Unit 3: Couples

1. Unit 3: Couples Chapter 6: Marriage, Intimate Relationships, and Society Chapter 7: Intimate Relationships and Marriage Chapter 8: Relationship Issues and Trends

2. Chapter 8: Relationship Issues and Trends • Overview • Intermarriage • Same-sex relationships • Infidelity • Spousal violence • Divorce

3. Relationship Issues • Men and women undertake marriage with the hope of having a meaningful and enduring relationship that meets their needs with someone they love • The motivation to marry is partly a biological desire to form a sexual relationship • Perhaps to have children • The married couple is also the primary social group in most societies • People enjoy their social lives and interact with others as couples

4. Relationship Issues • The acceptance of romantic love as a basis for marriage underlines the expectation that marriage meets individuals’ need to be loved and desired and the reciprocal need to be exclusively with the one they desire • The focus on romantic love clouds the importance of marriage as a social, legal, and religious institution in Canadian society

5. Relationship Issues • Relationships that are outside the accepted norms of family or society appear to be less stable on the whole • Marriages between individuals from different social or cultural backgrounds are more likely to end in divorce, the legal dissolution of a marriage • Relationships between partners of the same sex also may face difficulties • Confusion based on gender roles from families of origin

6. Relationship Issues • Serious problems in negotiating mutually satisfying roles within a relationship might threaten the relationship’s stability • Violence and extramarital sexual relationships are problems involving one individual betraying the trust and respect that are the basis of committed relationships • When problems in a relationship seem overwhelming, couples may seek counseling, or the help of a third party, in negotiating solution to their problems • Divorce has become the solution to a failed marriage for about one-third of married couples in Canada • The various factors affecting the stability of relationships will be examined in this chapter

7. Intermarriage • Intermarriage, or heterogamy, is marriage between partners who are from different social, racial, religious, ethnic, or cultural backgrounds • Opposite of homogamy • Different characteristics are of greater concern in different parts of the world • Interracial marriages might be controversial in parts of the US • Interfaith marriage between a Catholic and a Protestant are of greater concern in Northern Ireland • Marriage between an Aboriginal woman and white man has some legal implications (involving status) in Canada

8. Intermarriage • Intermarriage, whether the difference is racial, religious, or ethnic, is becoming more common in Canada • There are currently no restrictions on intermarriage • There has been little research done on intermarriage in Canada • But it may be a factor that will affect a couple’s satisfaction with their relationship and its durability

9. Intermarriage • In a diverse society like Canada’s, children of all races, religions, and ethnic groups attend school together and grow up together • They are socialized together at school, community activities, and through exposure to media, in to a similar mass culture • Canadian society is quite successful at raising kids to be “colour blind” • To see others of a different race, religion, or ethnicity, as equal and similar in culture • Thus it is more likely that young people will meet, be attracted to, and fall in love with someone from a different background

10. Intermarriage • The differences, if there are any, between individuals of different races, religions, or ethnic backgrounds exist in their personal family lives • Intermarriage brings together two individuals who share similar contemporary culture • But discover they have different “roots” when they begin to negotiate the roles, rules, and rituals of their marriage • “Roots” are the different expectations, customs, roles, and rituals of family life

11. Intermarriage • Interracial marriages are the most visible forms of intermarriage • Research in interracial marriage reflects the concerns of the societies • In the US, prejudices about race have resulted in assumptions that individuals who marry someone of another race are motivated by: • Rebelling against their families • A desire to marry up by choosing someone of a more “desirable” race

12. Intermarriage • Clayton Majete, an American sociologist and anthropologist, disproved these assumptions in his research • When individuals have similar socio-economic backgrounds, racial differences have little impact on: • The aspirations of individuals • Their reasons for marrying • The daily routines of their married life • Interracial couples adjust to marriage as well as any couple does

13. Intermarriage • Couples in interfaith marriages in Canada face a different set of problems • Faith is a chosen attribute, unlike race, and it is possible to convert to another faith • Partners in an interfaith relationship usually have similar economic and educational backgrounds • But their family and social experiences might have been quite different • While interracial couples face the challenges of racism in society, interfaith couples face difficulties within their families and relationships

14. Intermarriage • Interfaith couples have to examine their personal and cultural value systems to negotiate the daily lifestyle they will share with each other • They must decide: • Whether to compromise some of their beliefs and customs or to accept their spouse’s beliefs and customs as well as their own • What faith identity to provide for their children • It is not surprising that interfaith marriages are more likely to succeed if at least one partner doesn’t practice his/her religion or is willing to convert

