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ADHD in LOVE

ADHD in LOVE. Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist 430 Exton Commons Exton, PA 19341 610280-7282 www.drjeffonline.co m. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein. Licensed Psychologist over 20 years. Author of four books including the popular Why Can’t You Read My Mind?

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ADHD in LOVE

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  1. ADHD in LOVE Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist 430 Exton Commons Exton, PA 19341 610280-7282 www.drjeffonline.com

  2. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein • Licensed Psychologist over 20 years. • Author of four books including the popular Why Can’t You Read My Mind? • ADHDer through and through. • Love is a Battlefield veteran.

  3. So What is ADHD? • Hyperactivity/Impulsivity symptoms. • Attention problems. • For many (by some estimates 2/3) accompanying issues such as self-esteem concerns, anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. • Neurological vs. psychological. • With ADHD, though, neurology becomes psychology.

  4. The Two Big ADHD Problems for Relationships • Self-Soothing. • Hard for ADHDers to feel calm, this stresses relationships. • ADHDers may find unhealthy ways to self-soothe and this creates relationship angst. • Problem-Solving. • When hard for ADHDers to problem solve, partner has to. • Unfinished projects, random ways of doing things can seem illogical and frustrating to partners.

  5. Understanding is Crucial • Understanding more important than love. • ADHDers benefit from understanding how they are misunderstood and what partners go through. • Partners of ADHDers benefit from understanding ADHD “Cannots” vs. “Choose Nots.” • Truly takes wisdom to know the difference.

  6. Toxic Thoughts Rampant In ADHD Relationships • “He only listens when it is convenient for him.” • “She is never content, always restless and needs excitement.” • “He always has to do everything immediately and has the patience of a child.” • “She ‘s a cluttered, disorganized mess, I can’t trust her to get things done.”

  7. Learn, Learn, Learn about ADHD Relationships • Educate about ADHD (ADHDer and partner). • Also realize adults diagnosed with ADHD may have other challenges (anxiety, depression, substance abuse). • Managing ADHD not a one time event. • It is a long term process.

  8. Lead With Acceptance • Partners demanding each other change (or even one demanding change) recipe for disaster. • Most of us are who we are. • Ironically, acceptance gives more wiggle room for change vs. demands for it. • Accept yourself first so you are not overly unfair on fulfilling yourself through your partner. • Remember you can’t divorce yourself for your own faults.

  9. Take Inventory of What Does Not Work • Expecting Pete the Pack Rat to be Neal the Neat Freak is not realistic. • Expecting Late Laurie to become prompt Pam is not realistic. • Expecting Broken Promises Barry to become Paul the Promise Holder is not realistic. • Expecting Ilene the Interrupter to become Pat the Patient Listener is not realistic.

  10. Don’t Let Chores become a Chore in Relationship • Household chores often challenge for couples dealing with ADHD. • Play to each other’s strengths, e.g., partner more organized or adept with finances does check book.  • If other spouse more energetic, chores could be movement oriented (e.g., doing yard work).  • Play to strengths will reduce stress.

  11. Take Inventory of What Does Work • Focusing on what works is working smarter vs. harder. • Focusing on what works puts deposits in mutual emotional bank accounts. • Focusing on what works inspires optimism and that all important sense of commitment. • Focusing on what works helps the ADHD mind, focus better in general.

  12. Pay Attention to The Good Stuff • Partner without ADHD can wonder “Why was I attracted to this ADHD guy in the first place, and why am I still in love with him despite the challenges?” Hopefully will see ADHD also has many positive and endearing qualities: • Creative • Energetic • Open -- perhaps to a fault • Charming • Risk Taker • Fun!!!

  13. Work Together to Make it Work • If medication is taken have both partners aware of value and limitations. • Seek counseling if possible. • Develop a support system of understanding friends. • Involve self with ADHD support organizations, E.g., CHADD, ADD Resources.

  14. Keep Working Together to Make it Work • Challenge toxic thoughts (e.g. lazy vs. motivationally blocked). • Ask each other for help. • Say Please, Please and Thank You, Thank You. • Change it up, keep stimulation through shared new goals.

  15. Stay The Course Through Setbacks • Accept ADHD is a lifetime journey for a lifetime love. • Learn from mistakes but expect some will be repeated (within reason). • Don’t compare to other couples, never know beyond fairy dust what it really is. • Paste advisor stickers on foreheads of those who don’t get it. • Keep the faith (in each other).

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