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The Calvin and Hobbes Times

The Calvin and Hobbes Times. (Date here) 0¢. CALVIN WINS. POSTER CONTEST. Judges Astounded By Quality; Boy Rakes In Cash, Shares With Tiger. Classmates Shamed By . Wunderkid’s Incredible. Talent.

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The Calvin and Hobbes Times

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  1. The Calvin and Hobbes Times (Date here) 0¢ CALVIN WINS POSTER CONTEST Judges Astounded By Quality; Boy Rakes In Cash, Shares With Tiger Classmates Shamed By Wunderkid’s Incredible Talent THE world of art has a new phenomenon this morning after Calvin Watterson beat a world-class field to win the Ohio Safety Poster Contest. …Calvin, who can normally befound in his classroom at Elementary School, walked off with the $5.00 prize to honor his outstanding achievement with his new state motto: “Be Careful, or be Roadkill!” …Calvin was nominated for the award by his teachers, who all attended the ceremony to show their support for their blond-haired role model. and friends had earlier written to the judging panel, outlining why they thought Calvin was the best to win the contest. …“We always knew Calvin was the best artist in the school,” said Hobbes Watterson, “now we know he’s the best in the world also!” …Calvin now literally has the world at his feet. The Universal Press Syndicate are already known to have made sponsorship offers to use the Calvin name said to be in excess of $1 million. One spectator leaving yesterday's event said “That guy’s definitely gonna sell one heck of a lot of comic books”.

  2. It’s History! HOBBES, ACE HISTORIAN. DISCOVERS THAT THE FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT WAS CHEF BOYARDEE friends and family, he could not conceal his absolute delight at the result. According to the usually reliable polls, it was still Washington who was expected to edge Boyardee in the race to the White House. However, a rousing and emotional address to the nation by Boyardee's accomplice was the turning point of the campaign. …Amazingly, Mr. Boyardee was only recently persuaded to stand for election by his advisor, following an unexpected resignation of a Senator four months earlier. Chef Boyardee's campaign was huge. He received enormous support and funding from a number of high figures. …The British Prime Minister, William Pitt the Younger, was one of the first to congratulate Chef Boyardee that night, saying he believed the American people had chosen the right man to lead the States for the next few years. That night, the modest chef promised to stay loyal to his manifesto by saying “My first priority is to abolish alcoholic beverages such as beer, wines and spirits!” …He didn’t learn his lesson. One night as he set into bed, an alcoholic had stuffed a flashbang grenade under his bed, which detonated on the spot. Boyardee said his eyes felt very strange for several hours. I consider it a miracle he survived! HOBBES is renowned as the wisest historian in his house. But has he gone too far this time?! Read on to find out how our first President was Chef Boyardee… Until a few months ago, EttoreBoiardi - better known as Chef Hector Boyardee - was not even nominated to stand in the Presidential Election. But following my most recent investigations, he was in fact America's first ever President! …Boyardee took power on the morning of the 30th April 1789. Neither George Washington nor John Adams came close to the Presidency and Boyardee won by a huge majority. There were scenes in the town of Cleveland, Ohio, when the other candidates conceded defeat at around 2.30am that morning, having lost all the Bible Belt states. The former chef was euphoric. Surrounded by his

  3. The Page Three Tiger LOCAL PARADE FOR POSTER WINNER Calvin Drives Fire Engine; Few Injured JUBILANT crowds lined the streets yesterday as Safety Poster Contest Winner Calvin drove a fire truck haphazardly through town in a victory celebration. …With bells ringing and sirens screaming, the young lad careened over curbs and across lawns at speeds in excess of 50 mph. Onlookers dove for cover, and amazingly, few people were injured in the onslaught. … “This is a disaster!” the Vice-President spoke out early this morning. “I own the fire engine, how dare he take hold of it when it isn’t his to use?” … “This EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW Boy Tells Secret Of Greatness CALVIN has told us his secret: …“My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits, about which I have many profound insights. …“But frankly, none of it is any of your darn business, so butt out!” COMPETITION!!!!! Find this text in 5 strategically placed points around the paper. When you’ve done that, mail us with proof at the usual address, and we’ll send you a prize!!! (We’ll think of one when we get to you.) (magnified x2) Home Video Version Not In 3D.