15. Intermarriage • Marriage between individuals of different ethnic background is the most complex form of heterogamy • Ethnicity can be a complex mixture of national and racial heritage, religion, and culture • In Canada, many people are “hyphenated Canadians” or have two cultures (ex: Japanese-Canadian) • Self-identification as a member of an ethnic group suggests that an individual adheres to the specific value system, family structure, and role expectations that are associated with that ethnic group

16. Intermarriage • The major variations among ethnic groups involve: • Gender roles within marriage and in the workplace • The independence and responsibilities of children • The relationship between the conjugal and extended family • Each of these affects how a couple will negotiate their relationship at each stage • Now that women are working outside the home, children are staying in school longer, and social programs are providing support for families, differences among ethnic groups are decreasing

17. Same-Sex Relationships • Over the past several decades there has been great resistance to the recognition of same-sex relationships • In recent years there has been a tremendous acceleration in the acknowledgement of such relationships • A survey released in April 2001 showed that 55% of Canadians supported same-sex marriages • Another in June 2001 shoed 65% supported them • The 2001 Canada census for the first time asked people whether they lived with a common-law partner of the same sex

18. Same-Sex Relationships • Same-sex relationships have always existed • In his discussion of love, the ancient Greek philosopher Plato suggested that early humans were essentially 2 people combined and that there were 3 sexes • Two male halves • Two female halves • One of each • As punishment for their misbehaviour, Zeus cut all humans into two people, each doomed to wander the Earth in search of his/her other half • Since then there have been homosexuals and heterosexuals all seeking their other half, the one person with whom they can share themselves and their lives

19. Same-Sex Relationships • In Plato’s Greece, homosexual relationships were commonplace and were considered normal • Today, the legal debate concerning same-sex relationships challenges society to examine the purpose of marriage and the role of intimate relationships in the lives of individuals • At the root of the debate is whether homosexuality is normal, and therefore, acceptable

20. Same-Sex Relationships • Some religious opponents of homosexual relationships quote the Bible to argue that God condemns them • Other religious scholars argue that the literal interpretation of the Bible no longer governs most sexual behaviour • Some scholars believe that God created homosexuality as normal behaviour for a minority of human being • Therefore, same-sex couples who wish to enter a relationship based on love and commitment should be able to have their relationship blessed within their faith

21. Same-Sex Relationships • Homosexual men and women want stable love relationships based on affection and companionship • Contrary to popular belief, same-sex relationships don’t mimic heterosexual gender roles • An individual’s gender identity is not affected by his/her homosexuality • Homosexual couples often negotiate their roles based on interests and personal strengths • Satisfaction with same-sex relationships depend on the same variables as heterosexual relationships • Mutual respect • Shared values and goal • Ability to manage conflict • Regardless of sexual orientation, individuals have the same expectations of their intimate relationships

22. Same-Sex Relationships • The debate about same-sex relationships can be viewed from several theoretical perspectives • Symbolic interactionism can be used to investigate how being homosexual affects individual identity and the nature of homosexual relationships • Systems theory can be used to explain how couples establish their lives together • Developmental theory can be used to illustrate how enduring same-sex relationships progress through a series of stages as couple adjust their relationships through the inevitable crises presented in the lifespan

23. Infidelity • Evolutionary psychologists’ studies suggest that it is inherent in the nature of humans to be unfaithful • Early man was motivated to have many sexual partners to enhance his chance of having offspring • Women tended to be very selective about her sexual partners to improve the chances of having the man stay to support their offspring

24. Infidelity • However the norms of Western societies define extramarital sexual relationships as unacceptable behaviour • Limiting sexual partners benefits a society because it strengthens the conjugal family, ensuring the greatest population growth and the support and socialization of offspring • Adultery does not work to the benefit of society, so people are taught that it is wrong

25. Infidelity • The majority of Canadians don’t approve of extramarital affairs • In an early 1980s survey, 3 out of 4 men and women considered extramarital sex to be wrong under any circumstances • In 1998, a poll conducted by CBC found that 89% of men and women said it was “unacceptable” to have an extra marital affair • Family therapist Betty Carter writes that in all her years of counseling married couples, she has never seen a situation in which partners accepted an extramarital affair

