Myths About Custody and Domestic Violence

1. Myths About Custody and Domestic Violence Joyanna Silberg, Ph. D. Oct 23, 2009 Domestic Violence in Families, DC Courts

2. October 20, 2009Peoria mother whose body was found Friday had recently tried to leave Arizona after receiving threats from her apparent slayer, but a judge denied her request, court records show. Court records show Padilla granted Axsom a protective order against Schwartz four days before the Oct. 6 hearing where he ordered her to attend parental counseling with him and denied her request to relocate to Maryland with the pair’s son.

3. 3 Children Found Slain in Baltimore Hotel RoomSilver Spring Father Is in Police Custody; He Was Involved in Custody DisputeBy Daniel de Vise and Elissa SilvermanWashington Post Staff WritersMonday, March 31, 2008; B01Three young children from Montgomery County were found slain in a hotel room in Baltimore yesterday, shortly after their father called the front desk to report that he had killed them, Baltimore police said.The father, Mark Castillo, 41, of Silver Spring, was in police custody at a Baltimore hospital last night. Court records available online show that he was involved in divorce and child custody proceedings with the children's mother, Amy A. Castillo, 42, a pediatrician in suburban Maryland.

4. Police think man killed his 2 children, himselfRegional Digest Originally published April 4, 2007A mother discovered the bodies of her two young children and their father yesterday afternoon in a wooded area of Montgomery County, an incident that police are calling an apparent murder-suicide. The mother called police at 3:11 p.m. to report "a possible suicide," after the children's father called her and was seemingly distraught over their relationship, said Montgomery County Police Officer Melanie Hadley. The father had called the mother yesterday and threatened "to harm their children," police said, and told her he would be in the area.

5. Domestic abuse:Monroe tragedy is chilling reminderLocal agencies work to educate community about violence in relationshipsMarsha Sillsmsills@theadvertiser.comIn the first six months of last year, 11 people in Louisiana died in murder-suicide events, according to a report from the Violence Policy Center, a national nonprofit focused on violence prevention education.Wednesday's news of a double murder-suicide in Monroe was a painful reminder of the horrific plight women trapped in abuse face.

6. Are these tragedies preventable?

7. The Committee for Justice for WomenNorth Carolina Studied custody awards in Orange County, NC over a 5 year period between 1983 and 1987. They reported that • “...in all contested custody cases, 84% of the fathers in the study were granted sole or mandated joint custody. • In all cases where sole custody was awarded, fathers were awarded custody in 79% of the cases. • In 26% of the cases fathers were either proven or alleged to have physically and sexually abused their children.”

8. By understanding hidden myths embedded in societal thinking which supports the power of theabuser.

9. Myths About Men who Batter and Seek Custody • These are just high conflict situations. • They have the children’s welfare at heart. • You can tell an abuser by a look, a profile, a test. • Allegations are drummed up as strategy. .

10. Myth 1: These are just high conflict situations.

11. Custody Battle Ends in Double Murder-SuicidePosted: Mar. 12, 2007 Clayton, North Carolina — A father and two children were found dead Monday afternoon at a Johnston County home in what authorities are calling a double murder and suicide.Authorities said Steven Henry, 35, from Garner, shot his 6-year-old daughter, Ashley, and 4-year-old son, Gregory, before turning a gun on himself.The slayings occurred outside the home of Dawn Henry -- Steven Henry's estranged wife and the children's mother -- on Vinson Road between Clayton and Wilson's Mills, authorities said.

12. Custody Battle Ends in Double Murder-Suicide. . . . The couple was engaged in a bitter custody battle, authorities said, and Dawn Henry contacted the Johnston County Sheriff's Office Monday morning after seeing her estranged husband's car in her driveway as she was returning home

13. Percentage of custody cases that are referred for trial: 20% Domestic violence is alleged in 75% of those, and often multiple abuse allegations.

14. APA PRESIDENTIALTASK FORCE, 1996 • Studies suggest that batterers are more likely than are nonbattering fathers to seek custody, especially of sons, and are as likely as are nonbattering fathers to prevail.

