Change and Conflict: Ask Jesus for Help in Daily Difficult Conversations

1. Change and Conflict: Ask Jesus for Help in Daily Difficult Conversations Tim Ahlman

2. Did Jesus fear change and conflict?

3. Do you fear change and conflict? On a scale of 2-10 how much do you thrive on change and conflict?

4. Change = conflict What is the average LCMS pastor’s comfort level with conflict? Harrison Behavioral Assessment - 2-10 scale - 3.5 is the LCMS pastor average.

5. What are the implications of conflict avoidance? • Minimal Missional Movement - the pull to “take care of our own” is strong • Strong Lay Leaders stop bringing their concerns/ideas to pastor and team. • The pastor may control the mission with a closed, rather than an open, fist. • Passive Aggressive behavior may ensue. • The congregation declines as leaders leave. • The pastor burns out as the rest of the congregation is content to allow the pastor to “do” all of the ministry, rather than empower leaders.

6. Why is change and conflict so necessary to discuss? • Our church body is declining. • Leaders (pastors and elected leaders) are seemingly unable to explore new models/systems that could have significant kingdom impact. This would require change and conflict. • Jesus yearns to develop new things...if we’re open to listen and act. • New things will lead to change and conflict.

7. Do I see myself as a kingdom-expanding change agent?

8. 5 Strategies for becoming a kingdom-expanding change agent

9. Let someone into your “inner” world who is outside of your “vocational” world

10. 2. Hold your change vision with an open hand

11. 2. Hold your change vision with an open hand • The Snowball Vision Effect • Test your vision in smaller groups. • Refinement will occur as you hold the vision with an open hand. • When it become public (sermons, large meetings) many will say, “I thought we were already doing this?” • 10/80/10 Rule • Invite refinement by the team(s) to make up the 80% of the change vision • Say, “I only have 10% of change vision.” • After the 80% is shared by the team be willing to provide the last 10% of clarity to the change vision.

12. 3. Dream with Your Team

13. 3. Dream with Your Team The Three Consistent Leadership Questions • Where are we going? (Vision) • How are we going to get “there”? (Strategy) • How well are we loving one another on the way to “there”? (Culture) Failing to address any of these three questions will lead to Vision and Execution Drift. Which question is your church/organization most in need of answering at this time?

14. 4. Ruthlessly Monitor Your Wellness Rhythms/Habits

15. 4. Ruthlessly Monitor Your Wellness Rhythms/Habits • Daily spend time in God’s Word. • Daily move your body. • Daily eat what God naturally gave. Why is this a big deal? • The brain and energy benefits are exponentially enhanced for those who seek holistic health!

16. 5. Never Stop Voraciously Learning

17. 5. Never Stop Voraciously Learning • Learning creates Humility “The world is so big! I have so much more to learn!” • Learning pushes you to need a Team “There is no possible way I can be strong in every area of my life! Can you help us? ” • Learning appropriately positions inevitable Conflict “I have so much to learn! I do not have everything figured out. Let’s work on it together.”

18. Do you do conflict well? Does the LCMS do conflict well?

19. 5 Tips for Doing Conflict Well

20. Understand the 3 conversations within the 1 conflicted conversation • The “What happened?” Conversation • The Feelings Conversation • The Identity Conversation

21. 2. Stop trying to be right! Instead, explore one another’s stories! • Resist the simple solution. Stories are dynamic and complex. You are each “actors/participants” in the other’s personal story. • We each try and make sense of our personal story. We don’t have all of the information for the other’s story. • Move from certainty to curiosity. • Embrace both stories. Resist either/or. Choose “and” rather than “but.”

22. 3. Find your Contribution to the Conflict • Abandon blame. • Blame is about judging. Blame looks backwards. • Contribution is about understanding. Contribution looks forward. • Finding your individual contribution makes resolutions possible. • There is always joint contribution in conflicted conversations. • Finding your contribution does not mean you stuff your hurt feelings. • Practice Role Reversal • “What would they say I’m contributing?” • Get in their skin...and then back into your skin.

23. 4. Seek a balanced conflict perspective • Here are the two extremes: • “Shifters” - have a very hard time seeing their own contribution to the conflict. • They consistently play the helpless “victim” card. • They struggle with blame. • “Absorbers” - tend to feel responsible for everything. • They are very aware of their negative actions. They hyper focus on their own contributions. • They struggle with personal shame. • What extreme do you lean toward? Knowing this can help you put a plan together to get balanced. This will help you list each of your contributions to the conflict.

24. 5. Identify your “normal” and “stressed” responses • Health equals having high amounts of both aggressive and passive behavioral traits. • You don’t have only have one or two ways to respond...but you can actually have a third/balanced way. • I.E. “Frank and Diplomatic” - “Forthright Diplomacy” should be strived for, rather than simply being “blunt” or “evasive.” • Most of us are higher in “aggressive” or “passive” traits. • Stress/conflict can lead us to “flip” and respond in uncharacteristic ways. • Normally passive leaders can become passive aggressive. • Normally aggressive leaders can become aloof and evasive.

25. Resources • Unite Leadership Consulting Services • Cultural Coaching • Strategic Vision Execution • Tim Ahlman - tahlman@cglchurch.org • The Harrison Behavioral Assessment Tool • Helpful for personal and team behavioral growth • Contact Tim Ahlman • Book: “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” • Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen