Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships

1. Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships Ephesians 5:22-33 • 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. • 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.* 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body. • 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”* 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Eph 5:22-33

2. Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships The relationship between husband & wife is modeled after the relationship between the Bridegroom (Christ) and His bride (Church) • Behaviors of the Husband: • Look to the Bridegroom who washes her with the Word • Love her • Sacrifice for her • Listen to her • Take care of her • Be empathic (walk in her shoes) • Be sensitive to her needs • Be sensitive to her hurts • Behaviors of the Wife: • Look to the chosen bride • Respect • Acknowledgethe headship • Respond to his leadership • Listen to him • Praise him • Be unified in purpose & will • True helper

3. Basic Communications Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

4. The “Great Rip Off”

5. Effective communication is vital to a fortified marriage

6. Effective communication is vital to a fortified marriage

7. John 1:1-3 (NKJV) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.

8. Effectiveness Inventory

9. *Effectiveness InventoryCircle the best answer (“True” or “False”) for each of the statements below continuing to the next page. *Effectiveness Inventory taken from Fortified Marriages , “How to Build & Maintain a Strong Marriage & Family” by Chris Gardner (2006, p. 91 & 92)

10. *Effectiveness InventoryCircle the best answer (“True” or “False”) for each of the statements below continuing to the next page. *Effectiveness Inventory taken from Fortified Marriages , “How to Build & Maintain a Strong Marriage & Family” by Chris Gardner (2006, p. 91 & 92)

11. *Effectiveness InventoryCircle the best answer (“True” or “False”) for each of the statements below continuing to the next page. Scoring: 30-40: Your communication is excellent; keep it up! 20-29: Your communication is good; continue to work at it. 10-19: Your communication needs work; you may want to do further study <10: You should seek out a counselor to help you learn some basic communication skills. The purpose of this inventory is to give ou an idea about where your communication skills are presently. Communication is a learned skill; you can improve. Please do not use this inventory to attack your spouse for his or her poor communication habits. Excellent communication takes two strong communicators. Poor communication takes two poor communicators. Your score depends on the two of you and the two of you will be able to improve it. *Effectiveness Inventory taken from Fortified Marriages , “How to Build & Maintain a Strong Marriage & Family” by Chris Gardner (2006, p. 91 & 92)

12. 5 Lessons for Biblical Communications • You can’t fake it (if it’s not there) • Your words aren’t enough! • Control your anger • Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage • Make every effort to maintain unity of the Spirit

13. You can’t fake it (if it’s not there) Harvey & Pricilla

15. Your words aren’t enough! • Use appropriate Non-Verbal • Isaiah 3:9 • Facial, eye, touch • Use appropriate Tone of Voice • Proverbs 15:1 Tone Non -Verbal Words • Choose the Right Words • Matthew 12:36-37 • Ephesians 4:29 • Justify or Condemn

16. Control your anger Blowing up (Ventilation) • Sinful expressions: yelling, name-calling, profanity, malicious words, disrespect, false accusations, throwing, hitting & kicking things and/or people Clamming up (Internalization) • Sinful expressions: sulking, pouting, walking away (or “going for a drive”), with no explanation, refusal to discuss it any further, retreating to favorite pastime (TV, Computer, golfing, work, etc…) rather than address the problem Be angry & sin not! (Eph 4:26)

17. Control your anger Anger is designed to destroy something • Blowing up destroys others • Clamming up destroys self God wants us to destroy the PROBLEM! (twofold) • Throw the dart at the real problem • Release your anger under the control of the Holy Spirit Be angry & sin not! (Eph 4:26)

18. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage Interruption (Filter) Inattentiveness (Fog) Interruption violates scriptural principles: James 1:19 – …be quick to hear, slow to speak & slow to anger You are in error when you answer a matter before you hear it Proverbs 18:13 - …He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly & shame to him. Don’t be inconsiderate! Let your spouse finish what he/she is saying Proverbs 18:2- “fools finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions” Pre-occupied & Distracted by “more important things” Tuning Out “Lights are on but nobody is home…” Pay attention to what your spouse is saying! Clear out the Fog! Turn the Filter off!

19. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage Judging Motives Not Communicating Willingly What’s wrong with these statements? You only said that because you want me to feel guilty The reason you’re being nice to me is so I’ll … Problem: presuppose an evil motive…basically slamming the gavel down and pronouncing a guilty sentence 1 Corinthians 4:5 – …”do not pass judgment before time, wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness & disclose the motives of hearts…” AKA being passive rather than active in communication process This is not keeping with God’s design for the marital relationship. “One-Flesh” “Love believes all things”

20. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage Sweeping Generalizations Blame Shifting What’s wrong with these statements: You never listen to me You’re alwayscriticizing everything I do You’re the worst housekeeper I’ve ever known Fabrications… In other words… Lies!!! Eph 4:25- 25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. This is not new to mankind…it has been going on since the Garden of Eden “the woman you gave me…” (Gen 3:12) Pride… not only blinds us to our own sin, it also looks for others to blame “take the log out of your own eye…” Matthew (7:5) you tend to…I’ve observed a pattern…you seem to… ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY & SET AN EXAMPLE OF HUMILITY Failure to change terms can lead to arguing & side-stepping real issues

21. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage Apologizing rather than asking for forgiveness Very essential to communications… What does it mean to forgive? Promise Isa 43:25-“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins.” Do not bring up the offense to your spouse Do not discuss the forgiven offense with others Do not dwell on the forgiven offense instead remind yourself that you already forgave (just as Christ has done for you) 5 Step Approach 5. Ask for forgiveness (will you forgive me?) 4. Identify an alternative biblical behavior to demonstrate repentance (this communicates a true change) 4. Ex: I should have turned off the TV when you first told me you felt overwhelmed… 3. Acknowledge the harm your offense caused (ex. I am sorry I hurt & rejected you) 2. Identify the wrong by its biblical name (ex. “that was selfish & inconsiderate of “) 1. Acknowledge your wrong doing (I was wrong for…”) God doesn’t hold offense against us…why should we?

22. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage Digging Up (Exhumation) If you have overlooked a transgression &/or covered it in loved, than don’t hold it against them again “Love takes no account for wrong doings” 1 Cor 13:5 Keeping Score!

23. 11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage 9. Scolding 10. Using Put – Downs derived from Greek = to snort with anger; Similar to barking or howling Scolding is always expression of a bad spirit & loss of temper “…there came a woman with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume…why has this perfume been wasted?...And they were scolding her” (Mark 14:3-5) “can’t you do anything right” “You have got to be the most ungrateful person I have ever met” “I don’t see how you can call yourself anointed by God” “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.” (Eph 4:29, MSG) 11. Harshness • What is the cure to harshness? • Mildness (meekness) Rooted in Anger

24. Mildness is a special fruit, and evidence of love. It is a notable means to remove offenses that might otherwise be taken from the many hurtful things which a husband does to his wife (or a wife does to her husband). Sugar and honey are not more pleasant to the tongue than mildness is to the heart. It causes those things which are otherwise irksome to the soul, to be well received and applied—even as bitter pills dipped in sweet syrup, or rolled up in the soft pulp of an apple are soon swallowed down and digested. 9 9 William Gouge, Of Domestic Duties (London: W. Bladen, 1622), pp. 370–371 [paraphrased].

25. Maintain Unity of the Spirit “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3 NIV)