26. Infidelity • The actual rate of sexual infidelity is more difficult to determine • “The Monogamy Myth” states that, based on informal surveys, 60% of men and 40% of women have had extramarital sex • The General Social Survey found that 23% of men and 12% of women in America have had extramarital sex • Based on these results, it seems that people do have extramarital sex, despite their opinion that it is unacceptable behaviour

27. Infidelity • Contrary to the excuses that evolutionary psychology might suggest, extramarital affairs don’t appear to be about sex • Psychologists and marriage counselors have found that individuals have affairs when their needs are not met in their marriages • Infidelity is more exciting than marriage, not because the sex is better, but because of the initial passion of a secret relationship, apart from the routine of everyday life

28. Infidelity • The behaviour of men and women differs when it comes to illicit sex • Men are more likely to have an extramarital relationship that is primarily sexual • Women are more likely to seek an “affair” based on romance and affection and to have sex only when they are “in love” • This explains why women are more tolerant of sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity in their partners, but men are more threatened by their partner’s sexual infidelity than by their emotionally intimate relationships

29. Infidelity • Infidelity results in divorce 65% of the time • Prior to the legalization of divorce, extramarital affairs were tolerated as a solution to unsuccessful marriages • As they have been in most societies for thousands of years • Now that couples can divorce, infidelity is the most common reason given for divorce • In some cases, counseling can help the couple recover from the affair and negotiate a better relationship • However, few relationships can completely recover from infidelity because it destroys the trust in the relationship

30. Spousal Violence • In 1999, 8% of women and 7% of men in marriage and common-law relationships in Canada reported that they had been the victim of violence, or the person mistreated, by their partner in the past 5 years • Since spousal violence was first defined as a problem in the 1970s, research has resulted in a better understanding of the nature of violence, and the differences between: • Ineffective conflict resolution skills or “arguments that get out of hand” • Systematic violence

31. Spousal Violence • Violence is any action that is intended to physically hurt someone, but it is only defined as a problem by the context • In the past, hitting a wife or child was considered acceptable, even necessary, discipline • In fact, the term “rule of thumb” dates back to the 19th century common law, which gave a man the right to use a stick no thicker than his thumb to chastise his wife, children, and servants!

32. Spousal Violence • In the early and mid-20th century, domestic violence was seen as a private matter • Police could lay charges only if they actually witnessed the assault themselves • Family and friends minded their own business • Women who sought help from their clergy were told to go home and work out the problem with their husbands • Early in the 20th century, women who left their husbands were guilty of desertion • They lost custody of their children and were entitled to no support • When divorce was legalized early in the 20th century, cruelty was grounds for divorce, but was difficult to prove

33. Spousal Violence • By the 1970s, the public opinion about violence had changed • Violence within intimate relationships is now legally defined as assault • Recent legal charges require that police respond to domestic violence calls and lay charges when there is evidence of assault

34. Spousal Violence • In the 1970s, spousal violence was regarded as ineffective conflict resolution • Power struggle between husbands and wives • Supported by the fact that spousal violence occurred in relationships of all socio-economic, religious, and ethnic backgrounds • Some people developed effective ways of settling their conflicts amicably • A minority of people used violent tactics

35. Spousal Violence • The intergenerational cycle of violence states that individuals who… • Experienced violence or abuse as a child, or • Who observed the assault or abuse of their mothers • …are more likely to become either victims or perpetrators of violence in their intimate relationships • Social role theory suggests that individuals learn how to behave in a role such as “wife” or “husband” by observing and imitating significant role models • Suggests violence is a learned behaviour

36. Spousal Violence • Social role theorists suggest that victims and perpetrators of violence can learn more effective ways of dealing with anger and resolving conflicts in order to break the cycle of violence, such as: • Counseling • Anger management • Communication • Conflict resolution skills

37. The Cycle of Violence

38. Spousal Violence • Why do women stay in violent or abusive relationships? • The cycle of violence showed that the violent phase of the cycle was followed by a period in which the perpetrator was apologetic and remorseful • It was possible for both partners to believe that the violence wouldn’t happen again • Systems theory explains that the couple had established a pattern of interaction that is difficult to change • Social exchange theory suggests the women stay because the consequences of leaving the relationship were worse than tolerating occasional assaults