15. Shifting the Paradigm

16. Sorry, Mam, I can’t treat your black eye until I hear the mugger’s side of the story. Courtesy of Muggers for Justice

17. Myths About Men who Batter and Seek Custody • These are just high conflict situations. • They have the children’s welfare at heart. • You can tell an abuser by a look, a profile, a test. • Allegations are drummed up as strategy. .

18. Myth 2: They both have the children’s welfare at heart.

19. A police SWAT team would later find Hoffine dead, a suicide, about 10 hoursafter he ambushed and fired multiple shots into Evan as the boy was running with his high school cross-country team and coach in Ocean Beach. The murder-suicide came a week after Hoffine was served with a court order demanding he stay away from his son and Evan's mother. It also ordered him to surrender the four guns he owned. Union Tribune, Sept 6, 2003

20. In requesting the restraining order, Nash had told the court that Evan had told his therapist of threats from his dad, threats to kill Evan and himself. It was the therapist, Nash said, who urged her to seek the court order.

21. Meanwhile, the rancor between Nash and Hoffine may have been affecting Evan.

22. "His father seemed to care very much about him and stayed involved," said Alexis Lukas, supervisor of an anti-violence program in which Evan was active. "Evan loved his father."

23. Why is it important to recognize purposeful harm of children? Children are put at great risk physically and emotionally. The custody evaluator’s assessment may be the main source for all future decision-making for child. If missed then, child will never be safe.

24. Are these patterns rare? No. Part and parcel of litigation strategy for those accused of DV. DV allegations arise in 75% of contested custody.

25. Domestic Violence by Proxy A batterer with a history of using domestic violence or intimidation uses the child as a substitute when he no longer has access to his victim, the former partner

26. Domestic Violence by Proxy . He sees clearly that the easiest way to continue to hurt her is to assert his legal rights to control access to the child of his former partner.

27. Domestic Violence by Proxy Then by emotionally torturing the child and severing the child’s bond with the mother, he harms his intended victim, the child’s mother, in a way she cannot resist.

28. Domestic Violence by Proxy This gives him the powerful tool his is seeking to continue to stalk, harass and batter even without direct access to her.

29. What are the Tactics Used? • Threats of harm if the child shows positive bonds to the mother. • Physical or sexual abuse. • Emotional torture: Your mother hates you and wanted an abortion. • Destroying favored possessions. • Coaching the child to lie about mother. • Creating false documents. • Isolating the child from normal contacts.

30. Differences Between Dv by Proxy and Parental Alienation Parental Alienation is covert, subtle and unconscious. DV by Proxy is overt, conscious, acts are illegal or abusive. Parental Alienation has not been able to be tested as the processes are unobservable. DV By Proxy strongly associated with history of abuse, can be measured.

31. We don’t recognize harm inflicted on purpose because: Custody evaluators tend to assume both sides are well meaning. Psychopaths are skilled at impression management. For “good people”, it is a leap to imagine anyone would do this.

32. Use of Litigation To sever the bond To retaliate by impoverishing. To retaliate by harrassing. To retaliate by putting the mother in jail.

33. Child on plane screamed 'Mommy come get me!'March 7, 2007BEDFORD, Indiana (AP) -- "I've got her, and you're not going to get her."Beth Johnson heard those words from her ex-husband Monday, shortly before he crashed his rented single-engine plane into his former mother-in-law's southern Indiana home, killing himself and the couple's 8-year-old daughter.

34. On the morning of Sept. 9, 1999, Maryland State Police troopers found Richie dead inside the Jeep that Richard Spicknall had driven to the bridge over the Choptank River. Though nine hours had passed since Spicknall shot the children, Destiny was struggling to breathe, troopers said.In the taped interview that caused Lisa Spicknall to run from the courtroom, he said he was so devastated by the breakup of his family that he decided to commit suicide but shot his children first because he thought, "There's no way I'm leaving my children." Later in the interview, he said he killed them because he didn't want to see them grow up in a new familyWashington Post, July 5, 2006

35. Myths About Men who Batter and Seek Custody • These are just high conflict situations. • They have the children’s welfare at heart. • You can tell an abuser by a look, a profile, a test. • Allegations are drummed up as strategy. .

