • Be aware. • Anger management training is no substitute for DV counseling. • If drinking is an issue, that needs to be addressed apart from DV counseling. • Relate that forgiveness may come in time. That is up to the victim. • Do not rush to reconciliation. Remorse (being sorry) is not the same as repentance (a change in behavior).

24. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Abusers • Be straightforward. • Advise that abuses are the perpetrator’s problem. • He must take responsibility for his actions. • Remorse must be accompanied by positive actions.

25. Do’s and Don’ts GoodResponses to Abusers • Point out support. • Domestic violence counseling is available and necessary. • Recommend individual counseling. • Guide him to the appropriate community resources.

26. Do’s and Don’ts Good Responses to Abusers • Provide spiritual direction. • Do not accept rationalizations. • Pray with him. The abuse must stop. • All of us are responsible and accountable for our actions. There is no excuse for abuse.

27. Do’s and Don’ts – Children Witnesses • How are children exposed to DV? • Directly witness assault, rape • Hear the violence, name calling, intimidation, threats, disrespect • Feel the tension • See the aftermath—broken furniture, bruises on their mother, father being taken away by police • Forced to participate in or watch the abuse of their mother • Intervene to protect their mother Futures Without Violence (formerly Family Violence Prevention Fund)-quoted

28. Do’s and Don’ts – Children Witnesses • May have their own safety or well-being threatened: threats to kill, threats to call DCFS, threats of kidnapping, never seeing their mother again. • Physically placed in harm’s way. • Seriously injured or killed during an assault. • Witness homicide of mother. • After separation, may be used to relay messages, keep tabs on mother, harass mother. Futures Without Violence (formerly Family Violence Prevention Fund)-quoted

29. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • Children who live with domestic violence feel: • Powerless. They can’t stop the violence. • Confused. It doesn’t make sense. • Angry. It shouldn't be happening. • Guilty. They think they’ve done something wrong. • Sad. It’s a loss. • Afraid. They may be hurt, lose someone they love, or others may find out. • Alone. They think it’s happening only to them. ADVA (Against DV & Abuse), Devon County Council, UK-quoted

30. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • What children need to hear about DV: • It is not okay. • It is not your fault. • It must be scary for you. • I will listen to you. • You can tell me how you feel. It is important. • I am sorry you had to see/hear it. • You do not deserve to have this in your family. • I will help to keep you safe.

31. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • There is nothing you could have done to prevent/change it. • We can talk about what to do to keep you safe if it happens again. • You are an individual, and you can choose not to fight or hurt people.

32. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • How to talk about your ex-partner: • Speak about your “ex” [current] in a general way. • Try to avoid name-calling. • Challenge behavior, but not the person. • Your child may still love the abusive parent and may be confused by feeling the way that they do. • It will really help if your child is able to express feelings.

33. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • Ideas for helping children when they have witnessed domestic violence. • Let them talk if they want to. • Accept that they may not be willing or able to talk about it right away. • Listen to them. • Talk about their feelings. • Show understanding. • Let them know it is not their fault.

34. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • Let them know you will try to keep them safe. • Let them know that violence is not okay. • Acknowledge that it is hard and scary for them. • Always act in a way that is non-threatening and non-violent to your kids. • Take them to counseling if they need it.

35. Do’s and Don’ts – Children WitnessesFor Parents • Let them be children and try to share your own worries with another adult. • Set limits respectfully if your child behaves in a violent or abusive way.

36. Presentation References • Faith Trust Institute, http://faithtrustinstitute.org • Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P.,http://stpiusvparish.org. • Futures Without Violence, http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org • ADVA(Against DV & Abuse), http://www.devon.gov.uk/index/childrenfamilies/domestic_violence.htm

37. Presentation References

38. Presentation References • Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence, http://www.ilcadv.org • Illinois Attorney General,http://www.illinoisattorneygeneral.gov/women/victims.html

39. Presentation References • Manual for Mandated Reporters, September 2012, Revised Edition, http://www.state.il.us/DCFS/docs/CFS_1050-21_Mandated_Reporter_Manual.pdf • Illinois Domestic Violence Act of 1986, http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/ilcs3.asp?ActID=2100&ChapterID=59