39. Spousal Violence • Women usually experienced many bouts of violence before eventually leaving a violent spouse • Women’s shelters, transition houses, and counseling programs have been established in communities across Canada to help women break out of the cycle of violence and begin to establish a new life for themselves and their children

40. Spousal Violence • The understanding that spousal violence was a universal problem was challenged by the 1993 Violence Against Women Study • Suggested that poor men were twice as likely to beat their wives as well-off men • Half the perpetrators were under 29 years of age

41. Spousal Violence • The following key risk factors were identified: • Unemployment for more than one month • Personal bankruptcy • A drop in wage or salary • Taking an additional job to make ends meet • Child support or alimony payments that he did not have before • A move to less-expensive accommodations • Taking in a boarder to make ends meet • One or more demotions • Loss of income due to return to school • Some other important career setback • Some other significant negative change in economic circumstances • The presence of each of these factors increased the likelihood that a man would assault his wife

42. Spousal Violence • The rate of assault for men experiencing none or only one of these events was 8 in 100 men • For men experiencing six or seven of these events, the rate rose to 33 in 100 men (over 4X the lower rate) • Women were most at risk of violence is they were: • In newer marriages • Young • Living in a low-income household • Living with an unemployed man • Pregnant • Disabled • Ending or thinking of ending the relationship

43. Spousal Violence • These factors suggest a correlation between economic instability and domestic violence, but not causality • There is no proof that financial hardship makes people violent, but individuals in difficult financial situations are more likely to experience spousal violence

44. Spousal Violence • Kathleen Ferraro argues that the cycle of violence doesn’t sufficiently explain the progression of violence • She identified stages of engagement • Include two additional stages that might occur after the cycle is broken • The first additional stage is “terror” • Some women stay in violent relationships because their lives or the lives of their children have been threatened, but others attempt to leave and hide from their ex-partner • Some women are killed by their partners or ex-partners and some women kill their partners • The motive most often identified is jealousy – the belief that if he can’t have her, no one will

45. Spousal Violence • In Canada, social and legal systems provide support for victims of domestic violence • More women report assaults to the police (increased from 29% to 37% from 1993-1999) • Suggests greater faith that the criminal justice system will protect women • There is a policy of mandatory arrest for spousal violence • Shelters and counseling services offer support for abused women and assist them in starting a new life • In cases that indicate a clear threat of future violence courts issue restraining orders forbidding contact between the perpetrator and victim

46. Divorce • Divorce results from the failure of a marriage to meet the expectations of one or both marriage partners • The common perception is that divorce rates are higher than ever before and people should be concerned • In fact, divorce rates fluctuate to reflect: • The current social and moral values concerning marriage • The levels of control held by religion and state • Changes in the pattern of divorce in Canada can be explained by examining the changes in divorce law and in values related to marriage

47. Divorce • In the early 20th century, divorce was rare in Canada • In traditional marriages, the emphasis was on the economic, childrearing, and household responsibilities of marriage partners • The happiness of husband and wife was not considered • Divorce was only granted when one partner sued the other for the “matrimonial offences” or adultery or cruelty • Being divorced resulted in social embarrassment

48. Divorce • The development of romantic love as the basis for marriage and the changing economic role of women altered the criteria with which partners assessed their satisfaction with their relationship • The Divorce Act of 1968 allowed divorce for “marriage breakdown” after a separation of 3 years • Subsequently the divorce rate in Canada increased dramatically • In 1986, the period of separation was reduced to one year and “no-fault” divorce was introduced • Again the divorce rate increased, then steadily declined • It’s currently estimated that about one in three marriages will end in divorce

49. Divorce • Divorce occurs for many reasons, such as: • Basic incompatibility of couples that chose the wrong partner (often those who divorce in first 5 years of marriage) • Failure to adjust relationship through critical transitions in marriage (often those who divorce after 5 years of marriage) • A greater risk of divorce is associated with factors that could affect compatibility, such as: • Dissimilar backgrounds • Teenage marriage • Brief courtship • Pregnant bride

50. Divorce • The social exchange theory suggests that when the costs of the relationship are high, or the alternatives become more attractive than the marriage, individuals may choose to divorce • Divorced people identify many “costs” as the reasons for divorce • Personal reasons, such as incompatibility, irresponsibility, or immaturity suggests the couple was unable to adjust to their married status • Other factors, such as infidelity, sexual deprivation, and cruelty, result from deterioration of commitment to the relationship and to the partner