36. Myth 3: You can tell an abuser by a look, a profile, a test.

37. Pace said Johnson threatened his wife with a gun last summer in an effort to change her mind about the divorce. Mary Webb, who lived across from the Johnsons for about 12 years, . . . ."He said, 'I wouldn't hurt her, I wouldn't do that,' and I took his word for it," Webb said. "He didn't seem like that type of person at all."Webb said Johnson moved out in the fall under police supervision and was "very bitter about the divorce." He wanted custody of Emily but said he would settle for visitation rights, she said

38. Mack has failed fathers everywhere By DEAN TONG SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just completed a day's worth of tests I recommended to measure his propensity for violence and abuse.As expected at the time, he passed all the tests with flying colors.Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 were encouraging. He claimed his wife and her very aggressive and competent attorney were drumming up a story to gain the upper hand in their demands for custody and assets.”

39. American Bar Association • “Custody litigation frequently becomes a vehicle whereby batterers attempt to extend or maintain their control and authority over the abused parents after separation.… Be aware that many perpetrators of domestic violence are facile manipulators, presenting themselves as caring, cooperative parents and casting the abused parent as a diminished, conflict-inciting, impulsive or over-protective parent.”

40. How Do the Falsely Accused Act? • Continue to focus on child’s best interest. • Seek experts in therapy and sexual abuse. • Open to exploratory sessions with the child. • Do not put lawyers between therapist and themselves. • Do not minimize the child’s need for the mother, even if they dislike the mother.

41. How Do the Guilty Act? • They use their anger as a weapon to legitamize silencing any critics. • They blame, attack, diagnose the character of the mother, and do everything to interfere with child’s attachment to mother. • Allow their lawyer to make all decisions, communications with therapists.

42. Interviewing the Perpetrator of DV by Proxy Their greatest skill is manipulating others. Psychologists are their easiest prey. Flattery or threats, whichever they sense will work. Playing up the victim role is their key ploy. Partial denials. Non-abusive fathers do not want to sever child’s bond with mother.

43. PEOPLE MISUNDERSTAND THE MANIPULATIVE ANGER AND PROTESTS OF A GUILTY BATTERERAS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OVER A FALSE ACCUSATION

44. How can you tell? The behaviors are surprisingly similar between cases. Children cannot make these up easily. With history of alleged DV towards mother, be suspicious. Wonder who is benefiting from the litigation?

45. Past History Pattern usually begins when wife is pregnant. Physical violence or coercive control more overt after birth of child. Unusual childrearing for purpose of asserting control and breaking the bond. When mother ready to leave, threat she will never see her child again: a dream come true, can inflict more pain than her realized.

46. Interviewing the children Does your Mommy tell lies? Does your Daddy tell lies? What lies do they tell? What does Mommy think of Daddy? What does Daddy think of Mommy? Requiring parent to enable truth in your presence.

47. Interviewing the Perpetrator of DV by Proxy Their greatest skill is manipulating others. Psychologists are their easiest prey. Flattery or threats, whichever they sense will work. Playing up the victim role is their key ploy. Partial denials. Non-abusive fathers do not want to sever child’s bond with mother.

48. The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout • Aggression then crying for sympathy and taking the role of the victim are the key clues. • The victim stance works with lawyers, the public, the battered woman, evaluators, and judges.

49. Myth 4: Allegations Are Drummed up As a Strategy

50. Mack has failed fathers everywhere By DEAN TONG SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just completed a day's worth of tests I recommended to measure his propensity for violence and abuse.As expected at the time, he passed all the tests with flying colors.Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 were encouraging. He claimed his wife and her very aggressive and competent attorney were drumming up a story to gain the upper hand in their demands for custody and assets.”