  4. SPACE ALIEN WEDS TWO-HEADED ELVIS CLONE

  5. SHOCK EXCLUSIVE!!! Calvin sees the first robin of spring!

  6. Weather backcast Weather Backcast Instead of printing what the weather will be in the future, and getting it all wrong, we’ve printed what the weather was like last week, and we’ve got it all right!! MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY

  7. TELEVISION NEWS Continues after ‘The Calvin Interview’ NEW FACE FOR Love is Blind 53 YEAR OLD FROM WOODSIDE SET TO RESCUE SOAP – AS A VILLAIN WHEN Love is Blind's ratings began to drop six months ago, CalTV bosses decided it was time the show had a new, real-life face. And that they got! …The Director, Martha Heinz, came across her new star whilst taking a break in Woodside. Cutting short her vacation Mrs. Heinz returned to the city, bringing with her the latest addition to the LiB cast. The identity of the new acting talent was revealed last night, and it’s LES GRAHAM, who is to take the role of the fiendish DENZIL WATSON in America’s only six-day soap. …Graham will join the show next week in an attempt to spice up what has recently been criticised for dull storylines and distasteful actors. …“We’re all very excited about this!” said Dave Yorker, the head of the LiB production team. “Love is Blind has a history of developing acting talent, but I don’t think we’ve ever had anyone as naturally talented as Les on the cast. He’ll bring something totally alarming to the show and I know the American public will love to hate him.“ …CalTV bosses are remaining tight-lipped about how Les will be introduced into the show, but early indications suggest he will stumble into DCAH after years in hiding. He will have a blazing row with Frank Triberus, played by Will Treachery, before staging a false robbery at a bank. CalTV are known to be keen to add darker scenes to the show utilising all of Graham’s assets. TRIBERUS MAN TO RESURRECT LONG-LOST SHOW AFTER 5 YEARS You’ll never get me out of the Vic!! FRANK Triberus is to write a new episode of the old 80’s cartoon Whatever Happened to Robot Jones? …The show has not been on air for five years. …Frank told us “There’s no better time than this year to do it since it's been 10 years since the pilot first appeared!” …He went on to say “I’ll have to watch all the episodes first, to get a feel of the series.” He has asked anyone with information on the episodes to come forward. …On a less optimistic note, a Times spokesman said “He ain’t gonna do it.” Frank Triberus RJ hasn’t been on air since 2005 Les Graham as Dirty Denzil Watson Home Video Version Not In 3D.

  8. The Calvin Interview

  9. WHEN Love is Blind's ratings began to drop six months ago, CalTV bosses decided it was time the show had a new, real-life face. And that they got! The Director, Martha Heinz, came across her new star whilst taking a break in Woodside. Cutting short her vacation Mrs. Heinz returned to the city, bringing with her the latest addition to the LiB cast. The identity of the new acting talent was revealed last night, and it’s LES GRAHAM, who is to take the role of the fiendish DENZIL WATSON in America’s only six-day soap. …Graham will join the show next week in an attempt to spice up what has recently been criticised for dull story lines and distasteful actors. • Today’s Recipe: • A Recipe for a Total Disaster. • **Warning: contains stupidity in gracious amounts** • A box of Cookie Crisp cereal • Milk • A block of Weetabix (organic or conventional) • Lemonade • Open both cereal packs. • Pour a helping of Cookie Crisp in a bowl. • Drop a block of Weetabix in the bowl. • Pour milk into the bowl. • Pour lemonade in bowl till it overflows! • Eat… but… very carefully... • Serves 2-3 people a hearty breakfast. You may also want to serve with a lemon in a glass of water. • I am not liable for any bad-tasting recipes. Blame it on the cook!! • ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Recipe Corner

