We All Need A Family – But Which Kind Is Best?

1. We All Need A Family – But Which Kind Is Best? Janice Selekman DNSc, RN, NCSN Professor University of Delaware

2. What do we know about the history of families? • Has a word in every culture • A common denominator anywhere in the world and in any crisis throughout history • Sanctioned by every institution • Considered to be the basic social unit • Our concept is a Victorian invention • Prior to that = “household” with servants, apprentices, dependents, borders, extended family

3. Family/ Marriage/ Religion • Family is NOT a religious concept, for it precedes religion • Marriage is a legal act FIRST • The religious component is optional • Because of separation of church and state, religion should not dictate law • Technically, marriage is not necessary to ‘be’ a family • But you can’t get state/federal/legal benefits

4. Definition of Family • 2 or more persons related by birth, marriage, or adoption and residing together (U.S. Census Bureau, 2000) • (for our purposes) Includes children and people who are or act as ‘parents’ • Uses definitions for WIC, public assistance, tax deductions, healthcare benefits for fertility treatments, health benefits for dependents, visitation, Family Medical Leave Act

5. Newer definitions • “1 or 2 adults related by marriage, partnership, or shared parenthood taking care of dependents, and the dependents themselves” • “2 or more individuals who maintain an intimate relationship that they expect will be lasting or until each reaches adulthood…and who live in the same household” (Wiseman, 2008)

6. Bottom line…. • Family is whatever the people involved say it is for them. • “whoever they say they are” • (Bomar, 2004; Wright & Leahey, 2005)

7. Types of Family Configurations:Family Structure • ‘Traditional’ 2-parent (previously called nuclear) • 67% • One parent • ‘Non-traditional 2 parent 2.9% • No parents 4% • Multiple parents COLUMN A

8. Percent of children living in 2-parent homes • 1970 = 81%; 1980 = 77%; 2007 = 67% • 85% of Asian children • 75%-78% of Caucasian children • 64%-70% of Hispanic children • 35%-38% of African American children • (includes biological, adoption, and step)

9. Two parent • Live together or apart Married army job jail Common-law (cohabitating) [5 million] arranged or of choice • Stay at home or work • Gay/ lesbian adoption (600,000) • Families of choice • Who is raising the child (nanny?) • Child at home or at boarding school? COLUMN B

10. One Parent • 1970 = 12% 1980 = 18% • 2007 = 27% • 10 million moms & 2 million dads • Divorce • Death • Choice COLUMN B

11. No Parents (1:25 children) • Fastest growing family group pattern • Increased 30% since 1990 • Foster care/ Group home • Village/ clan • Grandparents/ relatives (kinship care) • 2.4 million grandparents with financial and legal responsibility for 6% of children • ↓ energy and health (and driving ability) • Overwhelmed  depression

12. Multiple parents • Remarriage • Blended with half siblings and non-related siblings (step families) • Gay/lesbian non-adoptive • Surrogate/ donor egg or sperm • Adoption • Virgin births COLUMN B

13. Satisfaction • The vast majority for these variety of families are satisfied with their family structure and family life

14. Family Function and Family Values Family Function - the processes used by the family as they interact with each other Family Values - what the family considers important (not what you consider important for the family)

15. Factors that may influence outcomes • HEALTH of child or parent • Chronic Condition • Progressive/deteriorating/fatal (HIV, Cancer, CF) • Non-progressive (CP, blind, deaf, MR, LD, congenital anomalies) • Remission/exacerbation (mental health, lupus) • Parentified child • Available/affordable/ quality services • Respite care • Dealing with death • What happens to me; changing schools; siblings • Dental care • Social services

16. Factors that may influence outcomes • Availability of child care • Quality and quantity; cost • Preschool/ early intervention • Respite • The law • IFSP/ IEP/ 504/ HIPAA • Partner vs. spouse (rights/ services) • Visitation rights, split between homes • Legal or illegal immigrant • 20%+ of US children are 1st generation Americans

