Lee had had enough.

3. A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, an evil force rose from the ancient dust in the sand. Moving across the face of the earth, it darkened the doors of innocent families – always leaving them in ruins because they did not obey her demand – to be displayed prominently. She moved from unknowing family to unknowing family, wreaking havoc. Until one day she was trapped in the sands of the Rhub al Khali desert. For hundreds of years she was buried in the shifting sand.

4. In 1987, she was plucked from the sands by a group of roving nomads. So as not to frighten the nomads, the evil force disguised itself as a doll - Linda the singing Doll, complete with a box and pink dress, whom when you moves her left arm she sings and when you moves her right hand she walks and moves head. The nomads, upon seeing her beauty, realized at once her value. They sold her to a merchant who then placed her for sale in the souk in Riyadh. Some Indian laborers passing through the souk in search of a gift for their handsome and benevolent boss saw the doll. They immediately purchased Linda for their boss’s daughter.

5. The handsome and benevolent boss presented the doll to his daughter. Upon seeing the doll, the daughter immediately began screaming. Because children are innocent, and know evil when they see it, the daughter was scared out of her mind by the evil doll. Each time she saw Linda, she screamed her head off. Louder and louder, much to the consternation of her parents, who kept insisting that she play with the doll (whom when you moves her left arm she sings and moves her right arm she walks).

6. The handsome and benevolent boss finally gave up and put the doll away. Somehow, it was inadvertently packed up and brought from the Middle East to America. Wonder how she got in the shipment? Once this evil spirit came to the land of opportunity, she made a habit of reappearing roughly three times a year. She came in disguise to mask the evil that she represents.

7. She passed for 10 years from owner to owner, but none obeyed her command to be prominently displayed. Not only did they fail to display her, but sometimes they even forgot to pass her. She became so mad, she broke free of her doll disguise and her evil spirit escaped. Over the last year, she has been rumored to be living in the woods of Reston, Virginia. Something must change...

8. Lee had had enough. Not only had the doll tried to kill her, now she heard the same tune over and over and over. The only way to break free was to find the doll and stop the madness...

9. Well, the first thing you know, old Linda’s out of there. The kin folk said just feed her to the bears. They said the nature center is the place you ought to be. So they loaded up the truck with Jeff, Al, and Lee. Campin’ that is. Evil dolls. Photographs. The Linda Blair Witch Project. (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies.)

10. First, they looked for clues. They started with the parents...

11. Some couldn’t believe mature adults wasted their time with such nonsense. “There you go. He’s forty-one and still playing with dolls.”

12. Some just looked at each other and said, “I raised my kid to play with dolls. Where did I go wrong?”

13. Others just got a headache thinking about it.

14. Then, the kids chimed in...

15. One just looked at them in abject disgust.

16. Two simply couldn’t believe their parents spent more time with a stupid doll than they did with their kids.

17. The youngest just tried to keep his mother from rambling on and on about that $%&*ing doll.

18. So they set off in search of the elusive Linda Blair Witch.

19. To preserve it all for posterity, they brought their crack photographer…

20. Clearly something was amiss…it was a sticky situation.

21. Fortunately, there was a big stud to protect them…

22. They walked… And walked… For days... And days… Because… they lost the #$%^ing map.

23. And then they saw the $%^&ing sticks…

24. Lee took off like a $%^&ing cheetah.

25. It scared the #$%^ out of Jeff.

26. Ditto for Al.

27. Never mind. We won’t go there.

28. What is @#$%ing going on here? Was it the sticks? Was it the evil that they searched for? Or, maybe just the Foster’s?

29. It continued to be a sticky situation.

30. The big stud wasn’t.

31. They thought they heard music. Jeff screamed, “Run away!!!”

32. And, that’s all that was left of Jeff and Al.

33. Lee was #$%^ing all alone. “It’s all by #$%^ing fault. I should have never brought everyone out here. I’m so #$%^ing scared. Was that a noise?“ And then she heard it….

34. London Bridge is falling down Falling down, falling down London Bridge is falling down My fair lady The men have failed to put me out Put me out – put me out For ten long years I sit and pout Revenge is coming To break the cycle change the dates Change the dates, change the dates To spousal birth I go from mates On the wives’ birthdays.

35. A year later, near the Vernon J. Walker Nature Center the film was found. Scratched into the wall was...

36. Here’s the deal: • The doll is pissed. She was neither displayed prominently nor passed punctually. • Now Linda demands to be passed on our spouses’ birthdays. • Today is October 12th. It’s Lee’s birthday and Bud gets the doll. • Bud gives it to Allen on Katharine’s birthday. • Allen gives it Jeff on Shirley’s birthday • Jeff gives it back to Bud on Lee’s birthday. • Got it? You might want to write this down.

37. Don’t appreciate the humor? Just don’t get it? • Get a babysitter (call Shirley). • Go see The Blair Witch Project. • Check out www.blairwitch.com • Visit the Vernon J. Walker Nature Center (off Glade Drive in Reston). Look at the wall on the south side of the Visitor Center. • Simply accept the fact that your friends are so #$%^ing talented. • FYI, Allen and Jeff agreed to this new rotation. You live in America. Majority rules.