9 Things You Simply Must Do to succeed in Love and Life

1. 9 Things You Simply Must Do to succeed in Love and Life By Dr. Henry Cloud

2. 9 Characteristics • Dig It Up • Pull the Tooth • Play the Movie • Do Something • Act Like an Ant • Hate Well • Don’t Play Fair • Be Humble • Upset the Right People

3. Define Success • They Move Forward • They did not stay stuck, repeating the same mistakes over and over again • They reached their goals and found what they were looking for in life.

4. DIG IT UP

5. DIG IT UP • Story of the architects – pg 20-24 A déjà vu person spends time listening to what lies deep inside, looking for it, digging it up, and putting it into practice. He/She finds what lays deep in his/her heart, below the surface, and invests it in their life.

6. Dig It Up A déjà vu person: • Becomes aware of his/her dreams, desires, talents and other treasures of their soul. • Listens to them and values them as life itself. • Takes steps to develop them, beginning in very small ways. • Seeks coaching and help to make them grow.

7. Dig It Up Buried Treasure Causes • Traumatic Events • Lack of resources • Lack of opportunities • Family cultures/lifestyles There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul.

8. Dig It Up • A relationship • A career • Being part of a neighborhood or community • A fulfilling hobby or skill • Service and volunteer for a good cause • Church and spiritual pursuits • Creative pursuits It is our job to dig up whatever potential we have in whatever situation we are in, and to invest it and see it grow.

9. DIG IT UP Not all things buried are treasures: • Resentment • Anger • Conflict Your job is to dig it all up and then do one of two things with it: • Sow it (Plant it, water it, fertilize it) • Throw it away

10. PULL THE TOOTH

11. Pull The Tooth • Successful people don’t hold on to bad stuff for long. • They do not allow negative things to take up space – draining them of energy & resources. • If tooth is infected – pull it – immediately!

12. Bad Teeth • Distractions • Unresolved Problems • Things that are not bad – but not profitable or beneficial

13. PULL THE TOOTH Relationships Activities Costs Time

14. Why do we hesitate? • Fear of someone’s anger or hurt • Fear of judgment or disapproval • Fear of loosing the relationship – or love • Fear of confronting • Guilty feelings when confronting or dealing with consequences • Lack of knowledge or skills with conflict • Self-blame • Inability to let go

15. What to Do • Level 1: Spring Cleaning • Level 2: Facing Things: Fix it or let it go Pulling the tooth – getting rid of a painful problem – has added benefit of making room for a positive alternative.

16. PLAY THE MOVIE

17. Play the Movie Pay Now, Play Later Play Now, Pay Later

18. Play The Movie • Story – “The Watch”(pg 69-70) Déjà vu people rarely take any action without considering its future implication. They know how each scene contributes to the film’s good end.

19. Questions to ask • Does a particular scene alter the plot? • Does it take you to a scene you don’t want to live out? • Does it cause the movie to have a different ending?

20. Play the Movie • Lawyer story – pg 73 • Is your Movie a rerun? Weightloss Unhealthy relationship Insanity – Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The program works if you work the program.

21. Play the Movie Playing the movie = motivation preparation vision for the future • Relationships • Parenting • Morality • Health

22. DO SOMETHING

23. Do Something There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew. - Marshall McLuhan

24. Do Something You may always expect that someone else is going to make the first move to create the solution. And if they do not, you stay stuck in the problem, resentful and wishing life were treating you better. Déjà vu people ask themselves the question: What can I do to make this situation better?

25. Are you driving your life, or just along for the ride? • Proactivity • Locus of Control • Dependency • Ownership/Responsibility

26. Do Something To own my life means that it is mine and no other person’s. I can blame no one for what I do with it. I can blame them for what they do to me, but I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me. The Gift of Freedoms Relationships Finances Morality Spirituality Feelings Choices Attitudes Emotional Reactions Career Stress Addictions Guilt

27. ACT LIKE AN ANT

28. Act Like An Ant When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself. Isak Dinesen

29. ACT LIKE AN ANT • The ant is small • The activity of any individual ant seems to have little impact. • They achieve their goals by taking tiny steps over time. • They don’t get overwhelmed by the big picture.

30. ACT LIKE AN ANT Excuses: • I have never succeeded before, in spite of many attempts • The distance from here to there is too great • The goal is just too big • There are too messed up to have any hope • I don’t have the skills • I don’t have the resources (money, etc.) • I don’t have the time to accomplish it

31. HATE WELL

32. Hate Well What do you think that means?

33. HATE WELL What we love says what we will invest in, go for, move toward, give time and resources to, and orient ourselves toward with the best parts of who we are. Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.

34. HATE WEll Our Hatred Protects the Good • First, hate helps us to move against certain traits and issues • Second, hate causes us to protect what we value. • Third, hate moves us to destroy/get rid of the bad things that threaten the good.

35. HATE WELL • Hate in a way that solves problems – not creates them. • Successful people move against the problem and show love and respect to the person at the same time. Immune System Autoimmune = the immune system starts attacking the body itself instead of the disease • Successful people tend to hate in a certain way that does what a good immune system is suppose to do; it preserves life. • Non-successful people often fail because their hatred is not serving them or the things that they care about. Instead, it is doing the opposite – attacking and destroying the very things they care about.

36. HATE WELL I learned that if I refused to allow the really difficult people above me to get to me, and instead found out how to resolve the problems they faced, I always became valuable to them.

37. HATE WELL You Get What You Accept T. Pence

38. DON’T PLAY FAIR

39. Don’t Play Fair Playing fair will destroy every relationship you have in your life. What Does That Mean?

40. Don’t Play Fair • Playing fair means giving back what you are given: treatment - a hit, a remark, a jab…. • Successful people give back better than they are given. • Ask yourself what is most helpful • Get past your own need • Grace = unmerited/undeserved favor

41. BE HUMBLE

42. Be Humble Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right. Ezra Taft Benson

43. BE HUMBLE • Soap Story – pg 189-191 • Webster definition of humble: 1: not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive; 2: reflecting, expressing or offered in a spirit of deference or submission (a humble apology); 3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale; insignificant, unpretentious, b: not costly or luxurious. • Humility is not having a need to be more than you are.

44. BE HUMBLE How does humility contribute to success? • Humility identifies with others • Humility allows us to accept our own failures and mistakes as part of the processes itself. • Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail. • Successful people admit quickly when they are wrong. • Successful people receive correction and confrontation from others well

45. BE HUMBLE Giving It Up and Gaining It All • Apologize • Seek to listen and understand others • Get rid of defensiveness • Serve the people “under” you • Root out attitude of entitlement • Embrace your weaknesses & imperfections • Use failure as a teacher and friend • Be humble

46. UPSET THE RIGHT PEOPLE

47. Upset the Right People I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope

48. UPSET THE RIGHT PEOPLE • Déjà vu people do not make decisions based on the fear of other people. • What you should do, and what someone’s response is going to be, are two very different issues.

49. UPSET THE RIGHT PEOPLE Situations that may be tough: • Firing a person • Confronting a person • Saying no to a request that involves time, energy, money or other resources • Saying no because it violates one of your values • Telling someone he/she has overstayed their welcome. • Telling someone the truth that may be hard to take. • Breaking up with someone you are dating

50. UPSET THE RIGHT PEOPLE • The Difference between hurt and harm (p 222) • Guilt There is a direct correlation with people who are out of control in their lives and their hatred of the word no. (p 226) • Loss of approval or love