17. Factors/VALUES that may influence outcomes • Genetics • Is behavior nature or nurture • Intelligence, demeanor, health • Issues for future intermarriage of sperm/egg • Child’s temperament/ coping strategies • Degree of resilience

18. Factors that may influence outcomes • Environment • Safety of home and neighborhood • Fear of danger/ violence; gangs • Cleanliness of the home (heat/electricity/water) • Social activities available for parents and children • Recreational activities available • Parks, sports programs, art/ theater, community center • Availability of personal space • Availability of learning activities (libraries, museums, adult learning) • Amount of free time vs. activities • Taking advantage of these activities

19. Factors that may influence outcomes • Socioeconomic status • Employment opportunities • Type of job or even having one • Type/ availability of meals • ↑ SES results in ‘having access’ to more resources needed to support positive dev. • ↑ SES enables individual to more fully realize adaptive capabilities • ↑ SES results in higher expectations Factors that may influence outcomes

20. Factors that may influence outcomes • Socioeconomic status • ↓ SES results in • 6.8 x increase for reported cases of child abuse and neglect • 3.1 x increase for a teen out-of-wedlock birth • 2.2 x increase for experiencing violent crime • 2 x increase for grade repetition and high school dropout • Can they carry through on referrals • Can’t/won’t access primary care

21. Factors that may influence outcomes • Culture/ tradition • What are the standards/ expectations? • WE ARE ALL MULTICULTURAL • Future or present orientation • Locus of control • Crisis response or preventative mode • Provides a sense of belonging and pride • Cultural competence ??? • Tolerance of others’ civil rights

22. Factors that may influence outcomes • Religion • Support of a higher power • Provides a sense of safety and belonging • provides hope & strength to some • For some, it is a crutch & an excuse to not take responsibility • Mandates for marriage, behavior, having children • Turf and control • Other beliefs serve as a threat

23. Factors that may influence outcomes • Family violence/ domestic struggles • Child abuse (physical (20%), sexual (10%), psychological (10%) and neglect (60%) • Neglect includes educational neglect and truancy • Children from violent homes learn this is an acceptable and effective way to control others

24. Factors that may influence outcomes • Parent engaging in high-risk behaviors • Alcohol, drugs, smoking • Sexual activity • Consumed with body image • Lying/ cheating/ stealing • Kids engaging in high-risk behaviors • Impact on being a role model

25. Factors that may influence outcomes • Parenting • Parenting is a job whose primary object of attention and action is the child • Parenting is also a status in the life of the parents

26. Roles/ Expectations of Parents/ Guardians • Provide care (feed, shelter, clothe, maintain good health) • Nurture, motivate, support, comfort, • Protect – ensure safety • Train/ educate • Develop social skills • Be primary decision-makers in the home

27. Roles/ Expectations of Parents/ Guardians • Be chief interpreters of the wider community and society • Be ROLE MODELS • Be a safety valve to reduce social pressures on the individual • Provide stability • Have rules • LOVE unconditionally

28. Factors that may influence outcomes • Parenting • Style • Rigid/authoritarian vs. permissive • vs. rejecting and negligent • Degree of control/ monitoring • Who are their role models for parenting? • Past experience with family/ parenting • Why did they have the child? • Amount and quality of education • Immigrant or native: do they speak English?

29. Factors that may influence outcomes • Parenting • Knowledge of growth and development • Expectations of the child • Degree of egocentrism of parent • Degree of Connectedness/ support system/ belonging • With family and community • Shared work/ responsibility around home • Someone to talk to and bounce off ideas • Child’s peer group • Who helps parent self-actualize?

30. Factors that may influence outcomes • Stressors for the parents/ coping strategies • Degree of conflict in the marriage • Kids/ finances/ carpool/ relationships/ etc. • # transitions for family (changes in schools/ homes) • Sandwich generation/ caring for parents • Methods of dealing with stress • Constructive or destructive!!!

31. Factors that may influence outcomes • Quality of the educational environment • Expectations and values • A powerful socializing agent • Available supports/ resources • Are you making note of the free resources you bring to your students! • Clothes, food, caring • Connectedness in school!!!