  10. TELEVISION LISTINGS Details of tomorrow's TV programme schedules

  11. TELEVISION REVIEWS Frank Triberus’ detailed, in-depth analysis of PowerPoint presentations Calvin & Hobbes and the Christmas Party Back in the old days, when Digital Calvin and Hobbes PowerPoint was actually something new, Andrew Martin created this classic. Even with older Microsoft Office software, Andrew’s scriptwriting shone throughout this. None of that hassle of waiting for the slide to appear either – Andrew proves you needn’t have a true background to make a great PPT – anyway, the premise here is (as so in the title) a Christmas party. It was pretty much a hit when it came out, you know, and makes perfect use of ClipArt. I’m not so sure about the Irn-Bru bit, though, seeing as it doesn’t actually exist in the USA… but. VERDICT: Fantastic! – A- Home Video Version Not In 3D. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Calvin & Hobbes Edition I personally made this one, and when I did, I thought it was a masterpiece. But now I’m older and wiser, I realise that no, it’s not good. In fact, I deliberately had to make it bad so that 2waytraffic (the owners of the Millionaire franchise) wouldn’t chase me for it! It was meant to be based after the US Primetime series, but it does it quite badly – the lights go down at the wrong time, the set looks terrible, and so do the graphics… and there’s no sound! I came under heavy fire for no sound. Well, I would create a new and better edition, if only there wasn’t such a heavy restriction set by 2waytraffic… VERDICT: I should’ve known better! – D

  12. A problem sent to Calvin (our advice columnist) is by no means a problem solved. I have Writer’s Block!Dear Calvin, I’m stuck for ideas for my newest comic! Can you give me a few ideas?!Uncle Max – Chagrin Falls, OH Calvin: “Stop whining and get a life, bozo!” I hate my college!Dear Calvin, my college really irritates and saddens me. I'd really love to give it up, but I need the money! What can I do?Frank Triberus – England, UK Calvin: “Don’t tell me your stupid problems. I’ve got plenty of my own!” They won't let me go home!Dear Calvin, last week I checked into a motel in Texas. However, I now wish to leave, but the staff won’t let me go. What can I do? I've got another bank robbery planned for Monday night!Honest Jim – Houston, TX Calvin: “Go soak your head, you big baby.” I love 4kids TV!Dear Calvin, I really enjoy 4kids TV. Is there any hope for me?!?! Some Sad Person – Sacramento, CA Calvin: “Want some advice? Drop dead!” The Advice Column Agriculture Ace Farmer Concerned About Options

  13. Classified BIRTHDAYS DEATHS LOST/FOUND WANTED New dad wanted. Frequent traveller preferred, liberal views on discipline a must. Ask for Calvin during normal work hours. FRANK Suddenly on Feb. 26.1995 Gunned down at his office. “And all for deer food!” LOST: My tiger, “Hobbes” On the quiet side. Somewhat peculiar. A good companion, in a weird sort of way. CALVIN’S GOOD DUPLICATE Disappeared suddenly on Apr. 26.1991 “Oops! I had an evil thought!” Dad’s Rooster Kilt by Donald Duck It’s my birthday next week. Don’t forget it. Find meeeee!!!! Can't you see me? AH HA HA HAHA…. ADVERTISMENTS Shakespeare's Pizza Coupon $3.00 off your next order at May be combined with other offers Not valid with any other offer. HONEST JIM’S HONEST CARS Used Cars - Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Auto Repair Service - Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Home Video version not in 3D. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. $100 (or nearest offer) No matter what your jacket is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. $6.00 in any good store Hot drinks to take out or sit in. Free ducks. You catch.

  14. Town Hall Razed, Statue of Calvin Commissioned for Site

  15. Poetry Corner

  16. SPORT ONE WORD: SCANDAL IN ATLANTA! A disturbing event took place on the NASCAR Atlanta Motor Speedway in Hampton, GA yesterday. One of our fine competitors, George “Calvin” Surebirt, had just finished two in a 328 lap course around the racetrack, when suddenly he drove over into the pit stop and rammed straight into several other cars! Minor injuries were sustained to the drivers, Jim McDonald, Gail Roland and Kelly Bank. When pressed as to why this happened, a bedraggled Surebirt responded “Forgot to brake… sorry…” Concerned NASCAR personnel rushed in to help the unfortunate drivers. Sources confirm that they, although beaten by the crash, were able to remove themselves from the mangled wreck of their vehicle. Jim McDonald commented “Ha hahahahehheh…heh. Sorry. It's just that that was so…so…. HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Miraculously, Surebirt, McDonald, Roland and Bank did not require hospital care. Instead they went and bought some more airbags for their cars. Home Video Version Not In 3D. Sorry, I forgot about this section. Oh well, never mind. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

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