“In my face…ways to engage with people in difficult situations”

1. “In my face…ways to engage with people in difficult situations” Peter Burton Staff Conference 1/5/08

2. Giving information Giving information • Meet and greet the other person • Say who you are • Say where you work • What you / your service has to offer / can do • Emphasis on the positive • Time allowed 1 minutes each person Staff Conference 1/5/08

3. If we have a commitment to Equality and we value Diversity – it will show in our communication. We will: • Respect others and value the richness that difference brings • Recognise that others have different life experiences and see life / the world differently • Acknowledge that other people legitimately hold different Values and Beliefs • Take responsibility for ourselves – our intention, our actions and the consequences • Be prepared to adjust our communications • Not be ‘a bystander’ where there is difference and conflict Staff Conference 1/5/08

4. Exercise on conflict- Keep your attention in the present • We need to ensure that we have as much information as possible when we respond to others • Who says and does what, where, when, how, (why)? • Clear non-judgemental observations: • Clarify the mind • Open connection • Establish shared ground • Help to sift interpretations • Is part of taking responsibility Staff Conference 1/5/08

5. Noticing: What is said - and what is not ! (7%) How it is said - and how it is not ! (38%) Body language (55%) Albert Mehrabian 1960s Staff Conference 1/5/08

6. CONFLICT RESOLUTION GRID High Collaborate Compete Your Needs Accommodate Compromise Avoid Low High Their Needs Staff Conference 1/5/08

7. ASSERTION GRID High Aggressive Assertive My Needs Passive Passive Aggressive / Manipulative Low High Their Needs Staff Conference 1/5/08

8. The Disconnection Model – ways to cause difficult situations • Blame people • Impose our judgement on people • Label people • Demand things from people • Deny responsibility for our choices / actions • Compare people Staff Conference 1/5/08

9. Acting Attending Skills for handling situations with confidence Broken record Rapport Making Requests Listening Giving information Questioning Push Skills Pull Skills Staff Conference 1/5/08

10. Rapport • To aid communication we ‘mirror’ and ‘match’ the other person - using posture, body language, gestures, language, speaking tone and pace, breathing, eye contact • We ‘pace’ to engage the other person • We ‘lead’ to change communication or the emotional state of others • We ‘mismatch’ - to interrupt / end communication Staff Conference 1/5/08

11. Listening Active listening What can make it difficult for us to listen actively: • Speed of thought • Most people talk at 125 words while our brains can process 800 words in this time. The brain often searches for some activity to occupy it • Distractions • Environmental barriers and distractions • The way the other person speaks • Voice, language, structural challenges • Our processing • Word triggers, preconceptions, resistance, • Our interruptions Staff Conference 1/5/08

12. Listening • People who really listen reflect upon the content of the message and search for meaning. They suspend judgment while they: • listen through the words for the central ideas • notice what is not being said • mentally summarise what the person has been saying • consider the evidence presented by the speaker • try to understand the central point of the argument • observe the non-verbal communication of the speaker in order to get a better understanding of the total message • give signals to show that they are listening Staff Conference 1/5/08

13. Questions which promote understanding for the other person Have you ever…….. I wonder if you…….. Do you ever think…… Why do you……………………. How important is………… How does that fit with….. What are you thoughts about…… Questions which promote understanding for us Who……… What…….. When………. Where……. How……….. Why………. Question power: Questioning Staff Conference 1/5/08

14. Open Closed Leading Probing Multiple Limiting Reflecting back Summarising Questioning Questions types: Staff Conference 1/5/08

15. The 5 R technique Making Requests • Reflect • Take time to consider your motives and to choose your approach • Report • Say exactly what is happening - be specific and objective • Relate • Relate the effects of the behavior and the emotional impact on you • Request • Request in concrete terms what you need to be different • Results • Spell out the positive consequences of the change being made Staff Conference 1/5/08

16. Requests Making Requests • Requests involve asking others to do / not do something and are strategies to meet our needs • Requests are more likely to be met if they: • Are clear / unambiguous • Are specific • Offer a choice / indicate flexibility • Are positive (do’s not don’ts) • Are do-able • Are not presented as a demand Staff Conference 1/5/08

17. Making Requests language for requests • I need…. • I would like….. • It would help me…. • Would you be prepared to… • I want….. • It is important for me to …… • I really find it helpful when…. • I enjoy….. • I value….. • I appreciate…….. • I feel energised when…. • Your own ? Staff Conference 1/5/08

18. Broken record The broken record Example: In response to stay and work and extra 2 hrs • I am sorry • I cannot stay late • I have a prior arrangement • I am happy to help you tomorrow • Repeat these – in any order - until your message sinks in Staff Conference 1/5/08

19. For the curious - some further reading • Resolving Conflict pocketbook ISBN 1-903776-06-6 • Emotional Intelligence pocketbook ISBN 1-870471-95-4 • What is Transactional Analysis ISBN 1870258-436 • Influencing with Integrity ISBN 1-89983-601-2 • Non Violent Communication M Rosenberg • Influencing skills Jenny Rogers Staff Conference 1/5/08

20. Acting Notes: Saying no Making Requests Giving information Push Skills Staff Conference 1/5/08

21. Notes: Attending Rapport Listening Questioning Pull Skills Staff Conference 1/5/08

22. Staff Conference 1/5/08

23. What would you say / do? • A neighbor calls to ask you to ask you to subscribe to a political magazine • You arrange to meet a colleague for a meal - they turn up an hour late without apology • You are served a cold coffee in a café - there is a big queue at the counter • The salesman insists that you take out the 10 year warrantee – “if you have any sense” • At your party - someone’s partner produces cocaine and starts to share it around • Your teenager wants to go with college friends to ‘a rave’ in Newcastle • Someone you loaned money to shows no intention of paying it back • Your boss wants you to work late again -you hoped for an early evening at home • Someone in your office smells terribly- you can barely work. They seem unaware • Someone in your office keeps comparing you unfavorably with the last person to do your job • At the check out someone jumps your queue and the cashier starts to serve them • A friend keeps speaking on the phone – you want to get on with a job • A television engineer – still hasn’t returned your set – after two telephone promises Staff Conference 1/5/08

24. LIFE POSITIONS E Berne 1972 Staff Conference 1/5/08

25. Group Introductions : • Your name and job / place of work • Complete the following “By the time this workshop ends I would like……………..” • Two surprising things about you, one true and one false Staff Conference 1/5/08

26. Exercises – Listening and questioning Staff Conference 1/5/08