32. Factors that may influence outcomes • Amount of love/ affection for the child • Does the child know that someone cares • Is the child loved unconditionally • Degree of respect • For each other • For belongings • For the child’s ideas

33. Marriage and Divorce • We marry to make us happy; we divorce when we are not • It has moved from an economic partnership to an emotional one • 2/3 of women work  ↑ security • ↑ emphasis on personal satisfaction and fulfillment

34. Marriage (a VALUE) • Does it matter if it is religious or civil? (VALUE) • We know marriage has nothing to do with the quality of the family? • Does it matter who you marry? • Different social class, religion, race, sexual orientation? • Marriage is a commitment to each other

35. Value Changes There is no typical family any more! • ‘Gender roles’ are now just ‘family roles’ • ‘Different’ does not mean better or worse

36. Example: Divorce • 50% of first marriages • 1 million children experience parental divorce each year • Research shows GREAT variability on the outcomes of divorce on the child • California was first state to sanction ‘no fault divorce’ due to irreconcilable differences (1970); made divorce easy

37. Divorce - • “An amicable divorce is better than a bitter one, but there is no such thing as a “good divorce.” • “One parent in peace is better than two parents at war.” • Children are able to cope better with parental splits when parents continue to communicate with each other. • Results partially depend on age of child

38. Divorce: Needs of the parent • Support for decisions; sounding board • Need help identifying and accessing resources • Legal assistance • Financial needs • Needs of the non-custodial parent • Involvement of the non-custodial parent • Time for self

39. Divorce: Needs of the child • Why did they leave/ what did I do • Hurt, angry, scared, withdrawn • Depression • Guilt • Fear of losing the other parent • Fear of abandonment cling • School anxiety • Caught in custody battle • Pawns between 2 homes; 2 sets of everything • Meds, treatments, teaching, school books, clothes

40. Divorce: Needs of the child • Travelers between 2 different worlds • Negotiate different rules and roles • Problem when one parent doesn’t support educational mission • Asked to keep parental secrets • Parents may try to turn child against other parent • Child may take sides

41. Divorce: Issues • Parent dating and going in and out of relationships • Wait a few months before introducing child to new love (attachment and loss) • Effect on grandparents • Remarriage (1/2 remarry within 4 years) • Negotiate values (bed time, table manners, TV viewing, etc) • What to call step-parent

42. Divorce • Will they repeat the pattern • The message is, “Love does not last forever” • No longer is it the norm for children to spend their childhoods in one household with both legally married birth parents

43. Divorce • While children of divorce experience increased stressors associated with the divorce, most of these children become happy, competent adults much like their peers who grew up in intact families • So, do not generalize

44. Terminology • Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning Youth and families • LGBTQ

45. Being Gay • NOT a mental illness • NOT a defect of character • NOT a defect of genes • NOT a defect of parenting

46. Homosexuality: prevalence • 2% - 10% of population • When large numbers, most are ‘questioning’ • 10%-12% of college age • 20%-25% report ‘any attraction’ to the same sex • 6-14 million gay and lesbian parents

47. Homosexuality: Issues • Coming Out • Complex discovery process • First theme is feeling different • Shift from “thinking gay” to “doing gay” to “being gay” • ¾ boys and 2/3 girls initially felt different by age 8 • Gay parents usually have to ‘come out’ to school staff

48. Interventions • Promote diversity • Compare to handedness • Different does not mean ‘worse’ or ‘inferior’ • Teach as diversity and include with tolerance and civil rights • Give the message that it is OK to be gay • Parents MUST be allowed to be home-room parents/ chaperones/ aides

49. Interventions • Provide a safe and welcoming environment • Assure schools are inclusive and bully-proof • Display gay symbol • Life • Healing • Sun • Nature • Art/ harmony • The spirit

50. Interventions • Promote acceptance and socialization • Treat as positive lifestyle • Praise them for promoting good values in their children • Some children may be bullied because of parent’s lifestyle • Other parents may prevent their children from visiting