Transforming your pre-teen

1. Barry J. Brigham, MA, LLP, LPC Transforming your pre-teen

2. Entitlement…kids who want it now!

3. Changes in work-ethic attitudes started in the United States just after the 1940’s. There was an emphasis upon child well-being and a concern that children were being mis-treated in some fashion. Where did it come from?

4. In the 1940’s, a well-meaning pediatrician named Dr. Spock wrote a popular book that said that children’s self-esteem must be protected because it is extremely delicate. So an emphasis was given to promote good self-esteem of children by making them the center of the home. It was seen as a way to provide healthy development for kids.

5. The result of this growing idea was a culture of children growing up thinking that life was centered around their interests and needs. Many of those children become parents who sought to imitate positive self-esteem in their own children. The attitude of a child with a sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.”

6. While healthy self-esteem for a child is very important, it does not come through children getting what they want when they want it. Healthy self-esteem comes from growing in responsibility and through legitimate accomplishments. Important clarification…

7. Making the problem worse…

8. Many parents make the mistake of thinking that their children are most healthy and loved when they are given a lot of gifts and/or toys. Many parents do not want their kids to go without things that other kids have for fear that their children will feel uncared for and underprivileged. Making the problem worse…

9. LIE #1: The more I give to my child, the better parent I am! The thought is, “if my kid does not have the privileges that others have, I have not appropriately care-taken for my child. LIE #2: I have to keep my child from feeling bad about themselves. The thought is, “if my kid doesn’t have what other kids have, they will be uncool and feel badly about themselves. LIES PARENTS BELIEVE…

10. LIE #3: If I give great privileges to my kids, they will know that I am a great parent. We call this “parenting scared” Too many parents are attempting to be their child’s best friend. LIE #4: I can not take it when my kids hate me. Our primary task is to raise healthy kids, not happy ones. Healthy kids will find happiness, entitled kids will always look to others to provide it for them. Lies parents believe, continued…

11. Many kids compare themselves to other kids and feel that they need to have whatever other kids have. A marker of success seems to be having the kinds of toys and/or privileges that other people have. The danger in comparing…

12. Lasting success comes from kids that grow in responsibility daily because they know how to make healthy choices, which includes earning most of the things they possess. RESPONSIBLE KIDS EARN PRIVILEGES! The true marker of success…

13. LIFE PRINICIPLE #1: KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO TEACH YOUR KID ABOUT EARNING THINGS. Do I want my kids to have the idea that you have to work to earn things you want? or Do I want my kids to have the idea that you can get something for nothing? How do I help my kid???

14. LIFE PRINCIPLE #2: SET LIMITS ON YOUR KIDS AND HOLD TO THOSE LIMITS!!! Saying “no” to your kids, even if others have it, does not make you a bad or unfair parent. Most kids have too many possessions because parents fail to engage in possession management by setting limits. HOW DO I HELP MY KID???

15. LIFE PRINICIPLE #3: HAVE YOUR KID WORK TO EARN MONEY! Let your kids know that a new earning system must be put in place, which could be hard for them. But let them know that the new system has some benefit for them, it allows them to earn some money to buy some things that they will be wanting. All kids need to know how the system will benefit them. HOW DO I HELP MY KID???

16. As you present the new earning system, stick with the facts only (what the system will and will not do), do not present with emotion (i.e. “I am sick and tired of being unappreciated…”). If your kids protest the earning system, hold steady to your limits…do not give in! If you give in, you show your kids that protesting can change the rules and they can get what they want if they make you unhappy. How do I help my kid???

17. Kids should be paid to perform responsibilities that are outside of normal contributions to the family. Normal contributions (picking up their room, etc.) do not earn allowance. They get paid AFTER the task is completed. Loans are only given to those with good credit and collateral for the loan is secured. ALLOWANCE

18. Pay yourself or a sibling or a neighbor to complete the tasks in the earning system. Stop the gravy train! Stay consistent and do not give in! Gifts are given for birthdays and Christmas, all else is earned! Do not lecture, nag or bargain! What if my kid does not care?

19. Entitled kids are not thankful kids! Thankfulness, or gratitude, is the key to fostering contentment in our lives! Contentment is the key to encountering episodes of happiness! Happy people complain less and enjoy life more! What about the entitled mind???

20. Keep a gratitude journal/log/record… Routinely talk about what is on the journal and discuss it… Help the kids see the “blessings” in your life by letting them know what you see. Help the kids see the “blessings” in other people’s lives by discussing it together with them. Fostering gratitude…

21. Barry J. Brigham, MA, LLP, LPC 269.375.4363 barry@CornerstoneChristianCounseling.com